it's ok that it's not today... but someday, please

it's true

streets of gold?

i want to go home... oh, contentness and endurance- visit me

LIFE, you are beautiful. thank you for your hugs and kisses this day. ill stay with you, until i am asked otherwise.

silence

SILENCE
by Tu-Uyen Nguyen

When I was a little girl,
I never said,
I want to grow up and be
Silent...

What?! Speak up!
I can't hear a word
Of what you're saying
Speak up!

For some,
Speaking comes so easily
Just open their mouths
And words come streaming out

For me,
Voice is like a lonely wanderer
Who rarely ever comes by
You see, to come, my wanderer
Must come through many miles

Miles of silent longing
Miles of silent struggling
Miles of silent tears
Miles of silent years...

So you tell me to speak up
Speak up! You say
You, not knowing the miles
I must trod everyday

How do I speak up?
When I don't even know how to speak down
Speak left or speak right
Speak even a sound

I've known only silent travels
All kinds of silent fears
I am so very tired
Of silence all these years

I don't mean the silence
Of dew drops, fragile
In the glistening dawn
Nor of a slowly falling leaf
Cradled as a boat
By gentle waves of wind
For these things speak of what they are
In their graceful natural beauty

No, I mean the silence
Of a child being told
Not to say how she feels
Why do you always talk so much?
Be quiet! Silence!

The silence of asking for a glass
And not getting one
Because the waitress didn't hear you
And telling yourself it's O.K.
Drinking your soda from the can

The silence of being invisible
In the eyes of those
Who only want to see
Their ready-made image of the Other

The silence of having others name you
Internalizing the wrong pronunciation
Of what you want your name
To be.
Nujen? Ne gyen?
The silence of feeling trapped
In darkness
Between two worlds
Vietnamese hyphen American
American hyphen Vietnamese
Opposite ends of the alphabet
Outer edges of two cultures

The silence of emptiness
A hollow more vast than nothing
A void within history
Of the voices of women unheard

The silence of Lotus Blossoms
And Dragon Ladies
Of virgins and whores
Of battered women

I mean the silence
Of my own voice
Of the stories that are locked
In unspoken words

Of the pains and triumphs of women warriors
My mother, my grandmother, my greatýgrandmother and her mothers
Yes, I mean the silence of
Not Existing

I've known only silent travels
All kinds of silent fears
My mind angry, disgusted
Of silence all these years

So you tell me to speak up
Speak up! You say
You think I haven't tried?
Day after aching day?

Breaking my silence,
Can't you see?
Not like you break an egg
It's not that easy

Takes more than dew drops
And falling leaves
Takes lots of heartache
With no reprieve

Takes many dreams
And remembering too
Takes my whole being
Takes also you

So open your ears
And listen, take heed
You can begin to hear my voices emerge
In chorus, with others no longer silent
Saying, we will be heard, we will be heard!


Tu-Uyen Nguyen is a doctoral student in the Department of Community Health Sciences at the University of California, Los Angeles. Taken from "Teaching Tolerance Web site, "http://www.tolerance.org/teach/magazine/features.jsp?p=0&is=34&ar=482#

imagine everyone in their underpants

recently, i have thought about vanity and the idea of being vain quite a bit. the words to me have negative connotations. and yet, i would hope the individual that is speaking to me had proper oral hygiene. i like to hug people, but yes, i have gotten a little bit of a turned-up nose in my heart, when i smell the person even prior to embracing them; not in a oh-my-goodness-i-love-the-colonge/perfume-way either. have you?

thing is, on the flip side: ...i had some good medical spa friends of mine do some laser resurfacing on my face for acne scars. ...and, um, i sleep with my mouth part way open so the bottom half of both of my front two teeth are extra white, where the top half is 'normal' white; so my dentist recommends teeth whitening if i want to see a change. ...i care about my weight and secretly wonder if individuals that are larger just don't; i seem to forget that i have extremely high metabolism.

the scary thing is, the change to caring about the way people view me, and caring about the way i am accepted seemed to come so gradually that i barely noticed it. or, maybe did not notice it at all.

i remember the day in college that my roommate had me try on a pair of her jeans. never had i wore jeans that tight before. (apparently, they weren't even that tight...) immediately, i began getting comments from the girls that were present to the impromptu 'fashion show.' 'Look at your hot butt!' 'I never knew you had such a cute body!' suddenly, i was affirmed in areas i didn't know i needed affirming in. and, so seemed to begin the journey. i was the country girl who ran barefoot and had creativity and resourcefulness valued in her family over trends and keeping up with the jones. i had a lot to learn. apparently, 'cool' could get you pretty sweet status ranking.

so, i submitted to some things over the years. 'jas, your arms are super hairy and may i pluck your eyebrows?' ha. sure. if anyone wanted to do their beauty treatments on me, so be it; i didn't mind it being 'all about me,' even if you are turning me into your project and the best before-and-after shots you have had yet! and little, by little, i began to value and esteem myself according to the 'after procedure' comments of well-meaning, and well-loving people, rather than god's voice solely. p.s. his voice hasn't changed about my beauty (or your beauty for that matter). he doesn't really look at that stuff. ...though, i do wonder, if i would have been listening... if his voice of warning would have spoken 'just remember that it all fades and it really doesn't matter, but how is your heart, are you well? i love seeming you be delighted, and joy that seeps... but find where that joy is coming from. is it rushing from everlasting areas deep within your character--or not? i love you daughter, friend, child, follower, bride- i created you well. just be reminded, when you forget. i am with you.'

i absolutely understand that vanity is a cultural thing. and, 'beauty' is a women's issue a little more than men, per lots of sources--but it is still a universal dealing. and... beauty is in the eye of the beholder... yadda, yadda, yadda. what i fear, it that i was boiled without knowing it. see, i didn't care about oral hygiene of others as much as i do now, or whether someone smells decent-according-to-me or not. call me naive, i was. call me innocent, i was. and i loved people, period--i truly did. now, i make snap judgements based on hair style, and sunglasses.

oh, god knows. we chat. but this is a big deal, im thinking. remember nakedness in the garden of eden--there is something about seeing past people's outer layers; facades, attire... ha. maybe it really is like what our friend told us in high school prior to the midterm presentation, 'imagine everyone in their underpants, it helps.'

thoughts? comments? hmm...

live well. x.

greetings earthlings and the rest of you

yo.
i can't sleep.
i should sleep, i have mock interviews at 8a for 21 students tomorrow. i will like to be able to firmly shake their hand and give them a friendly, but powerful look rather than offering them blood-shot dark ringed eyeballs and a limp-fish-sissy handshake. ha. well, concealer and determinded reflexes will be my answer... for now, id like to write.

GOODNESS. it is nearly august. august?
may: california trip
june: 10 yr h.s. reunion and those stories... and wahoo!! i got into grad school. wisconsin trip
july: road trip, fun strangers, hail storm. my car is SUPER bumpy but it was a blast and good life reminders.

so, yep... looking into education accretation intitutions for possible career paths.

haha. who knows what is in store for tomorrow!! this god, that has reminded me of his presence greatly in the last several weeks-- has incredible secrets for his creation. i have an inkling that he wants to share them with us. be blessed termendiously, in this hour-- and yep-- i do dare you to continue to let your/our clenched fists be sweet offerings to him.

off-day

i'm sick. i still haven't heard from ucd about their admission descision. i forgot about my dentist bill, and it has accumulated. it's late at night. i can't sleep. the last thing i want to do is watch more 'hulu' t.v. i keep sneezing, which was fun at first and now is sort of irrateating.

it is an off-day. i recently heard that for humans off-days are permissable. i thought i learned this lesson already, even so... i felt ashamed when i left work after only being there 2 hr.s.

and i feel pathetic lying in bed for hours today.

i wonder why that is??

only a smidgen of patience

i want to get into school. i am supposed to find out this week if i did. to deal w/ this fact... i check my email WAY TOO MANY TIMES a day.

like every ten minutes.

no i am not really exhaerating, though i wish i was.

head gear

after a discussion about a wonderfully themed 30th birthday party... with 30 things represented that the birthday lady or man is 'happy' to be rid of, i have decided to begin now. i am 28. in hearing that some must prepare- i choose to queue up.

great idea jolene braband. wonderful conversation meghan mcgrath and jolene.

i'm looking forward to the incredible parties.

celebration of completion with:
1. head gear
2. braces
3. cuff-rolled, splatter-painted, white-washed jeans
4. multicolored, layered, slouchy socks
5. lisa frank stationary
6. fruit jammer theft from the elementary school store
7. lead smears and notebook ring inprints due to being a young lefty- who did not know it was ok to grasp the pencil lighter and flip the notebook around
8. jr. high dances
9. mandatory schooling
10. mandatory dresses and tights
11. perms
12. press-on earrings
13. low self confidence
14. larning to bike
15. ... more another evening

the waiting game

so i applied. again. to grad school.

we'll see. perhaps, the timing is more right this time around. i thought it was last time, but alas-- they didn't take my money.

REJECTION?... and then you TRY AGAIN.

i did. and now i wait.

and wait.

and wait, a bit more.

-ill keep you posted.

*thank you-- Dr. Rick Mann, Mr.Dan Whelan, Mr. Lem Usita, Mrs. Marissa Banker, Ms. Traci Johnson, Ms. Jolene Braband, Mr. Jerry Hamilton, Ms. Meghan McGrath and Mr. James and Mrs. Karen Kersting-- your support has been tremendous- thank you, still.

stillness

this weekend that is nearing an end, has been cushioned between one 'restless' week w/ an upcoming projected 'busy' week.

i would imagain this weekend to be the almost, unnoticed- slight pause between a deep exhale and an anticipated deep inhale.

this weekend was relaxing and well-spent, adventuresome and finally i am home, thinking about what prep if any i need to do to my professional attire prior to the morning hours. ...it is the evening sunday hours--red zinger tea w/ a lemon-honey stick to accompany, from a dear friend's mug that i still have in my possesion-- a bit of reading from the Hobbit by a delicious smelling candle's light and yes, i did get a slight headache that i think was worth the 'atsmosphere'--and some reading from the B-I-B-L-E... though, my thoughts nowadays have little to do with the tune sung prior to sunday school.

so, god and i chatted. it wasn't particularly 'good.' but, he did remind me of his holiness, and that the amazing plan never disappeared, and that in the CHAOS and UNSURE HOURS and the BACK-to-BACK MEETINGS and FUN alike- that i could be still and quiet and not have to be in-control, or have it all planned, or innitate, or what-have-you.

i am excited about this week: -about b.s. at my home and then a friend's birthday celebration monday eve, about wednesday's dinner with several fun folks and the possiblities of a nugget's game, about thursday's outting w/ a handful of scum ladies in fancy garb, about friday morning's coffee w/ my current pastor then a drive to see my new lovely loveland sister, then a drive back to the college to assist with activities during the night classes, about a wide-open saturday morning, then catching up w/ the sister+ again for her/their night of introduction, then two more birthday parties' pauses if i am game for it.

i am excited to l i v e it, and NOT have to be in control of any of IT. because... i am only in control of my actions and attitude, and tounge, and more examples that i choose not to list at this point.

bottom line: stillness. and enjoying that. and trusting. and. DONE.

p.s. soon, we'll talk about adventures. 'cause i love them, and the hobbit and his companions are in the midst of a grand one. but for now, i best just be caught-up in the adventure w/out attempting to decipher more of the meaning/ purpose, etc... oh, and immerse myself in the s t i l l.

reports

i hate it when they don't run right.

reports. it is sort of like proving yourself. proving, that you worked hard. proving, proving. proving...

guess- THAT is what bothers me most. it feels like someone, somewhere, something is doubting my integrity.

i probably shouldn't take it so personally.

how else are they going to know im a hard worker.

oh child, things are going to get easier

i am not sure how to begin to collect my thoughts. i want to. just know that.

about an hour ago, i returned home from a slick and snowy drive. i returned and i continued to sit in the car.

how was i living my life? was it for myself solely and to appease the individuals around me or was it truely for the sake of christ? was i representing the freedom and love and gifts that have been bestowed to me?

the voices coming off the spinning c.d. and flying through the air to my ear drums... and then the recipercaters and the brain decipering words and coonotations. MAGIC.

was i, am i, living a life that is representing what i say i am about? am i being a humble and investing steward? what am i really doing with the resources and gifts that i have been given?

the sermon that was sent to me via postman, along with some delicous valentine goodies and sweet notes from the land of cheese and beer. thank you mom, thank you dad.

so. the five stairsteps... spoke encouragement w/ their lyrics. someday, someday, someday-- it will be easier. but now, dear people-- continue. and um, let jesus love, let god refine, and let the holy spirit interrupt your daily plans... be your beautiful selves. and, know that one this end-- i will continue too. <3

newness... and the pain and thrill attached to it

so i ran the tecumseh trail marathon in december. careening around corners while grabbing the tree trucks for stability, racing through the mud and creeks single file. it was cold. indiana in december. i hurt my knee several weeks prior in training-- i think it was a clear creek canyon rock or root that did me in. but what an adventure! i loved it.

apparently i was on such a runners high after the race that i was planning the next years marathoning schedule. the "rush" does make a person insane. i stopped inbetween mile 16 and 17. the guys i ran with encouraged a road race in detroit or chicago. maybe someday, it is a lovely suggestion... but i would much rather run in the woods- even if it is over logs, through water, and ducking so the face doesn't get whipped in the face by branches.

it was amazing. my knee is better, i am no longer applying icy hot and wearing a sleeve. and, i am amazed by stubborn endurance. amazed.


alright, in h.s. i was asked if i wanted to go snowboarding-- and i did but for some reason that i don't recall at this point, i never did go. 10+ years later, i went. a couple dear friends mustered the patience and kindness and trained me for a day. the experience was exhilerating, the snow was beautiful, and getting on the lift may have been the scareiest bit.

part of me felt invincible when i fastened the helmet-- another part of me wondered if my agile, youthful days had passed... as i fell again and again. i wore bikers shorts under my layers to absorb more shock. ironically, i remembered that my health insurance card was alongside my i.d. in the pocket of my borrowed snowpants- just in case.

i grew up sledding and snow tubbing, i've done x-country skiing and snowmobiling-- but this 'down the mountian shredding business' was and is brand new. i borrowed a lot of "gear" and layered up with some of the running grab but i did buy a lift ticket and rent some boots, and parked in a money lot in breckinridge.

it might be because i grew up in wisconsin with plenty of snow for many months or it may be because i watch everest videos and understand avalanches are dangerous- but i also believe waking up and crossing the street has the potential to be life-risking-- either way, i anticipate the moment that i can snowboard on that snowy decline over yonder. yep. i one with several friends and trees, lots of snow, a lot of excitment, and... well no terrifying lift to munever on quickly. :) may it be safe enough that i can talk about the great joy it was coming down in the "powder."

for this day, my neck still hurts, and i am still applying the icy hot. sheesh. and the new memories are such awesome delights.

friendship

in college i wrote a paper pertaining to christianity and mutuality w/in friendships. friendships... the good, bad, annoying.

the prose was amazing. i made some thought provoking discoveries which seemed to challenge my own mind, as well as, other minds in the classroom, whom were seemingly committed to growth.

bottom line:
give. give. give. give. give. be generous. did i already mention give? give of yourself. god will fill you. etc. and yep. i threw in some scripture and it was a pretty, seven page, staple-in-the-left-corner assignment that i may have, or may not have turned in at the original due date.

well, nearing six years since my undergrad completion, and perhaps, seven or eight since the inital assignment was offered...

i now run across proverbs that discuss the generalized character traits that are wise to align oneself with. i have stubbled across betrayal, and disrespect has slapped my face numerous times. friendship. so, another revelation has been determined-- a refined scope has been crafted... i will try to continue to give, to give, to give, to be generous. but- i value the healthy relationship and will invest wisely with approriate boundaries. i opt to be open, yet, less naive. oh, beautiful people-- we are all so precious and fragile.

the proverbs are good.
that's all.

itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny computer

best buy took my money. i took a computer from the shelf. too bad the high school student assisting me didn't get commission. he didn't have to sell me, i was sold.

smallest, lest expensive. perfect. ok. thanks. the entire process took roughly seven minutes.

i brought it home. oh, nice- its blue. its blue- weird. its a boy.

(title: conversation w/ mom about bikinis and childhood friends and reuniting. happy birthday karen sue.)