tomarrow.

i am moving. and it shall be lovely. i think. i hope. i ordered checks today-- mostly because i only have two left and i shouldn't have let my supply get that low. talked to wells fargo nate. his voice was nice. perhaps, it was because he was attempting to talk me into mortage. i gently turned the man down. so, i am at the elementary. april made me a bracelett-- it's beautiful. saw the holidazzle last night with Tyler, Andy, Shandi, D, and Emma. it was nice. super nice. And i ate cold stone for the very first time... that topped the evening. (((i am not done packing. but i might be soon.))) tonight: the hp mtg. sweatpants will be seen. ***xo***

joe bayly

"Psalm of Single-Mindedness"
Lord of reality, make me real,...not plastic, synthetic, pretend, phony,...an actor playing out his part – a hypocrite.
I don’t want to keep a prayer list...but to pray,
Nor agonize to find Your will...but to obey what I already know,
I don’t want to argue theories of inspiration...but to submit to Your Word.
I don’t want to explain the difference between eros and philos and agape...but to love.
I don’t want to sing as if I mean it...I want to mean it.
I don’t want to tell it like it is...but to be like You want it.
I don’t want to tell others how to do it...but to do it;
I don’t want to have to be always right...but to admit it when I’m wrong.
I don’t want to be a census taker...but an obstetrician
Nor an involved person, a professional...but a friend.
I don’t want to be insensitive...but to hurt where other people hurt
Nor to say “I know how you feel”...but to say, “God knows”...and “I’ll try if you’ll be patient with me”...and meanwhile I’ll be quiet.
I don’t want to scorn the clichés of others...but to mean everything I say – Including this.
“And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ.” (Philippians 1:9-10)
from “Psalms of My Life” by Joseph Bayly.

written awhile ago.

the following is a letter to a dear friend of mine. i stumbled acrossed it last night- yes, it was still in my possesion and never sent. anyways. i am posting it. maybe it's because i am finally coming out from under a cloud? maybe it is because i was challanged last night? maybe it is because, i like to pretend like i understand things that i really truely don't and this note captures my being in a state of vulnabilty that i forget so often about... here goes. "Hi.__I hope you are well.__I finally got my hands on the Tozer book, 'Born After Midnight,' that was recommended to me awhile ago. This book, as well as, other factors are contributing to the state that I currently am in. I will try to outline it to you in ways that I know how...__I have been under amazing conviction. It steams from the idea of God being reality. If the Bible is true, than God is real-- than I am able no longer to rub my pocket gennie jesus, or issue less than upmost respect for this Holy, Holy stranger of some church services. It is not a game. And I find myself sitting here, somewhat uncomfortable- no, really uncomfortable... because the only part of me that knows truths is the stuborn, locked part of my soul that trembles knowing that it has stepped onto holy ground 'while the rational thinking part is unwilling to remove it's shoes in humility.'__I stopped attending the church that I grew up in. I am tired of the games. Not tired... frustrated, angery, starving for community of the saints, and to splash in the deep pools of truth that only one little part of my soul knows-- the part that is not ashamed, nor afraid, the part that is willing to forego reputational stigma, and is willing and longing for the rest of my being's eyes to be opened fully to the truth that so patiently awaits, the part that doesn't give up hoping for God to be God.__I don't know. If the Bible is real... If God is actual... Than there is a lot more responsibility... Christianity is so much more than a relationship between lovers, it is a job description that I have been asked to do with excellence- and not just that... it requires faith again and again in one other than myself. I don't know.__And the Jesus that I am sort of encountering more of these days is sure as hell (if hell is actual) NOT the Jesus of 'nice religious music,' or the one who would approve of a 5 min. daily scripture fix to seal the way to heaven-- maybe I am wrong. Maybe the Bible is not true. Maybe Jesus can be simply another conserative opinion. Maybe Jesus would agree with everything the clerks say at Northwestern bookstores, and maybe he'd really like the cheesey pop radio stations that say his name every other sentence, and perhaps, he'd be a Bush supporter all the way. Maybe he'd hang out with the popular kids, and adults. Perhaps he would be neat and tidy and wear a suit and drive a new hybrid car. Maybe he would sit on plush seats in church and sip his coffee from Starbucks. Yeah.__So. I am finding truth. Not cheesey religious crap. I can no longer say 'I love Jesus,' but listen to the soothing lies of the enemy. I must hear that one small raging part in my soul. I must really hear it. I believe it. Because something says it is the only way... something says that it is his voice, though it is so very contray to what would seem calculated and poportional and reasonable for this time, or really anytime.__I am not a fanatic. I just want to know truth, and give it the credit and honor that it (he) is due.__There you have it. Current state.__I can't deny Jesus. I can't. But yes, I do it everytime I fail to offer respect to his actual identity.__I wonder what tomarrow will hold?__jas"