((welcome to the evening's Long Blog. the title was meant to forewarn of length alone.))
*I CAN not continue any longer down this path that I have been trudgging.
*Dry are my eyes. They crave tears. My heart is on the verge of being broken. I cling for control and yet that is what must be lost.
*His name is freedom. My eye are fixated upon his and I can not help but lust. I have grown up to understand that lust is a wrong act. Something by which I must run from. This attraction is not impure, this attraction I feel has been motivated by the very one who enables me to breath. Freedom simply lives. I long for that.
*I laughed at the girls who envied her. She was my friend. I loved her. I had reason to envy her. But it is hard to truly love someone and truly envy someone at the same time. Believe me, I tried.
*"Tell the story." A voice echoed within my hurting body. I grasped to unearth the words that did not naturally flow from the depths of my existance. I dug to capture my raw emotional insight, but my mind remained clouded and in pain. The thoughts could not be roped to be put on display at moments notice.
__________I am not sure when I wrote that. I just found the words that were strung together hidden away electronically… As for my voice tonight; here goes. The week has been busy. Quite. I have really enjoyed most parts of it though tonight I am exhausted and my reflection looks tired. The shift I work at present is from 5:30 am until 2:00 pm. It has been a good change from my typical afternoon and evening shifts. It has been neat to see the new day peeking out from the edge of darkness. I like getting off at 2:00 and knowing that there was a period in my life that I didn’t even get dressed for the day until the clock read pm of some sort. It has been nice.___ I had a crazy overload of evening plans this past week. It seems that my new availability times have been taken advantage of, in a good way. Conversations were laced with vulnerability. Laughter was found in an atmosphere of trust. And sarcasm lingered slightly. Details withheld. If you really want to know I will inform. But, perhaps you don’t and yeah… I am not in the mood to write them out if you don’t really want to hear. ENOUGH. Good times with old friends and new friends and ducks.___________My lovely friend, Shandi, was brave enough to confront me about some things about myself that I did not see. I have wanted to pick up and get-out-of-town for a long while. I have been antsy. She enlighten me about my relationship tendencies: great with interactions with strangers, bad at the bridge from acquaintances to friends, loyal with those whom are choosen companions. In other words, I have a lot of "friends" but few whom I truly consider my FRIEND, persons I am able to just BE while I am in their presence. So, it takes me a long time to make these FRIENDs. …therefore… if I run far, my network will not be as near as it is at present. (…but I have these sorts of FRIENDs throughout this nation and others… hmmm. Maybe Shandi just wants me around physically a bit longer. Ha.)_______I was supposed to go to a fish fry tonight with Christa, whom I met while I was working at the shop. We are going to do it next week hopefully because of exhaustion it is not happening this eve… The pictures down below are of my last day at the shop. They all wrote little notes on a blanket and the break table’s room was filled with flowers and gifts (those incredible velcro shoes!) and food. Anyways. I have been up to visit and it has been good. Tough to leave. Time to leave. Tonight when Christa and I chatted on the phone—it seemed as if I worked there yesterday._________Plans. I don’t know. I am realizing finally that it is ok to not know. So, yeah—I still have new ideas and new inklings every other day. I will need to choose and just go after that, in a bit—but tonight, I think it is ok to not really know. Tomorrow will take care of it’s self, eh? I think I have heard that somewhere._________ My parents were just informed recently that they could go to Sudan to work with a missionary from my uncle’s church if they are interested. So, new things are unfolding. We’ll see. ________Emma is planning on heading to UW Superior to study Art Therapy on Tuesday. I think she should join a sorority.___ I actually just got done on the phone with Amber. She knows hot guys I could make out with but not to have a crush on because they are flaky. Next time I get to Boston, I’ll just meet them. Funny. Anyways. She is good. Her birthday is really soon. Thee forth. I like her a lot. Not just because I am supposed to like her/ love her—nope. I actually really enjoy her and I wish I could attend the-movie-viewing-through-the-projector-while-I-am-in-a-plastic-lawn-chair-arranged-in-the-back-yard-of-one-of-her-friend’s-place with her…that would be nice. But instead I am typing a really long blog, and I am writing you—whomever you are. Do you want to tell me who you are? I am leaving. Nowish. Until next time.
-***-, I forgot that this computer is unable to connect up with the scanner. No ALCO pictures it seems. It is like a movie. Little shops with vests and tags and highschoolers and old people. It could totally be a movie. Emma and I think so.
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