consistency

__it is hard.--i read my journal entry from the first day that i moved back to wisconsin... it goes: question, question, question, slight pondering, question, "ok, yeah, i need discipline and consistency"
L I F E
aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
(got that?)

i sort of wish i could join up with a mission's trip, or discipleship program, or go back to the small private christian college, or even be more accountable with friends and family: but i can't. its like i know how to cover it up so well that there is no point any longer... i am reminded that i am accountable to one that sees and knows all of it already. a character work out i guess is what it is deemed. im bad at everyday living.
doing the laudry, keeping track of money, eating so my body thrives, truely loving people, caring about the world and the nation that i get to be a part of... i hit the snooze so much, and i come up with dumb desparate excuses for not doing what i know i ought to do. (now i sound like that one bible verse i wish i could rip out sometimes-- right now is one of those times.)
-- for real i am doing good. i am just scared of success, i guess. because i know that the potential of each and and every one person is INCREDIBLE... but, personally, i also know that i have to work hard, and give up a whole lot more than i currently am.
--yesterday afternoon i wrote for like three or four hours without relizing how much time had passed. it was amazing, and yeah... i have missed it. so anyways, now im writing agian. im taking baby baby steps. (it is what i love. i just forgot for awhile.)
--and im running. i used to run. a lot. during high school i would run with the forgien exchange kids around town. i never was in x-country, and my track days always started out strong and then i quit before the season was over... the competion drove me crazy, but i loved just going and not really knowing where the ending point would be. perhaps a dance with a buterfly, or an exhausted climb up the forbidden road, or simply to leave before the mail arrived and return when the presense of other beings still lingered... so im running. and im working on acumulating miles because... yeah we'll see. right now it is yet another way to develop discipline.
_______________________
ok, so i spent a long time trying to find DARREN's band. he is my cousin, and that is is real name. i wanted to write out the link, because we'll he's my cousin, and i love him, and i heard from bethany that he's pretty good. anyways, i can't find it, and i don't remember the name of the band (names of actors/ movies/ bands, never stick in my mind!), so it's not going to happen this day. the family and i are going to see him tonight in the cities... (c.d. release) yeah for family. it'll be good. and it'll be good to see big city lights.

adious.