end all choice.

as a disclaimer alone, i long to be honest with the 'unseen audience' that is currently gathered around their own personalized screen. ((you dear individuals.)) i have dealt with quite a bit of death thus far in my life. not massive amounts, i am far from be a dealing-with-grief-expert. evenso, the dog dying in second grade was seemingly only a warm up session for my young body. i graduated high school with 62 other students. the number could have been higher. nearly every other year a classmate died within my class. my dear friends. then, relatives passed away along the way. then, community members breathed their last. grief started with a pet. i suppose for many of us it does. after high school, my best friend with whom attended both my 1st grade birthday party, and we exchanged waves from across the way two days before i received news of her death over the disbeiving voice on the phone's reciever. she had commited suicide. there are more tales. benjamin, the squirrel we raised for a summer. my crazy, awesome grandpa who used to sit on me when i wouldn't get him the newspaper. the accident in russia, where i wasn't thinking what-so-ever and stood and allowed the camera's flash to illuminate to hurt of another. ms. alice, she pulled my hair, bit me, and encouraged me like little can compare to as she whispered truth treasures hours before her time. more and more stories, and they continue, as the will to live questions us each, everyday... and multiple times a day, if indeed, one is introspective in his day's journey. this week. two youth group kids from home were in an accident. one, hospitalized. one, died. a massive heart, a laughter that draws, a lover of the lover not on this marblized planet any longer. only hours ago, i sat on suicide watch for one no longer waiting to devote to the high and lows and evened-out plains of life. **enough with the disclaimer already. END ALL CHOICE. the hours, the moments. some long to live, some long to not. driving choices. driving potential. some are drenched in seemingly tourture and immense pain alone. some are tangled. some hurt. some are dizzied by freedom and overwhelmed by oppurtunity. some are direction-less. some are hopeful. some are hopeless. some are stangers within families. some make families of strangers. the messiness of this world. the changing of my emotions and my intake of situations, the changing tides of your own. some are faithful. some faithless. some, somewhere inbetween, an everchaging variable. ceasing. i long for my eyes to be opened, for my heart to be increasingly tenderized, for weeping; pain induced and joy evoked. i wish for peace and stillness in the choas. with a raging scream for only great love to sweep the moments of awakeness. for my very self, and your very core. may the marrow in our bones yearn only for ligaments and vessel veins and flesh that is coated in raw love. whatever that may look like.