new orleans

insurance company closed due to hurricane. i was mad. raging. now i just wait for the winds to clam themselves so i can call again.

((welcome to the evening's Long Blog. the title was meant to forewarn of length alone.))

*I CAN not continue any longer down this path that I have been trudgging.

*Dry are my eyes. They crave tears. My heart is on the verge of being broken. I cling for control and yet that is what must be lost.
*His name is freedom. My eye are fixated upon his and I can not help but lust. I have grown up to understand that lust is a wrong act. Something by which I must run from. This attraction is not impure, this attraction I feel has been motivated by the very one who enables me to breath. Freedom simply lives. I long for that.
*I laughed at the girls who envied her. She was my friend. I loved her. I had reason to envy her. But it is hard to truly love someone and truly envy someone at the same time. Believe me, I tried.
*"Tell the story." A voice echoed within my hurting body. I grasped to unearth the words that did not naturally flow from the depths of my existance. I dug to capture my raw emotional insight, but my mind remained clouded and in pain. The thoughts could not be roped to be put on display at moments notice.

__________I am not sure when I wrote that. I just found the words that were strung together hidden away electronically… As for my voice tonight; here goes. The week has been busy. Quite. I have really enjoyed most parts of it though tonight I am exhausted and my reflection looks tired. The shift I work at present is from 5:30 am until 2:00 pm. It has been a good change from my typical afternoon and evening shifts. It has been neat to see the new day peeking out from the edge of darkness. I like getting off at 2:00 and knowing that there was a period in my life that I didn’t even get dressed for the day until the clock read pm of some sort. It has been nice.___ I had a crazy overload of evening plans this past week. It seems that my new availability times have been taken advantage of, in a good way. Conversations were laced with vulnerability. Laughter was found in an atmosphere of trust. And sarcasm lingered slightly. Details withheld. If you really want to know I will inform. But, perhaps you don’t and yeah… I am not in the mood to write them out if you don’t really want to hear. ENOUGH. Good times with old friends and new friends and ducks.___________My lovely friend, Shandi, was brave enough to confront me about some things about myself that I did not see. I have wanted to pick up and get-out-of-town for a long while. I have been antsy. She enlighten me about my relationship tendencies: great with interactions with strangers, bad at the bridge from acquaintances to friends, loyal with those whom are choosen companions. In other words, I have a lot of "friends" but few whom I truly consider my FRIEND, persons I am able to just BE while I am in their presence. So, it takes me a long time to make these FRIENDs. …therefore… if I run far, my network will not be as near as it is at present. (…but I have these sorts of FRIENDs throughout this nation and others… hmmm. Maybe Shandi just wants me around physically a bit longer. Ha.)_______I was supposed to go to a fish fry tonight with Christa, whom I met while I was working at the shop. We are going to do it next week hopefully because of exhaustion it is not happening this eve… The pictures down below are of my last day at the shop. They all wrote little notes on a blanket and the break table’s room was filled with flowers and gifts (those incredible velcro shoes!) and food. Anyways. I have been up to visit and it has been good. Tough to leave. Time to leave. Tonight when Christa and I chatted on the phone—it seemed as if I worked there yesterday._________Plans. I don’t know. I am realizing finally that it is ok to not know. So, yeah—I still have new ideas and new inklings every other day. I will need to choose and just go after that, in a bit—but tonight, I think it is ok to not really know. Tomorrow will take care of it’s self, eh? I think I have heard that somewhere._________ My parents were just informed recently that they could go to Sudan to work with a missionary from my uncle’s church if they are interested. So, new things are unfolding. We’ll see. ________Emma is planning on heading to UW Superior to study Art Therapy on Tuesday. I think she should join a sorority.___ I actually just got done on the phone with Amber. She knows hot guys I could make out with but not to have a crush on because they are flaky. Next time I get to Boston, I’ll just meet them. Funny. Anyways. She is good. Her birthday is really soon. Thee forth. I like her a lot. Not just because I am supposed to like her/ love her—nope. I actually really enjoy her and I wish I could attend the-movie-viewing-through-the-projector-while-I-am-in-a-plastic-lawn-chair-arranged-in-the-back-yard-of-one-of-her-friend’s-place with her…that would be nice. But instead I am typing a really long blog, and I am writing you—whomever you are. Do you want to tell me who you are? I am leaving. Nowish. Until next time.

-***-, I forgot that this computer is unable to connect up with the scanner. No ALCO pictures it seems. It is like a movie. Little shops with vests and tags and highschoolers and old people. It could totally be a movie. Emma and I think so.

candid rainy

doctor's order

i had another near-fainting-event at work today. this time i actually had a banana, an english muffin, a large handful of rasins, two slices of toast spead each heavily with peanut butter and strawberry jam, gushing about "somewhere" within me. anyways after i turned pastey in color and managed to regain my vocal abilty, they tested my blood sugar and proceeded to wheel me over to the next door clinic. i sat in the little room shivering as the sun was beating down through the window-- so, yeah. that was my surreal event of the day. the test came back negative for diabeties. the doctor said i should be carrying hard candies around for emerencies... after some "life" returned to my face, i went back to work. of course, i paused at the gas station afterwards to pick up a roll of life savers-- and the implications of that didn't occur to me until this instance.___________ hmmm. in sixth grade our class went on a field trip to a huge county park. i was off tromping throughout the trails with some of my classmates. laughing, and shouting, and running with abrupt halts do not make for a great combination for any kid with asthma. after a hacking fit with sudden gasps for a possible breath... i yelled for chocolate. someone had a peice shoved in their pocket and it was soon in my mouth. with reassuring friends at my side i was brought back to the main site, no longer hacking. (i think its the caffine in chocolate... coffee is good as well... for asthma attacks.) funny. anyways, my asthma is basically nonexistant now. enough about ailements. that word looks wrong.____________ it was bethany's birthday yesterday. i like her a lot. people like her a lot. i hope she knows that. you would like her... if you don't already. for real. but, it is so much more than her "like-ability." she is a filteration of creative genius. she is wickedly hilarious. she weeps about and over people and souls she has never encountered to this day. i sound like i am trying to convince you. whatever. she just is beautiful and i can't help spewing a mini- list. so today is her first full day of being deemed 23 in age. yup._______ god has been consistent. and holy. and worthy. and it is like, when the day is considered done in my mind-- he asks me how it was. and again, in my tracks, i am stopped. there is a holy living god -alive and dwelling and i can simply answer his question of how i am, of how my day was... and he wants to hear. and he wants to respond. and than he is still here when i don't "hear" his question. so god is holy... do you know that this hour? do i know that this hour?__________________ picklefest is this weekend. that is boyceville's big hurrah. there are big dill pickles for sale and whoever win's the road race gets a metal pikle with a face and "in action" limbs. small town celebrations the are definatly memorable. the kerstings are having a garage sale at the hanger with the gray door both friday and saturday. i am selling a purple electric guitar and t-shirts from jr. high. come quickly! the prices are hot! ______________ the popsicle that i am eating dripped on the keyboard. thats it. i am leaving. fare thee well.

i guess it is broken for real.

((the computer at home.)) anyways, i should have used "e" instead of "a" in the manly word of my last post. i know this. i am sort of sorry. sort of.... the interview went well. the p.c. one-- it more or less had me in my traveling mode, and i enjoy that very much. but i must focus moreso on "street kids" - that is the only clear direction i have at present (and i have had for awhile, but i liked tossing it towards the back because after a bit it wasn't "new and exciting" to me.). so, i am back in my saving mode and moving out in january mode and now it is to a big city. city that has numerous options in the direction i am actually sure about. so the p.c. is likly to be revisited but, perhaps not at this time. we'll see. shandi and d are living in a little yellow house. mr. rodgers, i miss you. i got a job and quit a job and got a new job yesterday all within like four days. i am not sure how i feel about that considering i have like 15 jobs on my work history list-- and no i don't list the ones i have held for two days total. i must work on my commitment.

ladies and gentleman, welcome to august

and i am coming out of the dark corner just for a moment... thursday. in like two days, thursday. i have an interview with peace corp. so, yup. it has been a long process thus far and i am sure it will continue to be no matter the outcome of the meeting. that's all. i have to shave my legs,... and i want to shave my legs for this initial impression. so, pray if you would. for whatever god wants. because really when i stop with my petty indulgences, that is what i want.
enjoy this day. because, it will never agian be. ((my right shoulder hurts. maybe i am having a growth spurt right there. what if that shoulder suddenly grew a lot? and only that one? ok, now i look silly as i am grinning a silly grin. it is probably not a growth spurt.)) IT'S AUGUST! *the ice cream in stillwater is a good augusty treat. trust me. just kidding. prove it to your own tounge. it is one block of myrtle street.