pause?

i like to think that i am fairly adventurous. im not. i would like to think that i am fairly risky. im not. i would like others to see me through the image that i want them to see me in, not the way i really am. (im spontanious. but in a safe sort of way. im not boring. i just really want to know what im getting into. i think i think too much. shoot. yeah.)

the original intentions to moving back home were to write about this stuff with sarah. life has not gone as planned. i am learning more "lessons" than i ever thought i signed up for-- yet, for some reason i still plead to god that he would reveal to me new things. strange, stretching, holy things. to demand growth within my body.

life.

so, mom my was praying for me last night. and during a silent bit, a picture came to me. it was like this grand adventure was taking place on a tv screen. i was within the dramatic unfolding of this adventure. but suddenly i was standing away from the television set, holding the remote. i was on the screen, but i was also standing with the remote in my hand. i had the control. it was like god was saying i could push play at anytime... i told this to my mom. she asked me if i was willing to press play. i told her that i wanted to. but i was so terrified. its like i know that god is good. i know it. but, i want to know the details that i would be agreeing to by releasing the pause button. i know the ending... and the ending is all fine and dandy. but what about those middle parts? what about not knowing where i will work, or if i will married, or if i get out of the u.s.? what about money? which way do i turn next? what about the people i will encounter? how do i love them? how will i know? what will i say? will i have a house? will i live under the shade of a tent? is english going to be the only language i am going to speak? i don't want to screw it up... it isn't about me. the story isn't about me. i feel like a movie extra that is simply paranoid about tripping when she is just called to saunter across the stage and be seen. its like i would rather read the entire script before allowing the producers to cut and tape the shot that i was called in for. its like i so despartly want to read that script but, they won't let me-- because we have this silly director who keeps going back to the "drawing table" when an new actor/ or extra/ or bug! crawls on the set. yeah. anyways. so i think i have to press play. whatever that means. and try to trust. just try it. because he is good. and i do really know it. (it makes me wonder what is going to happen at the shop tomarrow... there i go. thinking, thinking, thinking. just stop.)