i don't flirt well at 6 in the morning;

therefore, men, please don't try to hit on me then.

and don't attempt a pick-up when my snowboot wearing, cozy hat adorned self is carrying the carton cage-free eggs while trying to not slip on the ice.

thanks for the approach. BUT could you next time wait until ive recently applied burts, or until after 8 am, or heck-- wait till i've set the eggs down.

much appreciated.

christmasishness

historical tracking sheds light on the possibilties of the itty-bitty baby jesus NOT being born in the calander month of december. but im glad celebrations can still be had. merry merry. hope the dumplings were delightful and the wax from the norwegian head dress did not scald and small ears. ...or large ears for that matter. merry christmas and to all a good night. truly.

just now

will be working most friday nights now... i recieved the following text on my way to work: "you. pour house. now." i wanted to be driving the other way. i wish that i had fabulous eye- makeup on and cute shoes. i wanted to wink and have three guys offer to buy me drinks or plane tickets to their home cities. i wanted to laugh with the doormen and bar tenders about how it is always amature night friday's in lodo. i wanted to get a sweet meter spot that i could menuver into w/o parallal parking, when you don't have to pay for the meters anymore. so, i drove to work. and i called the number on my way, becasue the road was icey and i should probably not text in the car anyway... (though im not bad at biking and texting. oh, dear.) i bid them a good time as i imagianed the images moreso that would fit with the background noise i heard so clearly.

i arrived at work. and left again. i was to pick up on of the girls at work. i played mom with the van and we returned to the house. i laughed with my coworker and the girl. now everyone has gone off to bed. traveling away or sleeping amongst the blankets in their bed. it will be a good night i think. the tree is in the window with its colorful lights illuminating and christmas is in the air, oh and there are truffles in the office.

no alcohol, but there are truffles. yes, i do think i will be able to manage this friday night.

the phone works again.

surely one of these days it will bid its forever farethee. apparently not quite yet. i mean i t was resurrected.

"my"

really? is it mine? i don't know if i agree. though i continue to use the terminology. hmmm. perhaps, im a selfish brat at times. yeah, at times i am. i ain't no liar. ha. another discussion. another day.

consequences.

he was nice enough. they both were. just doing their job as they attempted to get me to sign a form i had yet to encounter in my lifetime. (the guys who were to tow "my" vehicle from the undisclosed fastfood joint's lot.) ___these fingers kept pressing the wrong buttons as i was working to find possible contacts for the questions that now arrived with this new situation. legally. what are my rights? can they really block me in? apparently so. and the towing company can hook up your car with you in it? they sure can. **bottom line. i was parked illegally. and i will have to deal with the consequences. and i will. but through this entire ordeal-- as annoying as it is... ((because im a rebel. goodness... and i wasn't able to access 4-wheel drive to hop the curve, because i don't have it--)) i witnessed people loving on me. really, truely. we care. and we will defend your cause. and, we will stand by your side no matter the outcome. thank you, thank you. that is what i picked up. so. jess, jeff. you are my heros. meghan, you will be my hero. all of those who will wake with a matter-of-fact tone of my voice within your reciever, the texts, the offers, the direction- thank you. dealing with firsts, is a lot less terrifying when they are persons who care surrounding one- and i'm grateful.-- and i'm grateful for the lessons about integrity and being called on it. first by a towing company and secondly by an awesome god. no. it doesn't feel lovely. yes, it is rather annoying BUT... i would rather deal with it now and battle it out with my opinionated stances and justifications than wait another bit. so, fuck- it is an integrity issue. i wonder what the implications are? these conseqences. the results from this lesson. yep. *oh, and look for the tow man in church, if you go. he said he might return. take care. live well.

t u m b l e w e e d

scribbled dreams upon the horizontal lines within the day runner

i think tumbleweeds are with-holding secrets

____________________________________

so what about that.

denver being my current home.
community living.
fair trade shops.
interceeding for nations.
practicality of networking.
involvment of individuals lives and their involvment with my own.
paying bills.
friends vs friendship.
boundries vs no boundries.
the great cloud of witnesses.
raising awarenenss.
justice.
no condemnation.
turning 26.
new mercies, new days.
worship.
living well.
potential.

thanksgiving naptime

most everyone else is sleeping. i am sitting on the floor, with my upper body perched appropriately on emily's big cushioned chair. (*yes, she brought it from home. yes, there has been an ongoing joke about hemorrhages. yes, it is only a joke.) i am in front of the fireplace. i want to say that it is crackling, but it's not. it is rather breathy in it's portrayal of existence for the time being. yet, with another dry one added, all will change. i'm eating pumpkin cheesecake. im not sure why consumption is still occurring; however, the new snow upon the crispy leaves that were to be raked up, the aroma that still lingers from the turkey my dad smoked, the packers winning again, and fancy hunter's beer, each, somehow, add to the atmosphere of allowing another nibble of sweet brilliance to pass through my lips. i wasn't sure how we would do it. i wasn't sold on attempting the thanksgiving more traditionally than we have ever done before. even so, this, household can, indeed, put on a glorious thanksgiving production. ...bring your children: we vetoed the centerpiece that looked like reproductive organs, and brought out stuffed black olives with cream cheese- doubled them- and added beaks- they did look like penguins... and they were meant to. ok, i'm reading wind in the willows. not right now, obviously, but goodness-- eggnog and that lovely mole. ha. perfect. envision. after this writing bit. pure indulgence. [[this time around has been quite different. last year, the day was spent purging my closet of anything not made in the usa or china. china attire was seemingly permissible because i would otherwise own no pants. star wars was located and entered into the electronic device. phone conversations were had and shots with an additive of flirtation at a little bar on colfax were to follow. the hours past. i drank a lot. i stood on colfax with a fabulous man who cared about my safety alone. silly thanksgiving of old? maybe. maybe not. i am thankful for a true friendship that looked past my drunken state of vulnerability and chose to care. i am thankful for clothing that was sewn together by careful tedious movements, and attentiveness to concerns facing nations not determent upon their local . i am thankful for life and safety. for opportunities. for meeting new faces and appreciating old faces. for conversations that last beyond the vocal dialog. for fire, when it's crackling and breathing heavy a like. for a voice, and to think of the honor of the responsibility, rather than the responsibility solely.]] eggnog. the wind in the willows. oh, and the fire is now crackling. happy thanksgiving. love and be loved, i dare you.

pack red: it will be hunting season still

last week we had gotten the thanksgiving thing squared away. finally. after awhile dealing with the quickly approaching unknown-ness of the holidays-- my wishing-to-be-in-control-of-situtations self was annoyed, to say the least. cheap southwest tickets were purchased, so after some glorious turbulance, i will meet my dad and amber's kind pitbull in chicago. from dropping the news to each family member that i would probably not be able to make the trek, i somehow have managed to become the daughter who will now be at my parent's the longest. it will be beautiful. it will be ridiculous. we are to meet a man, upon amber's introduction. thus, it seems we are having a traditional feast. *trandition in the kersting residence over thanksgiving consists of frozen pizzas and the starwars trilogy and a bit of the macys at times, oh, and baby pickles! it is from years of this being the norm, that i find it rather hilarious that my dad is smoking a turkey, and my mom and older sister both, keep inquiring about the proposed menu. i love it. wisconsin will be good. family time will be good. meeting the stranger that i keep hearing about will be good. the feast will be good, i am assured. fabulous family times. i wonder what will occur during this gathering period. ***it wasn't so long ago when the family vacation happened in salida, co. raining days, spastic and sane cousins alike, four-wheeling with grandma alongside, starlight skinnydipping, fat chimpmunks needing yet to indulge, crispy sunburns, fly fishing and horseback riding escapades, failed and attained mountian ventures: quite similar to nat'l lampoon's family vacation... just imagian. goodness.
i do anticipate being with these people. a lot. these that i love truly, madly, and deeply. new adventures, one can only wait. yes, im laughing. in the most amatory way.

end all choice.

as a disclaimer alone, i long to be honest with the 'unseen audience' that is currently gathered around their own personalized screen. ((you dear individuals.)) i have dealt with quite a bit of death thus far in my life. not massive amounts, i am far from be a dealing-with-grief-expert. evenso, the dog dying in second grade was seemingly only a warm up session for my young body. i graduated high school with 62 other students. the number could have been higher. nearly every other year a classmate died within my class. my dear friends. then, relatives passed away along the way. then, community members breathed their last. grief started with a pet. i suppose for many of us it does. after high school, my best friend with whom attended both my 1st grade birthday party, and we exchanged waves from across the way two days before i received news of her death over the disbeiving voice on the phone's reciever. she had commited suicide. there are more tales. benjamin, the squirrel we raised for a summer. my crazy, awesome grandpa who used to sit on me when i wouldn't get him the newspaper. the accident in russia, where i wasn't thinking what-so-ever and stood and allowed the camera's flash to illuminate to hurt of another. ms. alice, she pulled my hair, bit me, and encouraged me like little can compare to as she whispered truth treasures hours before her time. more and more stories, and they continue, as the will to live questions us each, everyday... and multiple times a day, if indeed, one is introspective in his day's journey. this week. two youth group kids from home were in an accident. one, hospitalized. one, died. a massive heart, a laughter that draws, a lover of the lover not on this marblized planet any longer. only hours ago, i sat on suicide watch for one no longer waiting to devote to the high and lows and evened-out plains of life. **enough with the disclaimer already. END ALL CHOICE. the hours, the moments. some long to live, some long to not. driving choices. driving potential. some are drenched in seemingly tourture and immense pain alone. some are tangled. some hurt. some are dizzied by freedom and overwhelmed by oppurtunity. some are direction-less. some are hopeful. some are hopeless. some are stangers within families. some make families of strangers. the messiness of this world. the changing of my emotions and my intake of situations, the changing tides of your own. some are faithful. some faithless. some, somewhere inbetween, an everchaging variable. ceasing. i long for my eyes to be opened, for my heart to be increasingly tenderized, for weeping; pain induced and joy evoked. i wish for peace and stillness in the choas. with a raging scream for only great love to sweep the moments of awakeness. for my very self, and your very core. may the marrow in our bones yearn only for ligaments and vessel veins and flesh that is coated in raw love. whatever that may look like.

this.

THE HIGH CALLING OF GOD
1. If God has called you to be really like Jesus in all your spirit, He will draw you into a life of crucifixion and humility. He will put on you such demands of obedience that He will not allow you to follow other Christians, and in many ways He will seem to let other good people do things which He will not let you do.
2. Other Christians and ministers who seem very religious and useful may push themselves, pull wires and work schemes to carry out their plans, but you cannot do it. If you attempt it, you will meet with such failure and rebuke from the Lord as to make you sorely penitent.
3. Others can brag about themselves, their work, their success, or their writings, but the Holy Spirit will not allow you to do any such thing. If you begin it, He will lead you into such deep mortification that will make you despise yourself and all your good works.
4. Others will be allowed to succeed in making great sums of money or having a legacy left to them or in having luxuries. But God may supply you daily because He wants you to have something far better than gold and that is a helpless dependence on Him, that He may have the privilege of providing your needs day by day out of the unseen treasury.
5. The Lord may let others be honoured and put forward but keep you hidden away in obscurity because He wants to produce some choice, fragrant fruit for His coming glory, which can only be produced in the shade.
6. God will let others be great, but keep you small. He will let others do a work for Him and get the credit for it, but He will make you work and toil on without knowing how much you are doing. Then to make your work still more precious, He will let others get the credit for the work which you have done, and this will make your reward ten times greater when Jesus comes.
7. The Holy Spirit will put a strict watch on you, with a jealous love, and will rebuke you for little words and feelings or for wasting your time, which other Christians never seem distressed over.
8. So make up your mind that God is an infinite Sovereign, and has a right to do as He pleases with His own. He will not explain to you a thousand things which may puzzle your reason in His dealings with you. God will take you at your word; and if you absolutely will yourself to be His slave, He will wrap you up in a jealous love and let other people say and do many things that you cannot do or say. Settle it forever, that you are to deal directly with the Holy Spirit. Also that He is to have the privilege of tying your tongue or chaining your hand or closing your eyes, in ways that others are not dealt with.
9. Now when you are so possessed with the loving God that you are, in your secret heart, pleased and delighted over this peculiar personal, private, jealous guardianship and management of the Holy Spirit over your life, you will have found the vestibule of heaven.
(Source Unknown)

pausing to wave

it is now november. the mountians still attempt to beckon me, and i stop in wonderment from something, many things, deemed beautiful. the months and days continue to pass by as sure as the moments on the digital time tellers fail to grasp a minute, longer than a minute.

i took a barefoot walk the other day; where the ground was cold except for those sun spots on the sidewalk. calloused toes have passed with the summer activities, and the seeming sharp edges of the crispy leaves dug into my suple flesh... yes! i long to only do it again. perhaps, this very day-- i will again meandor through the fallen leaves, emersing myself into the churning seasons, as i wish for those tough summer toes once more. tough and tan... not today, although they will reek of scents that may enable you to envision a delightful classic with pages full of dated aroma read by one on a grand leather chair, with velvet wine in hand and the sparks of the fire dancing to the pattering of the rain. fall turning into winter. my feet, given a chance will attest, to the present season.

take care. consider a barefoot staunter. or just eat some soup. welcome to november.

tomorrow

i am planning on flying to wisconsin. needless, to say... i am rather excited.

password found.

does anyone else have a hard time consuming nutrition in the summer time heat? i think... naked juices and odwalla may be the answer to somewhat healthy under-the-weight-of-the-sun's-rays semi-meals, or at least snacks.
its a tuesday work day for me. laundry. dishes. sorting. bills. budgeting this next bit. purchasing tickets... score. im going home for a wedding in july. yes, please. i am so very excited. bonfires. a birthday train ride. a bachlorette bash. a donated to my use vehicle-- thank YOU. it will be lovely, i have no doubt the time will be good.
ok surreal occurance this last weekend. i worked at the hotel friday night (yes, they did work out a schedule i agreed to, therefore i am still employed.), and one of the guests asked if i would be interested in attending the ben folds/ j. mayer show @ red rocks on saturday. i responded with a "yes, my goodness, wow"-- actually i don't remember how i responded... ha. they were going to check with two of their friends but if they were unable to make it, the tickets were mine. WHAT? ok. i continued to clean the rooms... saturday morning i received a phone call while feasting upon my my bagel- which i had to force down because the summer time warmth didnt encourage my chewing/swallowing process at all :), --the tickets were going to be left at the front desk if i could get the night off. FRONT ROW. free. needless to say, i went into work straight away and said im not coming in- please don't hurt me too bad... no, i explained the entire situation and they said alright, youre scheduled sunday , see you then-- enjoy the show. so after i locked my keys in the car at target, and after two hours and a very bent hanger, and after the "unlocker guy" came, and after some delicious wheat beer, we went to the show. front row. arm bands. we chatted with the fabulous ticket offerers and they gave us authentic lays, flown in from maui. what? what a day. i didn't want to go to bed-- ever. so it was amazing, and so generous of them, and you know thats a pretty massive tip. so i still smile. and i wonder what today holds, because life can be ridiculous. like i plan all of these things to achomplish on this tuesday, but you know saturday when i was eating the bagel i wasnt thinking about the kind man from colorado springs who attempted to get the car door open for a long time, and i wasn't thinking about the beauty of the red rocks that i would be able to breath in because of another's giving... generosity. wow. thank you strangers, who love on me. xxx

always thinking it will be different...

once again... i like to play and pretend and imagain and create. i have a hard time being ok with life when it is not fun, and it hurts, and there is confussion and chaos spilt all over. i used to deny it. the messes of life. the complexities of living. the ideals i thought i would immerse myself into that were actually not ideals at all.

i am sitting in a coffee shop. my ass is begining to hurt a bit; although the hard wooden pew provides an amazing sense of enviroment, it , unforenutly does not cater to the body for lengths of time whatsoever.

last night, i worked at the hospital. it is strange to think that i ended my shift at eight this morning. it has been good for me to get hospital experience, although the realizations it has offered, angers me. i have been doing cna work in nursing homes for the last six years. six years! on and off a bit, but for the most part, the great bit of six years. when i lived in minneapolis i tried to get hired at a hospital. my resume was denied with the reasoning that i didnt have any accute care expeirence. when i moved to wisconsin, the same deal. i tried and was denied. colorado, spring of '06-- same thing. ok. knowing "fresh" cna's that worked in a hospital... i was frustrated. whatever. fastforward to now. i got a job with an agency that places cna's in hospitals and nursing homes both. (and am on call for a place that will set me up with home health care and hospice work.) beautiful. i wanted the experience. "there must be more that cna's do in hospitals..." but thus far i have taken vitals, done blood sugars, emptied urinials, made beds and filled water pitchers... i just wondered why all these hospital faciluties from the past wouldn't let me in when cna nursing home work is all that and... caring for these people, feeding, bathing, tolieting... please hear me. i am glad for the oppurtunity. happy for the expeirience. i just wonder if it stems back to this western societies fond approval of idolizing youthfulness and in turn disregarding elderly. ((oh and when i was at a nursing home last week-- an 80 yr old took out her green mood lipstick. no im not lying at all. i was able to witness the perfect application of this lip enhancer prior to the clock reading 7o'clock. funny. you would have laughed to. *i think i discarded mine in the 8th grade.))

now that it is warmish again-- i crave bike rides. it is an appropriate passion, i do beleive. yesterday, i was able to venture downtown with trish. we did a barnes and noble stop and then indulged in the fancy cheesecake that is at burger king for 1.29 and is scrumptious enough to compare with the cheesecake factory. ((the cheesecake factory reminds me of tyler burton while her surname was still stinson... and lem usita on his conference visit from cali... and ms. jenna stanfield *starfield! when we probably both had an overdraft fee and it was freezing and we were deliberating on the 16th street mall. oh, cheesecake.)) and now cheesecake, which trish stated she didn't even enjoy that much-- but we sat in the grass along the bike path and ate not-so-healthful food, after feeling somewhat healthy. then, jenna and i rode along the bike path today. chatting about men. and god. and which route to take. pretty much in the opposite line-up that i just stated.

life goals. to be an RN before im thirty... amber. you said it. not me. i think i want to but um, then theres school, and money and to actually work hard. honestly, i want to lay on the couch and read novels and watch little house on the prairie and eat ice cream and squash.

so the man at the counter gave me two massive chocolate cookies. oh peace floods with cookies consumptions.

ok i work at 6. goodbye. goodnight.

just leave the nose alone

turtle, la headzee's precious cat like to cuddle as close to one's head as possible. there has been several ocasions he has attempted to sleep on my face actually. and yes, it is a bit of a joke around the house that this cat will indeed be a baby killer. so he just climbed upon my chest and laid with his whiskers touching my cheeks his. i blow at him-- a hot blast of mouth air. he then proceeded to bat my nose. i stopped blowing. he continued to bat. goodness. i have since shooed hiowm from my presence. and now find the noise of swing kids quiet pleasent in the background. i am not one to typically like "background tv noise"-- not at all. how however, it was either this or quiet quiet, and hey tonight i choose the 1930's young rebel's music. i started with 'big fish,' then '40 yr old virgin,' then some documentary on sharks... but none of those were in their cases, until i stumbled across the dancing kids. which rememinds me of those lessons i took for a month to learn how to swing dance... hmm. lets just say i don't know yet, though it was fun. ...shoot. i don't remember the doughnut that i was eating... but it is currently gone. oh, next friday will be my last at the hotel. the hospital/ agency place offered to switch me up to day shifts, and i am choosing to give it a go. but because most of the shifts will run from 7.3 to 4 i wont be able to start at the hotel at 4. i chatted with management but they were unable to work with the hoped for set-up that i have a intriquitly woven together in my mind. so... well see what tomorrow holds i guess. this is random. not that you needed me to state that however i still felt it may be nessicary for those attempting to plod through that written prose in hopes for something meaningful, enlightening, and well articulated. well, dear friends, scamper elsewhere perhaps. i just write. and i dont really get it myself. **** i work a 15 hour day today, but it was good-- and knowing that i am working towards a goal, i was somehow driven to try my hardest and not just yearning for the hours to pass by... not that there weren't times of those, but. so i is a bit strange to go from a fairly laxed work place to where i would venture out will the gang nearly... well... a lot. to then, not having work-- by choice though it was still a crazy time. to now... attempting to get a handle finacially and socially both. stange times. stange seasons. the other day... breakfast ephanies-- first off, wow. i think god is up to something with that groups. ana, carrie, anna, jenna, alicia, amber-- passionate, driven, seeking jesus, yeah, wow. ladies. but lets see, overnight wednesday to thursday it snowed. (i was on for a night shift and seriously over a foot of perfect white fluff on the rollerskate-- yes, i ate some.) and mind you i has been quite warm and springish in denver thus far. the birds have been over and about (they dont really leave, i guess) the grass has been getting green and the trees have begun to bud and blossom. lovely. than the snow came. beautiful white blanket. (the best kind for snowball fights, thee best kind) so, we met and chatted about jesus and life and justice and esther, and it would circle about some agreeing so disagreeing, conversation being held, unity occuring despite our widely vary gifts and views. and the green tree stood, with full fresh buds, it stood blanketed with a pure coat of white. and it was a slight to behold, one to stand amazed at, one to ask that your dreams tonight may display it. that is all for now. continue dear friends.

ofically dillusional

sound it out, and stop editing already. i will disappoint all who are present for that reason. "burn denver" has occured since the last time i offered my little secret password to 'get on in.' and wow. i guess because it was a time to intercede on behalf of denver simply because people trust that god is what/ who he says he is, i guess i souldn't be amazed. well. it has been a long time since i have mustered the itsy-bitsy bit of my heart and core that screams that god is reality, it has been a long while since ive joined with others and annouced, "so be it lord" to the land, over the people, and shouted to my stubborn will as well. yeah, yeah... than i have been working at the hotel till 9.3 pm, than of to the hospital a while later to be there till 8 am. it has been an exhausting weekend, but no less than good. no less. ok. i am going to sleep, and then perahps ill... just kidding. im not going to make plans this time around. i did stop at einstein's on the way home... and the toasted honey whole wheat bagel with honey almond smear is almost too much, in a really good way. recommended.

burn denver is soon. come.

im typing with my left hand only. my right one is assisting in consumption, a cookie with which lazee proudly took from the wrapper last night, sliced, and proceeded to bake on a pan in the oven. dough from the store... hmmm. lazee, your terrific. just a bit ago i woke to trish saying my bathroom ceiling was leaking. what? oh dear. we got a big pot, and it has since stopped.____________________beautiful. i just got hooked-up with one of the hospitals. many night shifts. this able body is going to going to get well rested and give it a go. ((next week)) ***oh, tomorrow night is denver burn. 24 hours of prayer and worship. here we go. ill bet. later. now. stopped by sox, for a moment. it was good to see missed faces once again ______read this somewhere, and found myself encouraged, "I am afriad my heart has become entangled. I have ceased to want God, ceased to give Him honor and adoration, and now I find myself peering at my reflection, quite discusted at what I see. I have turned into a worrier, a complainer, and a bit of a self-absorbed brat. I say I want to learn the hard asspects of love knowing full well that I am capable and willing to manuver about manipulativly. I say I hate Christians but what I truely despise is peering at them, and seeing my own self. I need a savior. I have a savior. Oh, Lord quiet this restless heart." ok now, im out. needing a savior this day. later all.

catch-up, one tuesday in march

this day has been glorious. i received a text this morning wishing me a "glorious day," and am happy to declare that it has been thus far. thank you, miss jenna. i took a walk to the grocery store in the sun-- i had to fax some paperwork and purchase brownie mix. but with my jeans and t-shirt, adorned with the makeshift cardigan, i was too toasty. i made it there, but on the return trip i ripped off the extra layer. i comptemplated whether i should take my shoes and socks off. alas. i did not. now, after a cool down bath and eating half a pan of brownies, i feel a bit sick in my grass green skirt and barefeet. the brownies were on sale-- two boxes of betty crocker for three dollars us-- thats beauty. so, i am sipping organic blueberry juice in attempt to counteract what is occuring in my body. im not sure if it is working. i chatted with betty and shandi on the phone this morning. can i tell you people are lovely? the interactions were wonderful and i am glad we were able to connect up again. for the past many months i have been at the restruraunt and improving my social networking, as some might say. i was still involved at sox place, and still attended scum of the earth church. i would love on the people at the restruraunt and allow them to care about and for me. it seem good. throughout this time... my anger towards christians elevated, and the bitterness towards god grew. i was tired of pursuing, i was tired of trying. so, i didn't. i still knew that god was actual. but i didn't get his love. somewhere i had forgotten that it wasn't earned. somewhere i misunderstood, or perhaps it never truely sunk in that i didn't have to "try." anyways. a colorado sweetheart sent me away. i had left the restruraunt and was in the process of typing updated resumes when a conversation with her lead to a four day mountian venture. i was to leave the next day. i did. i was quieted. i was bored. then god loved on me. i fought it. i let him. he told me stuff. i fought it. and i was quited again. and i ate shrimp cocktail and i saw new places i had never seen previously. so. that was now weeks ago. the things that i believe god spoke and reminded me of still encourage and haunt me, this day. there is a part of me that is counting the cost of actually discipleship, but there is another bit of me that simply says "just be, and let him love you." so, yeah. god. and i stepped away from scum, for the time being and sox. i need jesus. not minstry persay, or um the niceites of church. not this moment. maybe when i swallow his love deep again, probably, yes... for sure-- once i let him love me, than more love truely.
oh. art. i had this huge canvas in my room. and now it is back to being white. back to such potential. i like it. trish and i are now going on a walk down town-- only a couple miles-- and it is still beautiful out there. xxx cleaning and bills and probably another brownie await at the house.