always thinking it will be different...

once again... i like to play and pretend and imagain and create. i have a hard time being ok with life when it is not fun, and it hurts, and there is confussion and chaos spilt all over. i used to deny it. the messes of life. the complexities of living. the ideals i thought i would immerse myself into that were actually not ideals at all.

i am sitting in a coffee shop. my ass is begining to hurt a bit; although the hard wooden pew provides an amazing sense of enviroment, it , unforenutly does not cater to the body for lengths of time whatsoever.

last night, i worked at the hospital. it is strange to think that i ended my shift at eight this morning. it has been good for me to get hospital experience, although the realizations it has offered, angers me. i have been doing cna work in nursing homes for the last six years. six years! on and off a bit, but for the most part, the great bit of six years. when i lived in minneapolis i tried to get hired at a hospital. my resume was denied with the reasoning that i didnt have any accute care expeirence. when i moved to wisconsin, the same deal. i tried and was denied. colorado, spring of '06-- same thing. ok. knowing "fresh" cna's that worked in a hospital... i was frustrated. whatever. fastforward to now. i got a job with an agency that places cna's in hospitals and nursing homes both. (and am on call for a place that will set me up with home health care and hospice work.) beautiful. i wanted the experience. "there must be more that cna's do in hospitals..." but thus far i have taken vitals, done blood sugars, emptied urinials, made beds and filled water pitchers... i just wondered why all these hospital faciluties from the past wouldn't let me in when cna nursing home work is all that and... caring for these people, feeding, bathing, tolieting... please hear me. i am glad for the oppurtunity. happy for the expeirience. i just wonder if it stems back to this western societies fond approval of idolizing youthfulness and in turn disregarding elderly. ((oh and when i was at a nursing home last week-- an 80 yr old took out her green mood lipstick. no im not lying at all. i was able to witness the perfect application of this lip enhancer prior to the clock reading 7o'clock. funny. you would have laughed to. *i think i discarded mine in the 8th grade.))

now that it is warmish again-- i crave bike rides. it is an appropriate passion, i do beleive. yesterday, i was able to venture downtown with trish. we did a barnes and noble stop and then indulged in the fancy cheesecake that is at burger king for 1.29 and is scrumptious enough to compare with the cheesecake factory. ((the cheesecake factory reminds me of tyler burton while her surname was still stinson... and lem usita on his conference visit from cali... and ms. jenna stanfield *starfield! when we probably both had an overdraft fee and it was freezing and we were deliberating on the 16th street mall. oh, cheesecake.)) and now cheesecake, which trish stated she didn't even enjoy that much-- but we sat in the grass along the bike path and ate not-so-healthful food, after feeling somewhat healthy. then, jenna and i rode along the bike path today. chatting about men. and god. and which route to take. pretty much in the opposite line-up that i just stated.

life goals. to be an RN before im thirty... amber. you said it. not me. i think i want to but um, then theres school, and money and to actually work hard. honestly, i want to lay on the couch and read novels and watch little house on the prairie and eat ice cream and squash.

so the man at the counter gave me two massive chocolate cookies. oh peace floods with cookies consumptions.

ok i work at 6. goodbye. goodnight.

just leave the nose alone

turtle, la headzee's precious cat like to cuddle as close to one's head as possible. there has been several ocasions he has attempted to sleep on my face actually. and yes, it is a bit of a joke around the house that this cat will indeed be a baby killer. so he just climbed upon my chest and laid with his whiskers touching my cheeks his. i blow at him-- a hot blast of mouth air. he then proceeded to bat my nose. i stopped blowing. he continued to bat. goodness. i have since shooed hiowm from my presence. and now find the noise of swing kids quiet pleasent in the background. i am not one to typically like "background tv noise"-- not at all. how however, it was either this or quiet quiet, and hey tonight i choose the 1930's young rebel's music. i started with 'big fish,' then '40 yr old virgin,' then some documentary on sharks... but none of those were in their cases, until i stumbled across the dancing kids. which rememinds me of those lessons i took for a month to learn how to swing dance... hmm. lets just say i don't know yet, though it was fun. ...shoot. i don't remember the doughnut that i was eating... but it is currently gone. oh, next friday will be my last at the hotel. the hospital/ agency place offered to switch me up to day shifts, and i am choosing to give it a go. but because most of the shifts will run from 7.3 to 4 i wont be able to start at the hotel at 4. i chatted with management but they were unable to work with the hoped for set-up that i have a intriquitly woven together in my mind. so... well see what tomorrow holds i guess. this is random. not that you needed me to state that however i still felt it may be nessicary for those attempting to plod through that written prose in hopes for something meaningful, enlightening, and well articulated. well, dear friends, scamper elsewhere perhaps. i just write. and i dont really get it myself. **** i work a 15 hour day today, but it was good-- and knowing that i am working towards a goal, i was somehow driven to try my hardest and not just yearning for the hours to pass by... not that there weren't times of those, but. so i is a bit strange to go from a fairly laxed work place to where i would venture out will the gang nearly... well... a lot. to then, not having work-- by choice though it was still a crazy time. to now... attempting to get a handle finacially and socially both. stange times. stange seasons. the other day... breakfast ephanies-- first off, wow. i think god is up to something with that groups. ana, carrie, anna, jenna, alicia, amber-- passionate, driven, seeking jesus, yeah, wow. ladies. but lets see, overnight wednesday to thursday it snowed. (i was on for a night shift and seriously over a foot of perfect white fluff on the rollerskate-- yes, i ate some.) and mind you i has been quite warm and springish in denver thus far. the birds have been over and about (they dont really leave, i guess) the grass has been getting green and the trees have begun to bud and blossom. lovely. than the snow came. beautiful white blanket. (the best kind for snowball fights, thee best kind) so, we met and chatted about jesus and life and justice and esther, and it would circle about some agreeing so disagreeing, conversation being held, unity occuring despite our widely vary gifts and views. and the green tree stood, with full fresh buds, it stood blanketed with a pure coat of white. and it was a slight to behold, one to stand amazed at, one to ask that your dreams tonight may display it. that is all for now. continue dear friends.