imagine everyone in their underpants

recently, i have thought about vanity and the idea of being vain quite a bit. the words to me have negative connotations. and yet, i would hope the individual that is speaking to me had proper oral hygiene. i like to hug people, but yes, i have gotten a little bit of a turned-up nose in my heart, when i smell the person even prior to embracing them; not in a oh-my-goodness-i-love-the-colonge/perfume-way either. have you?

thing is, on the flip side: ...i had some good medical spa friends of mine do some laser resurfacing on my face for acne scars. ...and, um, i sleep with my mouth part way open so the bottom half of both of my front two teeth are extra white, where the top half is 'normal' white; so my dentist recommends teeth whitening if i want to see a change. ...i care about my weight and secretly wonder if individuals that are larger just don't; i seem to forget that i have extremely high metabolism.

the scary thing is, the change to caring about the way people view me, and caring about the way i am accepted seemed to come so gradually that i barely noticed it. or, maybe did not notice it at all.

i remember the day in college that my roommate had me try on a pair of her jeans. never had i wore jeans that tight before. (apparently, they weren't even that tight...) immediately, i began getting comments from the girls that were present to the impromptu 'fashion show.' 'Look at your hot butt!' 'I never knew you had such a cute body!' suddenly, i was affirmed in areas i didn't know i needed affirming in. and, so seemed to begin the journey. i was the country girl who ran barefoot and had creativity and resourcefulness valued in her family over trends and keeping up with the jones. i had a lot to learn. apparently, 'cool' could get you pretty sweet status ranking.

so, i submitted to some things over the years. 'jas, your arms are super hairy and may i pluck your eyebrows?' ha. sure. if anyone wanted to do their beauty treatments on me, so be it; i didn't mind it being 'all about me,' even if you are turning me into your project and the best before-and-after shots you have had yet! and little, by little, i began to value and esteem myself according to the 'after procedure' comments of well-meaning, and well-loving people, rather than god's voice solely. p.s. his voice hasn't changed about my beauty (or your beauty for that matter). he doesn't really look at that stuff. ...though, i do wonder, if i would have been listening... if his voice of warning would have spoken 'just remember that it all fades and it really doesn't matter, but how is your heart, are you well? i love seeming you be delighted, and joy that seeps... but find where that joy is coming from. is it rushing from everlasting areas deep within your character--or not? i love you daughter, friend, child, follower, bride- i created you well. just be reminded, when you forget. i am with you.'

i absolutely understand that vanity is a cultural thing. and, 'beauty' is a women's issue a little more than men, per lots of sources--but it is still a universal dealing. and... beauty is in the eye of the beholder... yadda, yadda, yadda. what i fear, it that i was boiled without knowing it. see, i didn't care about oral hygiene of others as much as i do now, or whether someone smells decent-according-to-me or not. call me naive, i was. call me innocent, i was. and i loved people, period--i truly did. now, i make snap judgements based on hair style, and sunglasses.

oh, god knows. we chat. but this is a big deal, im thinking. remember nakedness in the garden of eden--there is something about seeing past people's outer layers; facades, attire... ha. maybe it really is like what our friend told us in high school prior to the midterm presentation, 'imagine everyone in their underpants, it helps.'

thoughts? comments? hmm...

live well. x.