ofically dillusional

sound it out, and stop editing already. i will disappoint all who are present for that reason. "burn denver" has occured since the last time i offered my little secret password to 'get on in.' and wow. i guess because it was a time to intercede on behalf of denver simply because people trust that god is what/ who he says he is, i guess i souldn't be amazed. well. it has been a long time since i have mustered the itsy-bitsy bit of my heart and core that screams that god is reality, it has been a long while since ive joined with others and annouced, "so be it lord" to the land, over the people, and shouted to my stubborn will as well. yeah, yeah... than i have been working at the hotel till 9.3 pm, than of to the hospital a while later to be there till 8 am. it has been an exhausting weekend, but no less than good. no less. ok. i am going to sleep, and then perahps ill... just kidding. im not going to make plans this time around. i did stop at einstein's on the way home... and the toasted honey whole wheat bagel with honey almond smear is almost too much, in a really good way. recommended.

burn denver is soon. come.

im typing with my left hand only. my right one is assisting in consumption, a cookie with which lazee proudly took from the wrapper last night, sliced, and proceeded to bake on a pan in the oven. dough from the store... hmmm. lazee, your terrific. just a bit ago i woke to trish saying my bathroom ceiling was leaking. what? oh dear. we got a big pot, and it has since stopped.____________________beautiful. i just got hooked-up with one of the hospitals. many night shifts. this able body is going to going to get well rested and give it a go. ((next week)) ***oh, tomorrow night is denver burn. 24 hours of prayer and worship. here we go. ill bet. later. now. stopped by sox, for a moment. it was good to see missed faces once again ______read this somewhere, and found myself encouraged, "I am afriad my heart has become entangled. I have ceased to want God, ceased to give Him honor and adoration, and now I find myself peering at my reflection, quite discusted at what I see. I have turned into a worrier, a complainer, and a bit of a self-absorbed brat. I say I want to learn the hard asspects of love knowing full well that I am capable and willing to manuver about manipulativly. I say I hate Christians but what I truely despise is peering at them, and seeing my own self. I need a savior. I have a savior. Oh, Lord quiet this restless heart." ok now, im out. needing a savior this day. later all.

catch-up, one tuesday in march

this day has been glorious. i received a text this morning wishing me a "glorious day," and am happy to declare that it has been thus far. thank you, miss jenna. i took a walk to the grocery store in the sun-- i had to fax some paperwork and purchase brownie mix. but with my jeans and t-shirt, adorned with the makeshift cardigan, i was too toasty. i made it there, but on the return trip i ripped off the extra layer. i comptemplated whether i should take my shoes and socks off. alas. i did not. now, after a cool down bath and eating half a pan of brownies, i feel a bit sick in my grass green skirt and barefeet. the brownies were on sale-- two boxes of betty crocker for three dollars us-- thats beauty. so, i am sipping organic blueberry juice in attempt to counteract what is occuring in my body. im not sure if it is working. i chatted with betty and shandi on the phone this morning. can i tell you people are lovely? the interactions were wonderful and i am glad we were able to connect up again. for the past many months i have been at the restruraunt and improving my social networking, as some might say. i was still involved at sox place, and still attended scum of the earth church. i would love on the people at the restruraunt and allow them to care about and for me. it seem good. throughout this time... my anger towards christians elevated, and the bitterness towards god grew. i was tired of pursuing, i was tired of trying. so, i didn't. i still knew that god was actual. but i didn't get his love. somewhere i had forgotten that it wasn't earned. somewhere i misunderstood, or perhaps it never truely sunk in that i didn't have to "try." anyways. a colorado sweetheart sent me away. i had left the restruraunt and was in the process of typing updated resumes when a conversation with her lead to a four day mountian venture. i was to leave the next day. i did. i was quieted. i was bored. then god loved on me. i fought it. i let him. he told me stuff. i fought it. and i was quited again. and i ate shrimp cocktail and i saw new places i had never seen previously. so. that was now weeks ago. the things that i believe god spoke and reminded me of still encourage and haunt me, this day. there is a part of me that is counting the cost of actually discipleship, but there is another bit of me that simply says "just be, and let him love you." so, yeah. god. and i stepped away from scum, for the time being and sox. i need jesus. not minstry persay, or um the niceites of church. not this moment. maybe when i swallow his love deep again, probably, yes... for sure-- once i let him love me, than more love truely.
oh. art. i had this huge canvas in my room. and now it is back to being white. back to such potential. i like it. trish and i are now going on a walk down town-- only a couple miles-- and it is still beautiful out there. xxx cleaning and bills and probably another brownie await at the house.