i can still wish though.

dang. or emphazie that if need be, i long to convey something "strong and frustrating."

for years now i have been asking god what the heck he wants me to do with this life of mine. i know the answers and i have read the manual--- BUT i have still found that "love the love your god with all your heart mind and strength," and "walk humbly and love mercy" can be a bit vauge.

ARGH-- agian and agian.

i have been wrestling with what the next 'to do' is for quite sometime... yeah but my mentor and friend, scott, relied a message to me about running after what causes my being to weep. ((i like encouraging/ challanging others, but this reminder now has me making lists of that stuff that just plain shakes me up- those things that god is asking me to get messy with. thanks to you, mr. scott))

the stars were really bright last night. i gazed up and over slightly. i wanted god to write me a note so i could see my life list and begin to check them off. but it doesn't sound like the way he is going to teach me trust, by means of my eyes staring at the twinkling planets and such waiting for script. i will continue to look up though, because, perhaps..., well, if it was written one of these days i wouldn't want to miss it!

at church last night we sang 'it is well with my soul,' (an old lovely tune among the more recent ear candy). after pondering the weightly words while peering at the enlarged language on the wall, i felt heavy tears dribble down, hitting my smile creases, and rounding over my chin. i wasn't in a mood to cry-- but these words needed to be carved on my bones. truth is not dependent on feelings, i stood before and i stand agian. it is well, because i choose it to be. NYET to what my eyes currently see; NYET to what my memory is able to recall; NYET to the voices that whisper or scream lies.

so i will continue. christianity-- the real going at it-- is more than what you or i could ever possibaly imagian-- but i am running in that direction and we'll see what becomes of my self.
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i am working at the discount store, and the nursing home. -- fridays are my day off. -- the strangest thing that has recently occured in my life: a coworker asked me to be in his wedding because i was a christian... and i just met his soon-to-be wife this evening. weird. i said i would be honored to though.-- i miss jolene.-- leah schmidt is now in new zeland working with stieger international.-- i ran into lucas (former crownie) at a uw-stout campus crusade night-- i went rollerskating a bit ago-- i am drinking 'sleepy time' tea and it is working...--i sent off an article to relevant the other day, but the guy emailed me back and said it didn't make it... gotta send it agian-- oh, my favorite lady at the nursing home died this passed week, but before she died, before she got sent to the hospital, before she fall, while she was lying in bed and i was helping the other lady in her room, i asked alice if she was a christian "what'd you say?" she yelled back, do you know jesus? "yes." she said, "he takes care of me" i looked at her and we exchanged smiles. later that day she went to the hospital. i liked her a lot. and i wanted to go to her funeral, but it was a family only deal, and she got cremated so, not really a burial-- i miss my betty. she is lovely. she is in eau claire now, but her phone is off for a bit and she works nights. i haven't talked to her since christmas day.-- i colored a paper plate in the breakroom today. it is a masterpiece. truely.

bye now. and yes, i miss you too.

my excitment about life tomarrow is growing, *what about your own.