composition notebook

i discarded it for a bit. my beloved composition notebook. but i have enjoyed it's presence for the past several days and i am returning there for a while. this may only be a slight departure- away from the craze of online blogishness, where you would hardly relize my stepping out-- or... i don't know. hopefully i don't forget my password so that i may return, if i wish.

*** fare well for now.
continue on and have fun------ and seek truth. i heard it does exist.
((oh, my composition notebook and my cup of mint white hot cocoa awaits.))
splendid.

(and how are you this hour?)

old people

when did youthfulness become so appreciated, and the elderly, in turn- disregarded? nursing homes and various "wards" were supposedly the answer to this culture's disapproval. yet- the reputation i sense towards the majority of individuals i encounter, is an underlying disrespect for old people... i don't get it. isn't gray hair a gift from god? isn't there supposedly rich wisdom captured somewhere past the sparkled eyes?... *i feed a lady breakfast this morning and she just kept laughing. soon the entire table was laughing. it was contagious. i guess it usually is. *one man asked me what i knew for sure. i told him, "god is good." he replied, "you've got it," with a smeared grin. *another man taught me three german words. yes, i forgot them. *you know the story about the people who own a bunch of cats and just let them roam about. one lady showed me old pictures-- the lady she used to buy eggs from had over two hundred cats. though it was years ago that the photos were taken, this women could still not believe it as she handed the copies over for me to stare at as well. funny. it is. and i am glad the egg lady was not my neighbor. in fact i don't think i would buy eggs from her. no, i would not.

vowels.

that is what some of the kids were taught this day. they are so enthusiastic about teaching me as well.

HIGHLIGHTS.
-- i walked around calhoun on sunday. it was brisk and lovely, and it made my cheeks way red.
--sunday night i went to solomon's porch on 35th in minneapolis. the sense of community intrigues me. i may attend agian. no negatives-- and i was pushed beyond my cozy comfort mode... we'll see.
--checked out an apt. in st. paul, with four others alreadly living there. the previously planned roommate thang didn't work because of a better finanical situation on her end, so now i am checking out other alternatives. it was a beautiful place, near grand ave.- so those fun shops are around too. ((bibleot and peir one... and nice little cafes that make pretty food.)) yeah. i am actually leaning towards "no" but it is a fun idea to play around with.
--went to a wedding. the people being married make me proud.
--austin gave me a huge hug. i haven't seen him for ages. ok... literally months but it feels like AGES. (he is betty's boy who is now in kindergarten, and i held him the day after he was born. oh baby. he might a well be a man.)
--i drove down the our driveway with new eyes.
--every other word in donald miller's book, "searching for god knows what," is a highlight.
--eating pie that tina made.
--hearing emma's heart.
--looking at my painted purple fingernails.

***ha. nice. fare thee well.

.

THE JOY OF CNA WORK WAS NOT EVEN AT ALL PRESENT TODAY. i sort of tried, but not really. it was one of those work shifts that... well, yeah... it wasn't too lovely. i wish i could share stories, but right now i must tend to my wounds and lick my bruises. ((that sounds absolutely discusting. gross.)) anyways. i am exhausted, and it is only 3 in the afternoon. i think i better go jump rope or color outside of the lines or something... maybe i will just eat.
probably.

private road construction, eh?

i really enjoy reading the blogs people write which explain their daily events, etc...: bethany- you said it yourself... (live journal, oh, live journal); kyle- it is seemingly just your way, as of late; brad- you do it at times. don't try to deny it. i like reading these, i truely do. however; when i try it myself-- i feel so boring. why is that?
_so, today. i slapped my alarm at 4:00. fell back asleep. than awoke in a start, and toss my covers off. (how are you doing?) i dressed. i drove. i punched in. i dressed others... and now i am in front of a blaring screen. that is today-- so far... enough about today.
***i am questioning again. honestly, i am glad i am. it may be problematic if the wondering ceased.
-i wonder about the way my opinions are formed. -i wonder about my lack of courage. -i wonder about the grass on "the other side." -i wonder about the people that wave through the window of the vehicle speeding by. -i wonder about seemingly petty things like overheard gossip about strangers i don't know, and the actual color of the sky above-- or if it is simply the way our eyes and brain react with one another, and the meaning of the book of revelation. -i wonder about human existance, and my heart aches-- though i am unable to pin point all of the reasons why. i think about the fact that i have money to live on for a long time, and how so many stomachs are hollow at present. i think about how the rest of this liberary is quiet right now, but how i am raging inside with a voice that i do not know how to still. i wonder about the god, who said it is a new day-- i think about how it seems to me this day is boring and drab. -i wonder about the lives of the people that i work for and next to. -i wonder about my own life, and i can't help but think that there must be more to this LIFE-- because by medical definations i am living, yet, by others senses-- i am far from it. still. i am here. and here is where i must live.
*my neighbor died last week. car accident. *there is a truck/ bus accident that is all over the news right now. the truck driver was 22 yr.s old and had a suspended liscense. the bus was one amoung several that were returning from a band competition. it was a smaller school not an hour from where i grew up. *the earthwake aftermath. *the hurricanes that came and are scheduled to continue to come. *i am sure there is more. sad junk. crap that sucks. stuff that just shakes you up and can make a person, or many... crazy. i don't get. i know the "right" answers. but actually? i don't get it. it shakes me up to. *my other neighbors, that my mom just visited last night-- living, hurting, proverty, etc. i don't understand. i have a job that i complain about, but i can feast. my muscles ache, but my body moves. ... i could go on. i don't understand so much. why does the sky appear blue? why do people say they are fine when they are far from it? i don't know.
i do know: i can not deny that god breathes life into those who seek him. that might be all i know today. that might be enough.
---do you think studios down by the river in st. paul, mn are way expensive? probably. perhaps, i will live by a tree. i do like trees.
---do you think i will have enough heat this winter to get a parakeet? there are free ones that were advertised in the paper. but you know... i really don't want to freeze an innocent bird either.
---i really enjoy the community stuff.
---i really do not like the sound of boasting.
---i sometimes think that "really" is approriate. this is contrary to the opinion of one admired english instructors.
yeah. bye. really. good bye.

the green hair band that is around my wrist is worn, and it just may fall off today.

i am with the girls and the boy. the elementary kids who's greastest form of supposed rebellion is the harry potter website-- they can go if their parents let them. and yes, at present, they are indulged in "weekly reader," the "cartoon network," and some "barbie" site. they were not interested in the puzzles that i brought. ((i had two "little mermaids" and others...)) last week, asked me college questions, and then shot the "are you a mom" one at me. i corrected them gentley. bethany cut my hair down by the river. it was outside, and it with breezy and beautiful. that was the first time for that expeirence. i got called into work the other day. i had to leave the house at 2 am. ridiculous. i ripped up my other nursing home application. ok. i am out. this day. i stopped at a red tree and plucked some of what it offered. god is a dang good artist.

a visit with plan b

i am doing important work. like fin. aid junk, and job applications. i didn't plan on spending my day off this way, but i have also noticed that most individuals aren't open and available friday days... friday nights are when the parties are going full blown, and i am neatly tucked under my blanket at least this eve. reason i was not invited into their presence: leaving for texas, some planned conference, an exam, and the deaded "w" word ((work)). it is ok, all. and i hope the day was enjoyable. i read some more of tozer's book this morning, and some of luke-- than i checked out two nursing homes in this area, i drove through a stop sign, and i tried to wink at someone (i am not an excellent winker), i ate kix, i drove down a one way- the wrong way, i went to goodwill, and i worked on the nessesary tasks- those forms i like to set aside. now i am racing the woman next to me with finger typing speed. she is a tad quicker but i am definatly gaining ground. i think i will go eat a bagel and get my hair cut, and smell autumn for a bit. and enjoy more of this day that i am not scheduled to work. it will be fun.

elmwood's book loaner place

it is way tiny. they have a couch with books on the upholstery. they charge 25 cents for a black and white print-out. and the liberarian asked if i knew how to get onto google. i smiled. she was sweet. she still is. anyways. its downtown and the outside is painted like books on a shelf. i think the place is rather cozy. but yeah, i am not really in a writing mood-- just stopping by. ((i had to get my pin for fin-aid.)) and while i was here i had a strong urge to put another plug in for tozer's book. "born after midnight." i have been through the first chapter alone, four times. i read it outloud to my parents and was refreshed, awakened, and convicted during those as well. i found myself paused and in awe about the words that were crying out on the page. seriously. and not in some cheesy religious way. tears streamed down my face, and something "else" was peirced with truth. this man knew a lord that, dare i say, many do not know. "many," this scares me. i was chatting with my mom about churches on sunday. and this hour, is not the hour to enter again into that conversation. i just wonder, how many who claim that they know jesus christ actually know... have actually encountered. the absolute holy one. the creator of the universe. the one who knows our deepest "hidden" secrets. this i wonder. ((and tozer's book, encourages truth to be actually found. scott, recommended it to me more than two years ago. oh, how i wish i would have sought the book out with a greater urgency than... so, i pass on that recommedation. and, if i could do it again i wouldn't wait another day to locate a copy.))
*and i am done. i hope you heard the plug, but more than that i hope you are real, in the identity you profess-- whatever idenity that is. i hope i am real, with that in which i profess as well.
love you all, me

and the leaves fall.

my mind is swimming. it feels heavy and it sort of hurts. i was up until about 2.30 last night. 12 hours prior, i sat in an building that spoke beauty and history from it's very bricks...bethany, sarah and i, watched an amazing performance of men and women alike, twirl and move with A- perscision (in my opinion). i envy their flow and flexability. i long for strong toes as well-- but i am not will to work my body in those ways. so, i will watch and admire and appreicate their skill and artistry and athletic drive. and i will try to clap at the appropriate times. we'll see. jade and his family were there. it was fun to see him; i wonder if his arm has to be twisted quite a bit to get there-- as he didn't seem thrilled to be present. i also saw heidi. she is a wonderful young mom, who totally knows how to make people feel welcome for who they truely actually are. she has the best smile. i worked with her a couple years ago, and have seen her several times since then. it was a treat to be able to chat with her for a moment. there is a neat family who i know from living word chapel that was in the audience as well. these people care and you can tell is be simply being in their presence. amy and mike showed amazement along with their two small girls about the show. it was nice to see them together and connecting. after the preformance i had planned to head to the liberary and get some forms printed out. (((the tech. school that i am looking into attending in january has requested several other things before i can be placed on the waiting list for the nursing program. it is pretty incredible how is is looking at present. because i already have a b.s., many of my generals will simply transfer over. i already have my c.n.a. lisense so that saves three weeks of time (and that is if i would have gotten into a place right away). my act scores totally passed their minimum. so what is left is that i have to take a CPR course through the Red Cross *which i am trying to get into one on nov. 19th at present. and i need to take a chemisty test. so that is it, a chem. test (which i could have had if i didn't relentlessly fool around in my high school class. yeah. i ended up with a c-, but plenty of memories of broken beakers and various co2 cartliege stories.) and an 8 hour class in st. paul... i am kind of excited. so we will see...))) but i didn't leave menomonie-- we went to a thrift store and i bought a leather jacket- it was 6 bucks and it is great. it is carmel in color; i also got an eightiesish zip-up stripped hoodie to go underneath. bethany scuffed up the hoodie's edgeing for a more "you're my sweatshirt and i am pretending to the world right now that we have expeirenced things together, even though you just came of the rack and your previous owner seemingly never took you out to play-- let not be proper, my friend, my hoodie-- let's allow your look to establish openness during our time together at all times." i think that is what we were going for. it was lovely with them. sarah apt. is quaint in a really good why. she has a hot neighbor... he doesn't know how to hook up rabbit ears, but i suppose he can be excused. we slurped up noodles and played truth or dare- minus the dare. bethany wasn't up to running around the house naked, or whatever. pumkin spice cappicino in now at your local holiday stores. go already. after an exhausting, wonderful "game" of truth. i buddled up and proceeded to get home. my parents were scheduled to be around. they returned from their eastern escapade, hopefully with a blueberry pie for me... i check the mail box at our driveway, and i was plesantly surprised to find a magazine and two packages with my name attached. i didn't even think about a bomb scare-- perhaps that should always be in the back of my mind. yeah. no. my amazon books. yea. i received "capivating" by eldridge, which yeah i don't know-- but i have read parts and decided a bit ago that i would like my own copy to mark up. and... "born after midnight" by tozer, which i read a chapter of last night to the dim blaze of a wearing out flashlight, and wow. is it going to be one of my favorites. i can tell. than, i slept. and i dreamt. but i don't remember what it was about. now, i am leaving to hear tales about maine and long lost relatives and my darling sister and the ocean. but, before i drive home, i will buy milk-- like a good daughter would. blah.

october

that word looks funny. did i spell it wrong? it just looks odd and out of place. --- yesterday evening i wrote with a pen on a green hued notebook. it hasn't been a long time since "i wrote," however; it has been quite a while since i took out a notebook an dilbertly wrote thoughts that could at some point turn into more than sentences on a tablet- with an ink pen in my clentched fingers. anyways. i have been challanged recently by god and others-- and you know i have just realized more so that it really isn't going to be easy. (obedience) for some reson i thought it would be easy. but it is not. anyway. i wrote about bobby-pins. just in case you all are wondering. ***i like fall. i want to super glue the colorful leaves back on the branches. so i think i would, if i had a tall ladder and a long extension cord, and a bunch of donated glue sticks. come on. who else like fall? ((and when it rained earlier this week, my smile was unstopable. seriously. unstopable. it was just there. all day long. than i fell asleep, and it was still present. *if anyone ever needs assistance with sandbagging- call me.)) today: i decided to write down the things that come out of old people's mouths instead of common foul language. maybe. so, i didn't decide for sure yet. not quite yet. my list has begun. and i won't shred it today. AND in two months it will be my birthday. i just noticed. )enjoy today.(

i am with the dancer girls

oh. i like it. our first session is over. i had 5 girls. and the second has begun. there is only one. she is playing "pizza party pick-up" on the disney site. hilarious. though it does look fun.((elementary boyceville girls after school ballet and tap classes.))