adventures as a prom spectator

this is in reference to the post immediatly prior to this one... its late. the pillow is beckoning. i can hear it. the pillow. so. i saw a lot of sparkles. and ruffles. cute couples with baby faces. akward stances. AND KIDS I USED TO BABYSIT happened to be the subjects i found myself peering at. (oh, entertainment in a small town-- i love you.) i realized they were old. the guys grew up and wore their hair shaggy-- the girls grew up and wore their hair pinned up with flowers. it was fun. but it was odd. i am growing up and i usually forget that unless i see the growth in another. old-ness. and yeah, i stood agian in the halls of boyceville high school. wow. good night. oh, and i kept getting handed cameras-- so i took pictures too. even though two of them were the one time use deals and i would have to wait a long time for the flash. smile-----------------------------hold it i think it is coming---------------SMILE--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------click and flash. beautiful.

in james taylor mode

this music makes me feel like i should be swaying and holding a lighter. maybe next time i will be moving to and fro...with a big 'ol torch. (my first saturday off since the middle of december. are you celebrating with me? please take part in this grand invitation.) it is chilly outside. i was in the cities last night-- k-mart on lake st. has incredible shoes. they are dressy and they fit my square feet, so i want to go back soonish. now i know that fancy shoes fit me... i was feeling greatly discouraged for a long while. for instance, one of the weddings that i was in, us girls were asked to wear gold strappy heels. i had to get the somewhat correct length/size and than bring them and my toes to the "shoe doctor" to have him than cut the shoes, add in a peice of material, paint it gold, and slide it back on my foot. hmm. goodness. so. yeah, fancy shoes for wide feet do exist!... it is boyceville's prom tonight. emma looked stunning. having her and her best friend run around looking for nail polish and earrings, with their lovely dresses hanging in bags up high; made me smile and brought back memories. prom '99 i went out with a big group of friends. high school kids... we at at a chinese buffet. the boys were slightly obnoxious. us girls were too. we laughed as we continued to load up another clean plate. (right now one of those coconut puff's would be amazing.) than we piled into a couple vehicles-- none of this limo stuff-- we headed somewhat--after fast corners,passing games, and 'fire drills'-- in the direction of the high school gym-- a hotel would nice, but... the gym did wonders--. prom. the memories of the evening are a bit hazy. except that i must have danced a bit too hard to 'cotten eye joe' because there was a mishap with the great abundance that i stuffed into my being earlier in the evening. that was messy. cleaned up-- and the long night got much longer. it was fun. the full hot tub later was fun as well. oh memories. anyways. tonight. i am going in to view my little sister dance in the gym. im paying to be a spectator. weird. i will most definatly feel like i am spying thoughout some part of the twenty minutes that i plan on being present-- but i am kind of looking forward to it. moving on. i am coming to terms with being in this area a while. i have started to fill in my calander for a couple months in advance with various happening are planned to take place. and i decided that i am going to buy a fishing liscense. so. yup. ill be here. at least until my scheduled plans have past. and perhaps after i have fryed a fish that i hooked. ha.

.

i love you little
i love you mighty
i wish your pajamas
were next to my nightie
now don't get excited
now don't get mislead
i mean on the clothsline
and not in the bed

(was written in 1938 in eleanor's autograph book. she was thirteen at the time.)

the nursing home. a person can learn quite a bit.

so im going to miss those people. as of today...you've got. denver. paula. mary. eleanor. babe. caroline. rose. another mary. bill. russell. herman. joe. merill. laura. jeanette. murial. yet another mary. ruth. dolly. hazel. elaine. viola. bernie. melvin. ray. betty. hilda. steph. lyda. favorite. doris. sandy. linda. one more ruth. mae. karen.

blue table clothes at work today. residents were a bit more crazy. most of my coworkers blame it on the full moon--. i think i blame it on them not being able to see the moon. anyways im done with that adventure. but i love them and yes i already kind of miss them. its different when you causually visit-- you see there are so many who struggle with memory loss and "old-timers" (according to joe) that it is just tricky.

my parents bought me some fun little goodies and left them on the stairs leading to my space. i cryed. (i think mostly out of exhaustion from the day.) it was so-- i want to say thoughtful-- but that word is tossed around lightly and doesn't really express what i desire it to... anyways. i am drinking one of wine coolers they picked up-- DELICIOUS.

i am fine. i am still dreaming and i have so many things that i want to do. i never want to stop dreaming. currently my eyes have attempted to peer at things a somewhat realistically-- i have yet to decide if it is possible.

last week a handful of people celebrated ms. dicosmo by attending a twins game. we paid general admissions to get in- $6. but after the 4th inning our row got up. one that we were with, knew someone, who knew someone... the next thing i knew we were sitting in one of the sky boxes cheering loudly as the twins came out on tippy top. surreal.

on friday i met an ant. i was laying in the grass-- by a lake-- it was chilly so actually i was wrapped up fairly tightly in a blanket-- and there he was-- or she. i don't know. is the ant civilization a maternial pologamous group? im not sure. bee colonies have the queen. do ants as well? it almost seems like they do-- but all the ants died before the plastic-ant-farm-sets were opened so i really didn't learn too much about this particular creature. ANYWAYS. i was lying there and i reached over and messed up the little mound purposefully... i can envision screaming ants from down below and a choosen brave one trudging upwards to face the mystery beast who was currently causing mad choas thoughout the coves and traces of the underworld. i smiled after several minutes of the brave ant lifting heavy grains out of the path, he/she than circled the mound numerous times looking for the intruder. i did it agian once he/she went back down, but he/she never came back up. maybe i crushed the brave one? i didn't mean to... maybe he/she still alive? probably. once i had a pet ant. it was big-ish and very black. i named it but i can't remember the name. i killed him. i didn't know what ants ate so i drowned it in sugar water. i was only trying to feed it. i might have been 11-- im not sure. enough ant stories for one day. i had a pet fly too. i kept him in a jar. i killed him too. but how about you pretend i didn't really announce that youthful tale because it is pretty gross. but it is true. which makes it funny. which gives me somewhat of a reason not to delete this entry... or maybe next time it'll be gone. and you will be fighting with various illusions for a long time. we'll see.

ok. i am leaving.

little green buds, jeremiah, and great phone messages...

so... i like www.craigslist.com-- yes, sir; i do.
*i drove up a large-ish hill today and saw the bright greens smuged within the branches of brown-- the sight was beautiful. it makes me want a camera. (i had one, but i loaned it out and im not really sure who's hands it has currently found itself in. my only wish is that it is still continuing to point and shoot worthwhile images.) *im reading jeremiah. the one in the bible. about jeremiah. (aren't the titles of the books of the bible unique. guess god doesn't need to reel in an audience by a catchy couple of words.) he's a prophet. i like him. i like how he tells god how it is... and than how god tells jereimah whats up too. i like how justice is called for and that the story reveals that god sometimes just doesn't put up with our crap-- but he loves us so much-- and that is why sometimes when he says enough, ENOUGH truly is what he means. im not done with it--"jeremiah." *amber leaves thee best phone messages. she is my older sister. she lives in boston. no one was around over the weekend but she called and chatted with the machine as if we were all present-- then the machine cut her off-- and she continue just where she previously left off-- then it cut her off agian-- and still she continued with her story. i laughed hard for a long time. and then i listened to it agian, and laughed some more. *next weekend is my last at the nursing home. it is time. that is all i have to say about that at this time. *little girls nighties would make amazing adult tee-shirts, ive decided. now im looking for nighties that don't scream 'princess' or 'brat' wish me good hunting. *and today is my parents aniversary. it makes me want to sing an obnoxious song-- i really don't know why. whatever. it has been such an oppurtunity to watch a marriage. to witness individuals determined. without revealing their detailed personal stories of god's transformation within their marriage-- i will only declare that marriage-- the way it was and is meant to occur-- i believe is possible. hard work: commitment to growth, commitment to learning, commitment to communication, and commitment to having fun. there is more. but im not married, so i feel i am not a very credible source. but, ahh, if you have questions or comments i could, perhaps pass you on to karen and jim. happy 30 years together. *happy birthday YOU. you know who you are. your birthday is today. and i usually forget birthdays. but not yours. 4.19, a day of celebrations. *welcome joseph ratzinger aka pope benedict XVI. *bye. (verbally, that would sound rather monotone.)

an adult deadline

my taxes are in the mail. i am exhausted. (next year ill do them in january. maybe.)

amelia

its a nice name. right this moment, i would like to be her... and than the moment is up. i see that i been given a different name for this time, one for this planet-- and im ok with it. god is working in me. it is a hard part. it is me wondering a lot more about him than i ever have before. it is this little girl trying to hold onto truth, when truth is being questioned from every known angle-- and several made-up ones. i don't beg for encouragement. prayer is needed-- but i will not plead for your knees to hit the floor for my-well-being. frankly, i don't want well-being. it is kind of like apple crisp for every meal. it might taste wonderful for every meal- but really, overtime, it is doing scary stuff to your body... a summoning goes out agian and still throughout the lands, throughout the nations-- for persons to come hungry before a living holy god. guys, i stand: dusty face with tear trails. my legs are beginning to feel the weight of the skin and muscle and tendons and bones-- seperatly and distincinly. so what does it look like to know jesus so intimatly to not be able to go an hour, ten min.s, five min.s without hearing a whisper from him, or receiving a look offered by him. presently, i can probably go for quite a while without really seemingly needing god... because when i turn on the faucet- water gushes out, when i turn the key in the ignition- my car starts, and- oh yes, when i sit down- the chair doesn't break. there is food in the fridge, and blankets on my bed, heck- i could walk out of my job tomarrow and be on plane to europe to start a new life and you know when i go to the airport i just have to flash the visa and the passport... so, god. oh yeah, so god. god is beyond. unimagianable reality. that is what he is-- that is who he is-- and that is what he is about. calling forth persons who have never known love, and loving them-- loving us. and what that the ____ is that all about?! i don't really know. im just kind of learning. and taking little nibbles, because its pretty darn tastey. wanna bite? (p.s. soy candles are amazing. this one is supposed to smell like 'meadow.' like a soy meadow...sheesh.)

untitled

The ladybugs are attacking. They are gross. They aren’t even real ladybugs. You all should know this…I am not going into detail. I just blew one of the computer mouse. You’re right I probably should have gotten up and smooched it into a Kleenex than washed my hands and returned to the keyboard, but I only used lung effort brought to the control point, my mouth- to get the tiny creature and his stinky self far away from my sight… the other day when I went running, I wanted to go through this field. Not even 30ft on the bumpy terrain, alongside left-over corn stalks and my nose identified the scent. Pretend ladybugs-- I could smell them-- this nose does not lie. Gross. So I turned around and continued the jaunt on the road. Now they are next to me and Im not very appreciative.______________

My parents went on a date this evening. Its good. Its cute. They kind of remind me of teenagers.________

Emma and dad actually just left to go and look at a car for her. It sounds like a great deal, and what she is able to afford for this time. She is still pretty stiff from over the weekend, but is defiantly returning to her “normal self;” quick sharp wit included._______________

Shandi and I got pedicures done. Pretty toes. (My feet are way ticklish though and the little lady who got really close to them-- threatened that I would have to stop moving them or they wouldn't get painted. Oh dear. I held my leg down. It was ridiculous- and Shandi laugh at me. ((Oh and this amazing person knows cool little shops. She took me to this great place. Your eyes kind of hurt when you get out, because of all the stuff you want to peer at... Well, of course I forgot what it was called. I can totally discribe the atmosphere, and if you really want to know after my ravings- that could most definatly continue, ask me later. I might remember, or I might look into getting the answer to you. You will want to go.))______________________
501 E. 36th St., so long. So long, late nights of cheap drinks from cub and mindless chatter. So long, smirking neighbors with heavy accents. So long, free white hot coca with mint- I liked you. So long, tin man-- your face and dream will not be forgotten. So long, bridge-- my fingers yearned for the moments when I could pace you, and they could run themselves through your fencing until they were numb. So long, familiar faces at the library. So long, ice cream truck-- drive slower, you didn’t give us time to collect our quarters. So long, Beau and wife and baby. So long, Picasso. So long, Bartholomew. So long, little boys with dirty feet who would play on the clothesline. So long, Mary-- I treasure McDonalds ice cream and gay doctors’ houses because of you. So long, Purity building-- you know I wanted you, you with the blue lights beckoning every night out those huge windows. So long. The lease is up. I am no longer paying that commitment. I didn’t write out my check reluctantly month by month for the past bit-- no, because I would venture up and give and receive hugs and usually encounter the above list plus the beautiful faces of those two women who I was lucky enough to room with for a period, and it was still considered home to me. Another home. But now I just say bye, because: soon I will be asked to turn over my key. The wooden floors in apartment 2 will be walked upon, sat upon, danced upon, and lounged upon by another. ((just have to go and find Malachi (thee best glass head in the whole wide world) and the white paint and a few random books I left for storage, the rest of the stuff I'll bring back later ))______________

Hearing. Attempting to listen well. And determining what individuals are truly speaking. These are strung-together words that have really got to me lately. *I do not wish to treat friendships daintily, but with roughest courage. When they are real, they are not glass threads or frostworks, but the solidest things we know. R.W.E. *The chief enemy of creativity is good taste. P.P. *I haven’t done this life thing before. S.O. *Where the hell are the light bulbs? G.M.______________

That’s all folks.

a wink and a smile

"we go together like a wink and a smile"-- the song from sleepless in seattle that is now programed to 'repeat' on the player in my mind.

emma got in a bad car wreck over the weekend. she hit a big cement thing in the ditch right above a stream. the car she was driving is totally smashed up, and by the looks of the vehicle everyone has been in awe at the fact that she walked away from it. she was taken to the e.r. and had a catscan done, as well, as a bunch of face and neck x-rays. she is in so much pain. they have her on vicadon- however you spell that one. (i only know that this medication is way strong because we give it to the residents at the nh.) so, um yeah. know that. my little sister hurts (OOO).

before the wreck...the other night... my dad and i were chatting. he told me that the only thing he feared was physical pain on earth. we talked a bit more. now it makes me wonder. what things may we do if physical pain were not felt-- if pain were not feared-- if pain were not known--.

so this night, still being somewhat exhausted from the time change, (hi, mr. golden sun.) i decided to plop down in front of the tv and watch sleepless in seattle with my old, wise parents and my brusied up sister. what a movie. it is good. totally predictable, but good. the script pulls out any lonely feelings a person my have encountered within the last year, or week, or day-- puts the emotions in a nice little pile and causes the viewer to relate to the characters that are being protrayed on the screen. its this way with all movies- to an extent- just different emotions and expeirences are called in for relatabilty. sleepless in seattle. yup. its good.

THIS. wow. maybe?

((look at the site!))
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i went hiking this morning. early. be proud of me. (leaving the warm covers... eventually worth it.) the company: wonderful. you make me laugh.
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coffee at applebee's. not spectacular...well, we weren't hungry. dessert that made us sick. different company: wonderful. you make me smile r e a l l y BIG.
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and i found out i have to get my tooth pulled. but i didn't have the $ today so they couldn't do it. i was a bit upset. teeth are expensive. ripping one out shouldn't cost anything. maybe i should work to tie my sad broken wisdom tooth on to a capable peice of string...then on to a door-knob...then offer five bucks to whoever can slam the door hard enough to actually get the tooth out. i will think more about my options. meanwhile i expect you to start lining up to provide your limb's speed and muscle strength. come on. don't even tell me you'll pass on five bucks. i might scream, and be a bloody mess, and want to punch you afterwards but when the swelling goes down you can expect five dollars and a thank you note, and the tooth as a token of my appreciation...