butterflys, crocodiles, heart, smile, me

do you know what im refering to? anyways, im done. i throw in the stinky towel. i am stick of "trying," im sick of "pleasing," im sick if being silent while really having something that should be said-- but i am scared... i have been scared to be me. so i haven't. now i am still a bit scared, but whatever-- could someone please give me a real reason to live timid, or are they all ways of complacency and sneaky-almost-believable lies? im a doing well. possibilities are turning into realities--and i don't mean that in a super vauge way, only a slightly vauge one. so, if you don't know me this week. know these parts of me now. *i wear a pink hoodie with paint marbled on it. it looks like an accident--. it keeps me warm a lot. *i have been looking into master's programs. i still really want to work with kids who don't quite realize their potential. i want to love on orphans and street kids. i want to hold the hands of an individuals who only know comfort from the affects of an open glue bottle. missions work is a must but than sometimes implimenting change throughout other sources calls for education a different way. so with my youth/ social science degree i trot on. im listening for direction-- let me know if you hear any that has my name on it. *i am learning about God's passion. i am learning that he is relentless. i am learning that he is the absolute example of perserverance. *i have an interview on thursday for an overnight stocking position. i hope it will allow a better time to write, with more locations to explore and exhaust. i am excited. the guy sounded great over the phone. i think he wants me to "join the team." *i have been in contact with relevant magazine. *i have decided that i like squash more than sweet potatoes. sweet potatoes used to be my favorite... does it really matter what my favorite "whatever" is? does it truely matter where i stand on particular issues. it doesn't. it really, actually does not. but the point is i am now more so ok with stating in a normal tone rather than a whisper directed to you, while i am in the other room and you are distracted and the conversation has moved on--- i know you will not hear than. but now you may. if you ask. and sometimes if you don't ask. because he gave me a heart, and he gave me a smile, he gave me jesus, and he made me his child... and i just the thank you, father, for making me, me.--- a question that still must be asked of myself: are you being you? not trying. simply being.-- fare thee well. ((all this and we aren't even to the hump of the week.))

oh memorial wked

my sister graduated on friday. the kerstings say "farewell" to the boyceville school district. nice. ((i received a hug from my third grade teacher, and senor cornered me, asking why i did not call him when i lived in the cities-- as he also resides there. and emily erin's eyes sparkled thoughout the evening.)) than. culinary artist and traveling religion teacher--happy-happy-one-yr-older and myself went to the cottage. across wisconsin. on a lake. our destination- relaxation. (it was my great grandpa's place and we just have kept it in the family. let me know if you ever want to rent it out. cheap rates.) we chatted. 'why are some topics seemingly unacceptable to discuss in christian "circles," what is the reason' the car ride continued. wonderful. yet very late. i was a little sick of driving, and i perfer to drive at night-- this was bad. going along through the quant tourist-y town very close to our home for a handful of hours. i glanced in the rear view and saw the colors spiraling. right curb, lets get together. ok. this has happened before. DL, dig the thing out. the lady cop came over to the passangers side and her bright light caused my eyes to become fixated. "hello, you seem a bit dazed." WHAT? (later my culinary arist friend said- 'who won't be seemingly dazed at four in the morning with a flashlight pointed in their face?' i forever agree. anyways i have to fix my right headlight because its out. and i have to send the sheet back to her because otherwise she'll make me pay. oh police don't threaten. it is late. and i haven't been drinking. so i may be moreso coordinated with the karate that i learned in 9th grade.... we got there and it was really great. fun people to be with. fun boat to be in. fun candy to eat. home agian. it was a quick deal, but it was very much worth the hours away. we got stopped by a male cop on the way home because my back right blinker is out, and the license plate on the front is still off. car maintance i will now focus on you, since it seems others know of our little time spent together. i am sorry to you, ms. blackberry. i am sorry you have felt neglected- i honestly did not know the full extent of how you were presenting yourself to the public... im glad im not a police person. im glad im not working with my badge on memorial weekend. now im off and going out. i have a headache. my parents are staining some of the wood flooring in the house and it is rather strong. or maybe my head is in pain from the lengthy drive. out to walk in the sun in my sundress. it is summer, you know.

evening thusday: hello from Billy.

((b. joel *vienna))

Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

early thursday. hello New Day.

people. friendships are hard. this evening i said "no" to one that i used to say "yes" to. it was hard. im not good at saying "no," if fact, i'd much rather say "yes." people. relationships are hard. a couple days ago i reconnected with a man where there used to be 'a bit of something going on between our interactions,' and it was good to reconnect, but it was hard. people. i like getting to know individuals, but than it starts getting really risky when they start getting to know you..... bedtime is past due. hopefully, you are dreaming with your eyes shut in this time zone- and dreaming with eyes open if you are in europe or asia right now. live your dreams. enjoy thusday. alrighty, bye then.

partial credit: endorphins

I went running when I returned from the place where I usually head off to on weekdays. I opted to conquer a hill-ier route… but the last time I actually went out with the purpose off working up a sweat was quite some time ago--- so I huffed along. Passing the trilliums, which spread themselves throughout the ditches and back into the trees in way that seemed to beckon any passerby. They are the same wildflowers which caused my nose to drink deeply of their sweetness. (By the way trilliums are WI’s flower so supposedly it is illegal to pick them-- however, the wooded nature of much the state’s landscape makes the rule rather ridiculous. So, of course we have them in vases and jars throughout the house. It would probably be more so ridiculous if we did not cease this opportunity.) Spotting my very favorite weed, throwing out it’s yellow flare, I ran on. Over gravel, and sand, and worn down black top. I trudged up the hills, spitting was minimum. I went on. Than I stopped. I walked to the middle of the road, and I just stood there. (Yes… the back, back roads.) My mind was full. My heart, the same. I looked down the black-topped-path-made-for-heavy-wheels in both directions. “I was standing in the middle of the road. Thee middle.” It wasn’t very crazy, because I seemed not to be in midst of raging traffic- but it was wonderful, so I stood their longer. I walked into the woods. There was a horizon that I could see. I wanted to know what was beyond it. Intrigue overtook my set task. I was now heading off in yet another direction- one I did not originally set out to take. Walking through the tall grasses, and the short may flowers. Stepping over the fallen branches and crouching to make a pass under the fairy bridge. I went up. I ran through some nettles and yes, they stung pretty bad--- but oh my gosh, when I arrived to my new chosen designation… it was amazing. I looked about in every direction that I could and old, known images, in totally new angles and perspectives and locations enticed me. I circled about, and I sang. And I just was. I sat and I looked really closely one moment-- and than I peer out and attempted to blob my surrounding in like a vague cartoon-ish sketch………… There were more horizons. In every direction. Oh, how I longed to walk them all. To race to the edge of each, and to peer- and see- and know. Know what I didn’t know yet.----------- Now, I am typing. Some of my thoughts show up in word form on a screen. I am having a what-really-matters-? moment. I am involved in a God-is-so-big, and-I-don’t-really-understand-him-! hour. I am sitting in a time of peace-that-surpasses, and-even-still-I throw-in-my-two-cents-comments. ((I really like to just play. And today, instead of the predetermined run… I actually just got to play. Maybe I will start jumping on my bed every night. Maybe I will put aside the thought of having to replace springs. Maybe I will just jump already, or twirl, or giggle, or draw with the juices of a smashed bug or a smashed flower, or go barefoot- and wiggle my toes deliberately. Maybe I will really look at the creator‘s pieces of nothing-short-of-amazing art, while I wiggle my toes. Maybe.))

a conversion chart and "writer's block"

i took the scuzzy conversion chart of of the cutting table a while ago, because i was sick of the scuzziness. .25=1/4, .5=2/4=1/2, .75=3/4, .33=1/3, .66=2/3... and it went on. the original sheet was tossed-- though not on purpose... as i recall... i usually cut the fabric, however; there are times that the little old ladies come when im at lunch or gone for the day. what can i say? sorry? im not. my coworkers are a bit ticked though because i keep forgetting to make up another conversion chart. i finally taped a sheet with only the quarter increments on it in attempts to ward them off. i guess they get really nervous when their name is announced over the intercom and directs them engage in a conversation concerning grandchildren and percentages of cotton-- fractions are tricky to figure when you are under so much pressure. tonight. that's my homework.**



typically i think the excuse of writer's block is lame. dumb and lame and nothing else. but now im expeirincing it and i kind of just want some sympathy. so now im being lame. writers block doesn't really exist, i thought... it is simply reason to offer when the writer has a less than a motivational drive-- so i thought. so what is it when the mind suddenly goes blank on what one's been working on? maybe its not blockage, possibaly it is the body's way to protect the imagianation and functioning brain from going into overdrive, which eventually could lead to some sort of harm. i have no idea what im taking about. maybe i will now go back to the word processor and type in a place that corrects my spelling and capitalizes my "i's" automatically. maybe my thoughts will come together more apropriatly. word processor project im coming back to you-- whether you want me to or not.**



stawberry tea is pretty good.

...................................................................

Sachs. Jeffrey D. Sachs that is. I haven’t met him. I wonder what the D. stands for though. David, Daniel, Derrick, Dwaine. Hmmm. A book recently hit the shelves. It has his name on the front. A copy of the book has been resting between the grip of my fingers. Or maybe the book is not resting at all. Maybe it is letting out blood curdling screams-- yet the inanimate object can not be listened to “verbally”-- the way we are likely to listen-- therefore, it is seemingly resting.

Titled, The End of Poverty. Subtitled, Economic Possibilities For Our Time.

I am not done with it. But it has me halted. Am I making sense? Here I sit, at a desk-- in comfortable clothes, eating Reese’s. Here I sit, returning from a day spent in the receiving area of the shop. I handled boxes with various entrance ports stamped upon them. I ripped off enough plastic to fill numerous garbage bags-- the plastic wrappings that our clothes and shoes are in prior to them hitting the well-lit, well-advertised consumer shelves. I am aware of the sweat shops throughout this world. I know. I do not know all. I can not begin to comprehend the lifestyle that people are assumed to live in. I do not know enough. I do not know their stories. People. Lovely beautiful people.

The shirt that had shiny buttons, like what real cowboys have on their tops, and had plaid blues woven throughout, almost came home with me. It was made in Bangladesh. Mr. Jeff wrote about how the clothing factories in B’desh have provided “rungs” for this country to climb out of poverty. My mind goes, “yeah, but what about contributing to the issue of hard labor….” I guess I must complete the reading to get a full taste of his mindset as well as, his depth-ly research. Wow. It is thick-ish--- but the topic is a thick one--- many pages need to be expected.

Bono gives the go ahead in his forward. ((I do believe we could have anticipated that from the very beginning, eh? Again, Bono forwardedededed.)) “Jeff is hard to ignore. At speaking events I’ve had to walk on after this man (it’s like the Monkees going on after the Beatles). His voice is louder than any electric guitar, heavier than heavy metal. His passion is operatic, he’s physically very present, animated. There is a wildness to the rhetoric but a rigor to the logic. God may have given him a voice with an amplifier built in, but it’s the argument that carries the day.

“He’s not just animated; he’s angry. Because he knows that a lot of the crisis in the developing world can be avoided. Staring at people queuing up to die three to a bed, two on top and one underneath, in a hospital just outside of Lilongwe, Malawi, and knowing this doesn’t have to be so is too much for most of us. I am crushed. He is creative. He’s an economist who can bring to life statistics that were, after all, lives in the first place. He can look up from the numbers and see faces through the spreadsheets, families like his own that stick together on treks to the far ends of the world. He helps us makes sense of what senseless really means: fifteen thousand Africans dying each and every day of preventable, treatable diseases--AIDS, malaria, TB-- for lack of drugs that we take for granted.” (Sachs, 2005. Pp. xvi.)

---------
Ok. CSI. Have you heard the previews? Does "buried alive" ring a bell? That's tonight. Unless, of course you're going to read the above mentioned. I offer options. Your toss.

on day number 118

lwc (the church building i attend) has been thinking about expansion for years now. muddling with the idea and practicalities... i am big on jesus christ followers being the church body, period. i am big on meeting wherever and however, to simply justify meeting together and loving on each other, along with foundational teaching and worshiping with persons who are hungry for truth. i have never been prone to get excited about the dimensions of the fellowship hall-- so potluck isn't too crowded, or a space specifically set aside for the children's left hand sissors so they aren't hard to find when a lefty attends sunday school... the church i attend isn't big on extravagent buildings either, nor a speacil spot for left-handed sissors, however; questions arise when the church people meet together to discuss a church building. questions. some about dreams that have yet to come about, others about necessary nitty-gritty stuff that not many in this church body seem to care about getting their (our) hands dirty with.

there is a large highway being built from the cities. it comes through stillwater, mn (amazing place! a visit is HIGHLY recomended) and then out in our direction. stillwater is probably about 35 min. from the church. complexes and apartments are in various developental stages. it was put clearly on sunday when my pastor said, "the world has begun to prepare. what are we going to do?"

honestly, i was very much agianst the project for many months now. i sat on my chair and thought "nice plan, but im not going to be a part of it". i declared overtly to persons who would listen, "im not sure. god hasn't said anything to me concerning this..." than i would rattle off logical reasons-- countering my supposed stance in either direction. while i looked at graphs and points of discussion on an overhead this past sunday afternoon, my heart was hard. it was both bitter and brittle. past church stuff ran through my mind... my heart. i choose to dwell upon those feelings and what i could presently see both within the church (these church people and the church as a whole- all jesus lovers)and outside-- people who just don't know. i choose to dwell instead of hearing whispers about possibilties.*****

transformation within the past few days. it is a crazy thing when you choose jesus' ideas over your own. yeah. im pretty darn selfish.******

im not sure what will happen for this particular "building"--- i don't think that is ecesstially what matters at this point-- this day-- this hour.*****

randy dean, our pastor, at lwc called us to 120 days of faith... in my opinion, that is harder than anything right now. it has only been 2 days. no begging. none of that logical stuff. simply waiting. waiting as a preperation. waiting as an inhaled breath for the surprise that will be. waiting so it might be about him and what he wants not just a building with people drawing straws for the shade of the restrooms interior.*****

the past is behind. this includes my former hurts and ideologies that in many insidents came from a religious setting.*****

church. i am kind of.wait. i am really excited.*****

read acts. read the letters to the churches-- they're in the back of the bible. read paul's notes. they are still relevant. (that is a promise) if you don't have a bible. you can almost always find them at goodwill. if you don't have access. let me know. i will get you one. for real.*****

proceeding with reckless abandonment... faith. hmmm. and than i look around. oh gosh. well, so i follow another's lead and choose to offer my unbelief. god has already proved that he changes hearts and lives and attitudes and realities and.....

(enjoy THIS day)

dusty past

for the past several weeks especially i have also decided to partake in what some like to deem "spring cleaning" typically i don't believe in this sort of filteration process of the stuff that has a tendency to accumulate. why does the deep cleaning thing only occur in the spring? STOP. so i disagree with the coined name... truth be known... though i don't like the label "pack rat" i will admit that i hold on to incredible quotes on little scraps of paper, and wrappers and movies stubs from the once-upon-a-time events that still bring vivid memories to flash in my mind. i have a lot of old magazines and art junk because who knows when i will need that particular photo shot, or that word in exactly that size and font, or the circle ring from inside a left over tape roll, or the five inch peice of fat red ribbon. i figure "it" might be needed a.t.s.o.m.e.p.o.i.n.t.r.i.g.h.t-- you are almost convinced. last week, we were switching price stickers at the shop. after only a little while of sticking them together in a conveinent wad, i got an idea. i wanted to keep them. it would only take a moment longer to stick the once used labels onto the sheet in which the new ones were coming off. another person did it for me as well. by the end of the day, we had well over a hundred. im not for sure what i am going to do with them. whatever it is, i think im going to enjoy it. no doubt. OK. so i ran across THIS in my cleaning. i did not write it. it comes from a publication put out by teen mania ministries-- one of their 1999 peices. (they are incredible. loving jesus. living life. and stepping out in doing so.) drum roll... here we go.(( DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN... Jelly shoes and jams were the making of a great outfit? You had your first encounter with Atari games (the promising beginning of digitally-advanced fun)? The Cold War came to an end, and a McDonald's subsequently opened in Moscow? The Transformers defeated the Decepticons? Beverly Hills 90210 aired for the first time? The question that plagued America was "where's the beef?" You finally found Waldo? The Berlin Wall came down? You first entered Pee Wee's playhouse? Most people's idea of cultural sensitivity was to "Walk like an Egyptian?" Kelly broke up with Zach on Saved by the Bell? You sat entranced during a live broadcast of the Gulf War? You saw your brain on drugs being demonstrated with an egg and a frying pan? "I'm rubber and you're glue..." was the comeback of the ages? New Kids on the Block were the entertainers of the year? You discovered who you were going to marry and how many kids you'd have by playing MASH? "Surfing the Web" became a household phrase? You heard of Princess Diana's fatal car wreck? Titanic's gross intake crossed the $400 million mark? Your friends all started carrying beepers and cell phones to school? Jim Carrey became the man of the hour? Bill Clinton was elected to his first Presidential term? You first joined efforts with all the rest of the kids on your block to build a half-pipe? You realized, much to your dismay, that you did not have the ability to activate the "Care Bear Stare?" Nancy Kerrigan won a silver medal at the 1994 Olympics? You put a playing card in your bicycle spokes so it would make that cool motorcycle sound? You looked to The Goonies for a great adventure? The AIDS epidemic became a worldwide threat? You and your friends first raced down the block on your Big Wheels? You were given your first friendship bracelet? The whole nation not only sang along with MC Hammer, but also wore his trademark pants? Millions of people were obsessed with OJ Simpson's trial? Your favorite SLAP bracelet wore out from overuse? You got your first pai of Velcro-fastening shoes? Crystal Pepsi made its debut? Michael Jordan played the final game of his NBA career? Laser tag was the action game of choice? The ultimate printed craze allowed you to "Choose your own adventure?" You heard about the Columbine shooting? Mad Libs familiarized you with the parts of speech by creating a wacky story? Muppet Babies could make your dream come true ("Just close your eyes and make believe, and you can be anywhere")? Back to the Future predicted that roads would be obsolete in the 21st Century? You heard the verdict of President Clinton's impeachment trial? The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles became an overnight sensation? You saw the original Home Alone? Blue M&M's replaced light brown ones? You received the final update on the search for John F. Kennedy Jr.'s airplane? Mood rings purported to show a person's present state of mind? 21 Jump Street demonstrated what law enforcement was really like? Bart Simpson t-shirts were a must have commodity? The US Team defeated China in the final game of the 1999 Women's World Cup? WHERE WILL YOU BE... At the dawn of the NEW MILLENIUM?))--teen mania,1999. oh, and do you remember when the clock struck 12:01 a.m. on Jan. 1, 2000? fun times. old papers are sometimes quite pleasureable to treasure and hide away-- than being taken back by the forgotten-until-now past stuff. dusting your mind, and mine as well... ALSO an O-Happy-Day-Congrats to the famous Kurbis couple. "love is in thee air" may 14, it sounds so nice. bye for now all.

isolated thunderstorms & why i don't like using spell check until the second draft

rain has been on its way for the past several days. my anticipation is growing more so with each hour that ticks by. a couple weeks ago i debated whether i should purchase a pair of golloshes- i decided that i would invest in a worthy pair when i move to a location that has a monsoon season; meanwhile, i will make good mud with my bare feet after the rain pours. after water drips from the clouds. if lightning is present i will giggle- if thunder, i will laugh- if neither appears this time around, i will wonder who they are currently delighting or frigtening- i will wonder why it was not me. then i will just wait until the next time the beastly clouds roll in. i will wait until the 'pair of magic' enable my eyes to sparkle, and my arms to shiver- when they do decide to come out and play with the rain.
**SPEEL CHEK.
according to someone (not me, i heard this somewhere)-- if you have "basically" the correct letters within the word that you are attempting to write out AND the correct first and last letter for the word-- if it is a word that is typically used in today's vocabulary, than the brain is able to decipher the word the was originally meant, though not spelled correctly. try it. elaphit spceifactons imjucstce
ok. now in my opinion. i used to proof-read as i wrote. USED TO. yeah, i attempt to jot something down which is still somewhat understandable to the rest of mankind-- but whatever-- because sometimes i don't care. that was harsh. i will work on controling myself better. ...i truly believe that some of the best work comes out at that initial completely unedited part. refine. redo. reform. rework. reword. SPELL CHECK. i think all of the refinishing stuff would work better if it was a rule that it came later. in other words, the origianal prose could be the meat. the hunk of game that lays in the back of a proud someone's truck for half a day... the details for preperation will come, they will-- but they'll come at an appropriate time- later. that first job is to tackle the ONE that you have been waiting for all day in the woods. tackle the story. or the letter. or the blog. or a written thing... or perhaps life. tackle with a deliberatly unedited stance. hunt for the emotion that is deep within. and shoot the thing down. garnish with greens, and spice for full flavor when the time for presentation arrives. however, until presention time not many care about the pretty-ness; rather they long to know if the creature you or i have caught and killed -- will make for filling the empty stomachs of those who are lined for miles, longing to feast.
thats my take. that is way i don't believe in editing until the first draft is over, anymore. i'm relieazing the importance of killing a beast with gusto. and real-ness and honestly are always good. alright. im waving. later.

plan b

it's a coffee shop on hennenpin. i never went to it but still plan to. plan b: head to plan b somewhere along the line. yeah that didn't really work like i wanted it to. um. so. i had a great story. but i lost it, and am NOT in the mood to write it out agian. so im not going it.--- i held my god-brother's brand new baby yesterday. he was not even a day old. handsome. wow.---i am wearing my favorite pants. i got a little rip in them last summer when we went to visit andy and tyler- climbing the silo- and after numeroues times of getting my foot caught in the once-tiny-knee-rip, the pants flap open and i really can't wear them to many "functions." my beloved pants. i still enjoy your presense- though your old and worn and ripped-- i refuse to let you go.--- the flowers are out. may flowers and other small colorful things. i went outside already. i will agian.--- maybe i will tell the story -a g a i n- the short version. i got to pray for this guy in front of walmart yesterday. and afterwards he told me things that i have been waiting for conformation about for months. thats it, the end. i am reminded that god is good. he truely is always good.---i applied for nights at walmart. im already wearing a blue vest, so i might as well not be driving as far and expand my social circle with more blue vest wearers. ha.---listening to rilo kiley. i am allowing myself to pretend like i am floating. its kind of fun.---if i had a canoe rack on the car i would be driving to bethany's to pick her up and take her to some body of water. soon bethany, ok?--- wednesday. im home. i don't know what to do with myself. this usually doesn't happen.--- well there are plently of options. i am leaving. so i can determine what i shall do. leaving... now... to decide. an art muesum c a l l i n g. that takes gas in the little car that i previoiously determined i will not use until later. bye. i must sort my ACTUAL options. what are you doing today?