butterflys, crocodiles, heart, smile, me

do you know what im refering to? anyways, im done. i throw in the stinky towel. i am stick of "trying," im sick of "pleasing," im sick if being silent while really having something that should be said-- but i am scared... i have been scared to be me. so i haven't. now i am still a bit scared, but whatever-- could someone please give me a real reason to live timid, or are they all ways of complacency and sneaky-almost-believable lies? im a doing well. possibilities are turning into realities--and i don't mean that in a super vauge way, only a slightly vauge one. so, if you don't know me this week. know these parts of me now. *i wear a pink hoodie with paint marbled on it. it looks like an accident--. it keeps me warm a lot. *i have been looking into master's programs. i still really want to work with kids who don't quite realize their potential. i want to love on orphans and street kids. i want to hold the hands of an individuals who only know comfort from the affects of an open glue bottle. missions work is a must but than sometimes implimenting change throughout other sources calls for education a different way. so with my youth/ social science degree i trot on. im listening for direction-- let me know if you hear any that has my name on it. *i am learning about God's passion. i am learning that he is relentless. i am learning that he is the absolute example of perserverance. *i have an interview on thursday for an overnight stocking position. i hope it will allow a better time to write, with more locations to explore and exhaust. i am excited. the guy sounded great over the phone. i think he wants me to "join the team." *i have been in contact with relevant magazine. *i have decided that i like squash more than sweet potatoes. sweet potatoes used to be my favorite... does it really matter what my favorite "whatever" is? does it truely matter where i stand on particular issues. it doesn't. it really, actually does not. but the point is i am now more so ok with stating in a normal tone rather than a whisper directed to you, while i am in the other room and you are distracted and the conversation has moved on--- i know you will not hear than. but now you may. if you ask. and sometimes if you don't ask. because he gave me a heart, and he gave me a smile, he gave me jesus, and he made me his child... and i just the thank you, father, for making me, me.--- a question that still must be asked of myself: are you being you? not trying. simply being.-- fare thee well. ((all this and we aren't even to the hump of the week.))

oh memorial wked

my sister graduated on friday. the kerstings say "farewell" to the boyceville school district. nice. ((i received a hug from my third grade teacher, and senor cornered me, asking why i did not call him when i lived in the cities-- as he also resides there. and emily erin's eyes sparkled thoughout the evening.)) than. culinary artist and traveling religion teacher--happy-happy-one-yr-older and myself went to the cottage. across wisconsin. on a lake. our destination- relaxation. (it was my great grandpa's place and we just have kept it in the family. let me know if you ever want to rent it out. cheap rates.) we chatted. 'why are some topics seemingly unacceptable to discuss in christian "circles," what is the reason' the car ride continued. wonderful. yet very late. i was a little sick of driving, and i perfer to drive at night-- this was bad. going along through the quant tourist-y town very close to our home for a handful of hours. i glanced in the rear view and saw the colors spiraling. right curb, lets get together. ok. this has happened before. DL, dig the thing out. the lady cop came over to the passangers side and her bright light caused my eyes to become fixated. "hello, you seem a bit dazed." WHAT? (later my culinary arist friend said- 'who won't be seemingly dazed at four in the morning with a flashlight pointed in their face?' i forever agree. anyways i have to fix my right headlight because its out. and i have to send the sheet back to her because otherwise she'll make me pay. oh police don't threaten. it is late. and i haven't been drinking. so i may be moreso coordinated with the karate that i learned in 9th grade.... we got there and it was really great. fun people to be with. fun boat to be in. fun candy to eat. home agian. it was a quick deal, but it was very much worth the hours away. we got stopped by a male cop on the way home because my back right blinker is out, and the license plate on the front is still off. car maintance i will now focus on you, since it seems others know of our little time spent together. i am sorry to you, ms. blackberry. i am sorry you have felt neglected- i honestly did not know the full extent of how you were presenting yourself to the public... im glad im not a police person. im glad im not working with my badge on memorial weekend. now im off and going out. i have a headache. my parents are staining some of the wood flooring in the house and it is rather strong. or maybe my head is in pain from the lengthy drive. out to walk in the sun in my sundress. it is summer, you know.

evening thusday: hello from Billy.

((b. joel *vienna))

Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

early thursday. hello New Day.

people. friendships are hard. this evening i said "no" to one that i used to say "yes" to. it was hard. im not good at saying "no," if fact, i'd much rather say "yes." people. relationships are hard. a couple days ago i reconnected with a man where there used to be 'a bit of something going on between our interactions,' and it was good to reconnect, but it was hard. people. i like getting to know individuals, but than it starts getting really risky when they start getting to know you..... bedtime is past due. hopefully, you are dreaming with your eyes shut in this time zone- and dreaming with eyes open if you are in europe or asia right now. live your dreams. enjoy thusday. alrighty, bye then.

partial credit: endorphins

I went running when I returned from the place where I usually head off to on weekdays. I opted to conquer a hill-ier route… but the last time I actually went out with the purpose off working up a sweat was quite some time ago--- so I huffed along. Passing the trilliums, which spread themselves throughout the ditches and back into the trees in way that seemed to beckon any passerby. They are the same wildflowers which caused my nose to drink deeply of their sweetness. (By the way trilliums are WI’s flower so supposedly it is illegal to pick them-- however, the wooded nature of much the state’s landscape makes the rule rather ridiculous. So, of course we have them in vases and jars throughout the house. It would probably be more so ridiculous if we did not cease this opportunity.) Spotting my very favorite weed, throwing out it’s yellow flare, I ran on. Over gravel, and sand, and worn down black top. I trudged up the hills, spitting was minimum. I went on. Than I stopped. I walked to the middle of the road, and I just stood there. (Yes… the back, back roads.) My mind was full. My heart, the same. I looked down the black-topped-path-made-for-heavy-wheels in both directions. “I was standing in the middle of the road. Thee middle.” It wasn’t very crazy, because I seemed not to be in midst of raging traffic- but it was wonderful, so I stood their longer. I walked into the woods. There was a horizon that I could see. I wanted to know what was beyond it. Intrigue overtook my set task. I was now heading off in yet another direction- one I did not originally set out to take. Walking through the tall grasses, and the short may flowers. Stepping over the fallen branches and crouching to make a pass under the fairy bridge. I went up. I ran through some nettles and yes, they stung pretty bad--- but oh my gosh, when I arrived to my new chosen designation… it was amazing. I looked about in every direction that I could and old, known images, in totally new angles and perspectives and locations enticed me. I circled about, and I sang. And I just was. I sat and I looked really closely one moment-- and than I peer out and attempted to blob my surrounding in like a vague cartoon-ish sketch………… There were more horizons. In every direction. Oh, how I longed to walk them all. To race to the edge of each, and to peer- and see- and know. Know what I didn’t know yet.----------- Now, I am typing. Some of my thoughts show up in word form on a screen. I am having a what-really-matters-? moment. I am involved in a God-is-so-big, and-I-don’t-really-understand-him-! hour. I am sitting in a time of peace-that-surpasses, and-even-still-I throw-in-my-two-cents-comments. ((I really like to just play. And today, instead of the predetermined run… I actually just got to play. Maybe I will start jumping on my bed every night. Maybe I will put aside the thought of having to replace springs. Maybe I will just jump already, or twirl, or giggle, or draw with the juices of a smashed bug or a smashed flower, or go barefoot- and wiggle my toes deliberately. Maybe I will really look at the creator‘s pieces of nothing-short-of-amazing art, while I wiggle my toes. Maybe.))

a conversion chart and "writer's block"

i took the scuzzy conversion chart of of the cutting table a while ago, because i was sick of the scuzziness. .25=1/4, .5=2/4=1/2, .75=3/4, .33=1/3, .66=2/3... and it went on. the original sheet was tossed-- though not on purpose... as i recall... i usually cut the fabric, however; there are times that the little old ladies come when im at lunch or gone for the day. what can i say? sorry? im not. my coworkers are a bit ticked though because i keep forgetting to make up another conversion chart. i finally taped a sheet with only the quarter increments on it in attempts to ward them off. i guess they get really nervous when their name is announced over the intercom and directs them engage in a conversation concerning grandchildren and percentages of cotton-- fractions are tricky to figure when you are under so much pressure. tonight. that's my homework.**



typically i think the excuse of writer's block is lame. dumb and lame and nothing else. but now im expeirincing it and i kind of just want some sympathy. so now im being lame. writers block doesn't really exist, i thought... it is simply reason to offer when the writer has a less than a motivational drive-- so i thought. so what is it when the mind suddenly goes blank on what one's been working on? maybe its not blockage, possibaly it is the body's way to protect the imagianation and functioning brain from going into overdrive, which eventually could lead to some sort of harm. i have no idea what im taking about. maybe i will now go back to the word processor and type in a place that corrects my spelling and capitalizes my "i's" automatically. maybe my thoughts will come together more apropriatly. word processor project im coming back to you-- whether you want me to or not.**



stawberry tea is pretty good.

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