butterflys, crocodiles, heart, smile, me

do you know what im refering to? anyways, im done. i throw in the stinky towel. i am stick of "trying," im sick of "pleasing," im sick if being silent while really having something that should be said-- but i am scared... i have been scared to be me. so i haven't. now i am still a bit scared, but whatever-- could someone please give me a real reason to live timid, or are they all ways of complacency and sneaky-almost-believable lies? im a doing well. possibilities are turning into realities--and i don't mean that in a super vauge way, only a slightly vauge one. so, if you don't know me this week. know these parts of me now. *i wear a pink hoodie with paint marbled on it. it looks like an accident--. it keeps me warm a lot. *i have been looking into master's programs. i still really want to work with kids who don't quite realize their potential. i want to love on orphans and street kids. i want to hold the hands of an individuals who only know comfort from the affects of an open glue bottle. missions work is a must but than sometimes implimenting change throughout other sources calls for education a different way. so with my youth/ social science degree i trot on. im listening for direction-- let me know if you hear any that has my name on it. *i am learning about God's passion. i am learning that he is relentless. i am learning that he is the absolute example of perserverance. *i have an interview on thursday for an overnight stocking position. i hope it will allow a better time to write, with more locations to explore and exhaust. i am excited. the guy sounded great over the phone. i think he wants me to "join the team." *i have been in contact with relevant magazine. *i have decided that i like squash more than sweet potatoes. sweet potatoes used to be my favorite... does it really matter what my favorite "whatever" is? does it truely matter where i stand on particular issues. it doesn't. it really, actually does not. but the point is i am now more so ok with stating in a normal tone rather than a whisper directed to you, while i am in the other room and you are distracted and the conversation has moved on--- i know you will not hear than. but now you may. if you ask. and sometimes if you don't ask. because he gave me a heart, and he gave me a smile, he gave me jesus, and he made me his child... and i just the thank you, father, for making me, me.--- a question that still must be asked of myself: are you being you? not trying. simply being.-- fare thee well. ((all this and we aren't even to the hump of the week.))