pause?

i like to think that i am fairly adventurous. im not. i would like to think that i am fairly risky. im not. i would like others to see me through the image that i want them to see me in, not the way i really am. (im spontanious. but in a safe sort of way. im not boring. i just really want to know what im getting into. i think i think too much. shoot. yeah.)

the original intentions to moving back home were to write about this stuff with sarah. life has not gone as planned. i am learning more "lessons" than i ever thought i signed up for-- yet, for some reason i still plead to god that he would reveal to me new things. strange, stretching, holy things. to demand growth within my body.

life.

so, mom my was praying for me last night. and during a silent bit, a picture came to me. it was like this grand adventure was taking place on a tv screen. i was within the dramatic unfolding of this adventure. but suddenly i was standing away from the television set, holding the remote. i was on the screen, but i was also standing with the remote in my hand. i had the control. it was like god was saying i could push play at anytime... i told this to my mom. she asked me if i was willing to press play. i told her that i wanted to. but i was so terrified. its like i know that god is good. i know it. but, i want to know the details that i would be agreeing to by releasing the pause button. i know the ending... and the ending is all fine and dandy. but what about those middle parts? what about not knowing where i will work, or if i will married, or if i get out of the u.s.? what about money? which way do i turn next? what about the people i will encounter? how do i love them? how will i know? what will i say? will i have a house? will i live under the shade of a tent? is english going to be the only language i am going to speak? i don't want to screw it up... it isn't about me. the story isn't about me. i feel like a movie extra that is simply paranoid about tripping when she is just called to saunter across the stage and be seen. its like i would rather read the entire script before allowing the producers to cut and tape the shot that i was called in for. its like i so despartly want to read that script but, they won't let me-- because we have this silly director who keeps going back to the "drawing table" when an new actor/ or extra/ or bug! crawls on the set. yeah. anyways. so i think i have to press play. whatever that means. and try to trust. just try it. because he is good. and i do really know it. (it makes me wonder what is going to happen at the shop tomarrow... there i go. thinking, thinking, thinking. just stop.)

the number eight

do you ever form opinions just to have a sure stance one something? i plead guilty. for instance, 8. i like it. i haven't quite decided the deeper reasoning beyond my tendencies to use the number as an elaboration, or story intensifier. i simply believe it has a nice ring to it. "9," sounds rather boring to my ears while "8," carries with it a strange sort of mystery.

(and it's not even my favorite number. i suppose i do feel that "8" seems a bit neglected. and i would like the hear the number receive some credit for its existance.)

emma checked out uwsuperior today- and she likes it.

coffee. wanna go? (depending on who acts as the company-- variation= likly. but the occasion seems to hold implication to more than hot liquid within a styro-foam container. ...explains the craze over "going for coffee." if it were nothing beyond styro-foam-- why not save $3 and sip out of the mug your aunt gave you when you graduated high school? yeah, i think i have convinced myself. i think going for coffee is more than that. more than hot liquid in styro-foam.) the night was lovely. challanging, encouraging. lovely. same place, same time- next week?

oh annoying.

im playing spider solitaire on another screen (because the computer likes to dawdle about) and i was doing well-- than i pressed 'deal', only to receive stupid cards. now im unable to move any card at all. anyways. i was going to write about something. ahhh. yes. and this was going to be the "title"... 'Tomah. 6:32. The sky is breathtaking.' i was planning on working my magic to place you in a mood that would glorify the creator of this place we have dubbed "home of the brave and land of the free," instead i feel that perhaps i shall now dismiss myself to the corner for 23 minutes for bringing such unnecessary pessimism into this arena. oh dear. bye. **************** the left corner of the freezer. ice cream. this sort of punishment is permissable. travel across the state to visit with my dear grandparents today was good. good meaning great. we made ukranian eggs and laughed, and they loved me. it was nice. nice meaning right now i wish i lived a lot closer to those amazing individuals. on the way home- on the way out of my-quick-stop-at-walmart, i did a double-take glace/stare at the sky. then more than simply a peek was in store-- i gazed. the sky held such magnificance. swirls of muted colors, multiple kinds of clouds. it seemd to portray hope. the colors weren't bright. the clouds displayed no sense of stabilty. if an artist were to paint the imagery on canvas; i would imagian persons, myself included, to mock the artist's inclination to define the peice as something which actually was. the sky held seemingly no sense of organization. if an amateur or professional were to photograph the sky over Tomah at 6:32 this evening: the grand strokes of percission that the creator worked would fail to be captured. a four by six, a six by ten...can not attempt to capture the envelope of hope the was undeniable to this existence. friday. "good" friday. the friday that has been written on calander to remember blood, to recall pain, to i n t r o d u c e faith and power and being stilled momentarily--not only for this one day out of the calander year. it is essential to pause daily. not to became another morning ritual. rather to involve one's self in understanding the story. inside and out. as much as, we persons are able to right now. so what happened "good" friday? what happened the friday prior, what was going on? what occured the friday after? what was than in place? frankly, i don't care if you claim to be a christian. i don't care about your job or your family or your marital status. i don't care if you listen to rap or country or bach. i don't care what brand you currently have etched into your back pocket. i don't care about any of that stuff, not right now. i do care about truth. not necessarily the denominational doctire. not necessarily church services. not necessarily tarrot cards. not necessarily the koran. i have tasted truth. i have seen it. some of you have as well. when you find it, i challanege you to never release your grip-- but if you are not certain the you have found the truth the sets a person free. search the far corners of the earth until you do. meanwhile, i challange you also, to be informed. agian i don't care about a lot of things in this instance: but let us not be ignorant americans. ignorant people. let us know the stories behind the calander's declaration of a holiday. know the stories inside and out.
good night. im off to the nursing home for the next several days. hanging out with more grandparents. i do care about you. i do care that your very being be so invaded with truth that it only can allow you to step back and stare and wonder and rejoice. you sleep tight too. and enjoy egg salad for the next two weeks, truely.

so this is wednesday

i switched a day so i was able to get this one off from working the bolts of fabric. i started the day fairly early because i had opted to attend a job fair in eau claire. it started at 7 and i wanted to have the application in and perfected before noon-- i figured the higher-up in the stack it was... the better my chance of receiving a phone call... i don't know. it seemed somewhat logical at the time. the three rep.s that sat behind the table with their pleasent smiles and bowls of polite candies, seemed bored already (and this "fair" would be continuing until 7 this evening). i made some ridiculous comments about that fact and they laughed and giggled and offered me candy. "take more," the man commanded. "they are low cal." this time i grinned- candy is not supposed to be healthy-- exect for the hard sugar free discs that every grandma should always have on hand. 'bye now-- you three people. maybe i will see you later. maybe i won't. stay awake through this day though.'

next stop. betty's. she wasn't home. i am still brushing my tears a way.

i went to borders. they didn't have any books about bangladesh. all of the india books only mentioned the word in their history section when e.pakistan became bangladesh. i was rather disappointed. (i bet b.n. would carry something!) sickening. i used to thrive only at the library and the tiny, hole-in-the-wall book shops. now i argue to myself alone about my loyality to b.n. and my momentary disapproval of borders. goodness. moving on, they put a fluffy easter bunny on top on the erotica sign. i stared. then i roamed about until my stomach was making loud noises and i could feel the stares of another. i brought two books. they looked good and meaty. i might let you know the titles if they prove to be representing. but not yet. (my car is really dirty. it was looking forward to a bath. carwash with the pink and blue squirting stuff. but i had to choose: book or bath, bath or book. tricky. i found some quarters so we underwent a inside vaccum job. blackberry's outer appearance will need to wait. the vote came through, and the book won.)

according to the local newspaper: 1) boyceville and the surrounding areas (western wisconsin) are currently dealing heavily with meth users and addicts and meth plants. i knew this was occurring but i was unaware of the extent. 2) there was a crack-down on some counterfit money that has been used locally. 3) the meteorologists are predicting a rain/snow mix for this evening. *i feel somewhat enlightened. hmmm.

resolutions...

yeah. a bit later than the typical "goal-setter" it seems. only two months later and a couple handfuls of days, nothing to get too up-tight about. intentions are ok. but the question awaiting a neat answer, will surely be disappointed.

will i achomplish the following list?

will i follow through in order to receive a nice pat on the back from my well-meaning conscience? attainable?

are they life-giving and purpose-reminding?

will they cause my body to get a restless night's sleep if i do not work my hardest at them?

at the end of the year?

or that week?

or that day?

i want to be about the deeping burning of life and truth that will not allow my mind to get soft, or my heart to get hard.

i want to know this god inbetween the stories and snapshots of his character-- what makes his laugh and weep, and to honor that holy lord- what is it even about?

i want to know.

but not only know.

not simply know.

i yearn to dwell in it.

i yearn to be exhausted agian, becease he truely does give sips of refreshing water during those times.

oh, i want to lap at the stream where he and i can just be. so anyways... i want a lot of stuff. i want to learn, and grow, and be and dance. ramblings-- and jasmine kersting give "it" your heart, or else you won't.

some of the trivial and not-so trivial stuff I want to do before January 1, 2006:
-read more.
-laugh more.
-learn to roller-skate.
-visit Sandi in FL.
-run a marathon.
-finish a large painting: oil on canvas.
-visit Amber in Boston.
-pay off the car loan I have out.
-finish some written work on Sarah.
-pay off some college loans.
-stop speeding.
-attend the BHS 2000 reunion.
-learn more so who my parents are.
-read through the bible.
-stop, look, and listen daily.
-be authentic all-the-time.
-allow myself to get bloody knees.
-see, really see, people.
-bike, a lot.
-learn harmonica agian.
-look into the fire.
-change, grow, be still, trust, stand.
-be aware of world events.

-dance.

-continue and have fun!

agian

snow. i like it. i really do. however, i think this will be the seventh snowy weekend in a row, and i am getting tired of making the "scraper's circle" as i seem to walk in a trance, attempting to get the white fluff off of the various angles of the vehicle.

the weatherpeople can not agree on the suposed accumulation. i have heard up to 14 by the time the clouds are through spitting, but we must wait to see what actually occurs.

i really do like snow. but i wish it came when i was in my snowpants and available to go sledding... not when my agenda conflicts.

(in a way im glad the weather doesn't stoop to my likings... just this time it would be kind of nice though.)

hwy 64, forest- LWC

hi. i really don't know the extent of my audience, (am im ok either way-- either you are waving at me through the screen or i am simply doing justice to myself by improving my spelling and typing skills). but hello there.

it is super late. well... i have been crawling into bed inbetween 9 and 10, so this is late for me but i seem to have energy so i am planning on spending it-- spending the last waking hours of the day that is, because i don't want to turn off the lights quite yet and i'm to partake in a quiet activity out of respect for those who need to throw their covers off earlier than i.

i went to church this evening and hung out a bit afterwards with a handful of fun kids.
james is a boy (man now) that i grew up with: we attended the same elementary and high school. we were in o.m. together, and drama, and we used to lead up the early morning prayer meetings throughout those crazy teenage years in the chilly shop room. my friend, james. oh how to describe this man who used to leave corny tracts in the guy's bathroom, and now can not seem to contain his enthusiasm about traveling to brazil to work hard while serving and loving people. he is planning on leaving in may of this year. james now comes to my home church-- good, but weird... robyn and james are engaged.
robyn and i went to the same high school (and james). she is a year older than i but we met across the art table when i was a freshman. a strange friendship and a tight bond grew out of our anyletical sessions of working to decipher our personality types, etc, etc. our times together would delve into great depths and than we would determine that it was time to laugh-- we had to talk about having fun. wow. robyn is still a dear friend whom i admire and trust. and her home church is my home church, thus i saw those two-- she gave me BURT's tonight- a true pal she proves to be. ((it has been really neat to watch, yet another pair of my friends relize that they were good together- and not just hanging out for a bit.))
aaron grew up in clear lake. i don't know him too well, his connection at the church grew moreso after i was in mn for a bit. his heart weeps for people like few i have ever seen. aaron helps with sunday school ministry within this church body- he cares about those little guys so much.
sarah recently moved to river falls but she finds it appropriate to drive back to this particular hub of a church to stay connected and encouraged during this period. she works with the youth and allows her core to break for them. sarah continues to seek and listen and seek and listen. she is a women that encourages me.
darren, my former youth pastor, and current friend found me as i was heading out the door. i gave him an ever-popular side hug and he looked into my eyes and pulled out truth. darren was present when i wept over a list of things i wanted to be at the age of fourteen, and i pushed my broken heap of self onto the lap of this god of nice stories- once agian. darren, my youth pastor, my friend. so i told him tonight of the god that was teaching me little things-- tiny things, that one could argue may not hold great weight in the mighty scheme of things. those things-- for some reason i have to learn them, and i am and you know it's still a day to day, hour to hour, situation to situation deal. darren and his wife, libby, are having expecting their first baby. exciting. and yes, they will be super parents.
the church gang has changed. some have moved. some have changed their priorities. some have _____________, fill in the blank. when i think about statistics, i know that not a great deal of the church building's population consists of 20-something year olds. (sad? i don't know how to describe my thoughts... i don't attend on sundays because now i am working during those morning hours. i just am not sure what i think, besides the underlying dileama, i believe, has nothing to do with the particular day of the week that meetings of teaching and hours of coorporate worship are held...)

good night. now i am sleepy. i am off to dream.

playing cinderella-- or prince charming

and they lived happily ever after... there are these incredible guy's shoes at the store. they are black and velcro and christa can't stop mocking me about liking them. we found out last week that they are discontinued at the shop, so now i just go past and gaze at them longingly. only two pairs left. i was going to purchase both sets while i searched prospective 'wearer's' of my current shoe taste. then i began feeling like i was playing role-reversal in the tale of little Ella and the royalty that summoned her to his side. oh dear. or not. perhaps we don't think our lives could be fairy- taleish, perhaps i don't think my life could be... i have not truly encountered Ella or Charming, but in the traditional format i only see the parts that are gentle to my eyes. for instance; i've only expeirenced CINDERella's home life through watered-down exasperation and frustration told in hind sight to the actual event, i never saw her puffy eyes from crying, or her bleeding fingers from scrubing the floor. as for the Prince; he never really introduced himself beyond wearing his royal "cap." but he proved to be a man who knew what he wanted and he was determined to settle for nothing less. only as dance, a look, and a tiny glass slipper-- wealth and status meant much, but not in the search for what impassioned him. both the Prince and CINDERella must have learned how to actually encounter life from the CUT OUT PARTS of this fairy tale. so my conclusion is that we all are living fairy tales. we all are. but when fairy tales seemingly get a bit messy-- someone says they can't be called as such.

plato

said "courage is knowing what to fear."
i'm kind of sick of writing about me. not much has changed since the last time i plucked at the keyboard while this screen was up... except that *frank escaped.
he simply walked out of the building. the alarms went off. visitor's heads turned this way and that. nursing staff glanced towards the doors, until one saw the man and his cane saunter passed through the window of the front entrance. the staff ran through the dining room, past several faces with worried looks, into the large greeting area, opening the first door, ignoring the loud alarm, and through the opening of the second door... (it did not close yet) staff took frank's arm firm and gentle. "where are you going?" frank replied, "i'm going home to make supper." staff almost couldn't believe what their ears were hearing. "would you like to have supper here with us?" the man seemed surprised, "you mean, you serve supper here?" "that's right. come on in and join us. we would love to have you. and then you don't need to cook." he wore a smile and walked right in and we had no more 'attempts' that day. (name change)
oh and i broke a tooth. trail mix. i blame the almonds.
(i can't decide if i like what plato said, or if i really like it. what do you think?)

consistency

__it is hard.--i read my journal entry from the first day that i moved back to wisconsin... it goes: question, question, question, slight pondering, question, "ok, yeah, i need discipline and consistency"
L I F E
aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
(got that?)

i sort of wish i could join up with a mission's trip, or discipleship program, or go back to the small private christian college, or even be more accountable with friends and family: but i can't. its like i know how to cover it up so well that there is no point any longer... i am reminded that i am accountable to one that sees and knows all of it already. a character work out i guess is what it is deemed. im bad at everyday living.
doing the laudry, keeping track of money, eating so my body thrives, truely loving people, caring about the world and the nation that i get to be a part of... i hit the snooze so much, and i come up with dumb desparate excuses for not doing what i know i ought to do. (now i sound like that one bible verse i wish i could rip out sometimes-- right now is one of those times.)
-- for real i am doing good. i am just scared of success, i guess. because i know that the potential of each and and every one person is INCREDIBLE... but, personally, i also know that i have to work hard, and give up a whole lot more than i currently am.
--yesterday afternoon i wrote for like three or four hours without relizing how much time had passed. it was amazing, and yeah... i have missed it. so anyways, now im writing agian. im taking baby baby steps. (it is what i love. i just forgot for awhile.)
--and im running. i used to run. a lot. during high school i would run with the forgien exchange kids around town. i never was in x-country, and my track days always started out strong and then i quit before the season was over... the competion drove me crazy, but i loved just going and not really knowing where the ending point would be. perhaps a dance with a buterfly, or an exhausted climb up the forbidden road, or simply to leave before the mail arrived and return when the presense of other beings still lingered... so im running. and im working on acumulating miles because... yeah we'll see. right now it is yet another way to develop discipline.
_______________________
ok, so i spent a long time trying to find DARREN's band. he is my cousin, and that is is real name. i wanted to write out the link, because we'll he's my cousin, and i love him, and i heard from bethany that he's pretty good. anyways, i can't find it, and i don't remember the name of the band (names of actors/ movies/ bands, never stick in my mind!), so it's not going to happen this day. the family and i are going to see him tonight in the cities... (c.d. release) yeah for family. it'll be good. and it'll be good to see big city lights.

adious.

bendable metal and breakable plastic

late last night i witnessed little ms. blackberry saturn ram herself into the trunk of a large rooted beast.
--
i wasn't drunk, though an amoretta sour would be lovely right now. i wasn't "distracted," though i was playing the music loudly. i wasn't going fast, though i wanted to as i slowly manuvered the vehicle-im-still-making-payments-on down the 1/2 mile avenue to the james and karen residence.
--
(i knew it was way slippery because earlier in the day, yesterday- i did a 180 in a different part of the this well know road)
--
anyways, i have always had memories of racing down that hill adorned with a slight bend... however, the thoughts prior to this day included my sparkling, gold banana-seat bike and my hair whipping around my face. last night i played the part of a mere observer when a tree and a car decided to introduce themselves through the means of the matchmaker and history introducer Thick Slick Ice. what drama.
--
it is funny. have you had the oppurtunity to have a car accident in your driveway? (the ended up way off the one side and into the woods. goodness.)
--
the bumper absorbed as it was designed to do. and now only my neck hurts a bit from slight whiplash. (my conclusions: i guess i was not supposed to die in the driveway. my family is amazing= knock knock. "hi. um, i got in an accident so can you help me move the car?" they were all in bed, lights off. boats, and mittens. 'hang on ms. blackberry you'll be rescued... next time don't get too close unless you know they are good.'
--

ALWAYS TAP THE BREAKS IN WINTER CONDITIONS
and try to remember that stuff, even somewhat expensive stuff, is still only stuff.
--
so today i was home. thursday's are my favorite so that part was an unexpected treat.
-
continue on.

i heart jackie chan

what is the purpose of religious grab, when the supposed proclaimation is unclear? just wondering...

a face from the past

*darren and i used to attend the same church. he is several years yonger than i am, and i remember him participating in the sunday school class that my mother taught. she would have afternoon sledding parties with those kids-- and my sisters and i were able to join in the activities, because, well... we were home. today, during work, i ran into this guy at the store. i had to stare because this guy grew up. (you see, sometimes i still invision myself at the age of 11, er 5ish, or 17- that was my favorite) we had a long chat. amongst the awkward pauses, i relized that his eyes were still the same. (they are peircing and bright) we talked of things that god was teaching, and revealing to us-- as well as, wondering together why we are where we are... he was tired, physically and otherwise, he is currently working third shift at a factory. anyways, i challanged him (as well as myself) with what i have been being challanged with as of late. and we parted and bid each other farewell. ((to those of you who pray to the living holy god-- please remember this man. he longs for more. his heart currently is screaming about a mechanic's business. to those of you who don't pray-- you might like it if you attempt, try asking jesus who he is))

*name changed for privacy purposes

qwertyuiop[]asdfghjkl;'zxcvbnm,./

christa and barb and i worked together. i felt like a giddy jr. high girl. we were marking down all the clearance items... all three of us, in the woman's section-- and i declare, this is truth: i really don't like shopping. thinking back-- only a handful of hours... fun! what fun. to not notice the clock because you've been laughing and chatting and passing glances and working for the past 2 hr.s. (customer service occured, but the shop was slow this day). laugh, ok. i hear it's good-- and i am feeling the benifits still.

jade

he's ten. he is basically my little brother (because i've always wanted a token little brother-- and emma refuses to play that game with me anymore).
this intellect is downstairs at the moment allowing a few ladybugs- that have been living near the widows for how long?- to partake in trial and error experimentations and an in-depth studying of sorts.
the first test enabled the ladybug participants to climb over and about 50 neatly lined up plastic army figures. jade watched for their climbing abilities as he states "next time i can see if they climb better, i'll be able to tell if their claws and legs can get over better..."
for the second test, jade showed me a small black box. (i am still trying to rack my mind as to where the box originally came from.) in the box were peices of small ripped-up paper. "with this study i am going to see how well they work together. i am going to test their team work in the box."
he discribed his last study in a funny accent (i almost allowed a giggle to escape-- close but i didn't), then asked "hey, do i sound like a zoologist?"
i smiled a big goofy grin when he left the room, after answering his question in a serious tone.

iowa-sized

What country is the size of Iowa and has a population amount equal to half of the United States of America's population?................Bangladesh.
And the annual average income is aproximatly $370.00 US-Dollars.

Wow.
I found out that Food for the Hungry International desires English tutors.
This yanks my heart-- even more than Seattle rain currently.

I am just wonder... a lot right now. (I guess I shouldn't start if I am not going to finish, eh? Perhaps, next time I will agree with that foolishness- not now. I CAN START AND END WHEREVER I PLEASE, thank you.)

grinning.

P.S. They speak Bangla in Bangladesh, not Bangie, or Bang. Maybe a bit of Bangish though; I will have to check. I am fairly certain that Bangish would be the street chatter that doesn't make it into the treker's Lonely Planet books found at B&N.

i can still wish though.

dang. or emphazie that if need be, i long to convey something "strong and frustrating."

for years now i have been asking god what the heck he wants me to do with this life of mine. i know the answers and i have read the manual--- BUT i have still found that "love the love your god with all your heart mind and strength," and "walk humbly and love mercy" can be a bit vauge.

ARGH-- agian and agian.

i have been wrestling with what the next 'to do' is for quite sometime... yeah but my mentor and friend, scott, relied a message to me about running after what causes my being to weep. ((i like encouraging/ challanging others, but this reminder now has me making lists of that stuff that just plain shakes me up- those things that god is asking me to get messy with. thanks to you, mr. scott))

the stars were really bright last night. i gazed up and over slightly. i wanted god to write me a note so i could see my life list and begin to check them off. but it doesn't sound like the way he is going to teach me trust, by means of my eyes staring at the twinkling planets and such waiting for script. i will continue to look up though, because, perhaps..., well, if it was written one of these days i wouldn't want to miss it!

at church last night we sang 'it is well with my soul,' (an old lovely tune among the more recent ear candy). after pondering the weightly words while peering at the enlarged language on the wall, i felt heavy tears dribble down, hitting my smile creases, and rounding over my chin. i wasn't in a mood to cry-- but these words needed to be carved on my bones. truth is not dependent on feelings, i stood before and i stand agian. it is well, because i choose it to be. NYET to what my eyes currently see; NYET to what my memory is able to recall; NYET to the voices that whisper or scream lies.

so i will continue. christianity-- the real going at it-- is more than what you or i could ever possibaly imagian-- but i am running in that direction and we'll see what becomes of my self.
_________________________________________________________________________

i am working at the discount store, and the nursing home. -- fridays are my day off. -- the strangest thing that has recently occured in my life: a coworker asked me to be in his wedding because i was a christian... and i just met his soon-to-be wife this evening. weird. i said i would be honored to though.-- i miss jolene.-- leah schmidt is now in new zeland working with stieger international.-- i ran into lucas (former crownie) at a uw-stout campus crusade night-- i went rollerskating a bit ago-- i am drinking 'sleepy time' tea and it is working...--i sent off an article to relevant the other day, but the guy emailed me back and said it didn't make it... gotta send it agian-- oh, my favorite lady at the nursing home died this passed week, but before she died, before she got sent to the hospital, before she fall, while she was lying in bed and i was helping the other lady in her room, i asked alice if she was a christian "what'd you say?" she yelled back, do you know jesus? "yes." she said, "he takes care of me" i looked at her and we exchanged smiles. later that day she went to the hospital. i liked her a lot. and i wanted to go to her funeral, but it was a family only deal, and she got cremated so, not really a burial-- i miss my betty. she is lovely. she is in eau claire now, but her phone is off for a bit and she works nights. i haven't talked to her since christmas day.-- i colored a paper plate in the breakroom today. it is a masterpiece. truely.

bye now. and yes, i miss you too.

my excitment about life tomarrow is growing, *what about your own.

supper's ready

so um, i sat down to write something "publicly" and mum announces that dinner is ready.

though i sleep at my parent's place, i have not enjoyed a meal with them or my sister, in about three weeks... i will write later-- hopefully soon.

farewell. i am off to dine.