tomorrow

i am planning on flying to wisconsin. needless, to say... i am rather excited.

password found.

does anyone else have a hard time consuming nutrition in the summer time heat? i think... naked juices and odwalla may be the answer to somewhat healthy under-the-weight-of-the-sun's-rays semi-meals, or at least snacks.
its a tuesday work day for me. laundry. dishes. sorting. bills. budgeting this next bit. purchasing tickets... score. im going home for a wedding in july. yes, please. i am so very excited. bonfires. a birthday train ride. a bachlorette bash. a donated to my use vehicle-- thank YOU. it will be lovely, i have no doubt the time will be good.
ok surreal occurance this last weekend. i worked at the hotel friday night (yes, they did work out a schedule i agreed to, therefore i am still employed.), and one of the guests asked if i would be interested in attending the ben folds/ j. mayer show @ red rocks on saturday. i responded with a "yes, my goodness, wow"-- actually i don't remember how i responded... ha. they were going to check with two of their friends but if they were unable to make it, the tickets were mine. WHAT? ok. i continued to clean the rooms... saturday morning i received a phone call while feasting upon my my bagel- which i had to force down because the summer time warmth didnt encourage my chewing/swallowing process at all :), --the tickets were going to be left at the front desk if i could get the night off. FRONT ROW. free. needless to say, i went into work straight away and said im not coming in- please don't hurt me too bad... no, i explained the entire situation and they said alright, youre scheduled sunday , see you then-- enjoy the show. so after i locked my keys in the car at target, and after two hours and a very bent hanger, and after the "unlocker guy" came, and after some delicious wheat beer, we went to the show. front row. arm bands. we chatted with the fabulous ticket offerers and they gave us authentic lays, flown in from maui. what? what a day. i didn't want to go to bed-- ever. so it was amazing, and so generous of them, and you know thats a pretty massive tip. so i still smile. and i wonder what today holds, because life can be ridiculous. like i plan all of these things to achomplish on this tuesday, but you know saturday when i was eating the bagel i wasnt thinking about the kind man from colorado springs who attempted to get the car door open for a long time, and i wasn't thinking about the beauty of the red rocks that i would be able to breath in because of another's giving... generosity. wow. thank you strangers, who love on me. xxx

always thinking it will be different...

once again... i like to play and pretend and imagain and create. i have a hard time being ok with life when it is not fun, and it hurts, and there is confussion and chaos spilt all over. i used to deny it. the messes of life. the complexities of living. the ideals i thought i would immerse myself into that were actually not ideals at all.

i am sitting in a coffee shop. my ass is begining to hurt a bit; although the hard wooden pew provides an amazing sense of enviroment, it , unforenutly does not cater to the body for lengths of time whatsoever.

last night, i worked at the hospital. it is strange to think that i ended my shift at eight this morning. it has been good for me to get hospital experience, although the realizations it has offered, angers me. i have been doing cna work in nursing homes for the last six years. six years! on and off a bit, but for the most part, the great bit of six years. when i lived in minneapolis i tried to get hired at a hospital. my resume was denied with the reasoning that i didnt have any accute care expeirence. when i moved to wisconsin, the same deal. i tried and was denied. colorado, spring of '06-- same thing. ok. knowing "fresh" cna's that worked in a hospital... i was frustrated. whatever. fastforward to now. i got a job with an agency that places cna's in hospitals and nursing homes both. (and am on call for a place that will set me up with home health care and hospice work.) beautiful. i wanted the experience. "there must be more that cna's do in hospitals..." but thus far i have taken vitals, done blood sugars, emptied urinials, made beds and filled water pitchers... i just wondered why all these hospital faciluties from the past wouldn't let me in when cna nursing home work is all that and... caring for these people, feeding, bathing, tolieting... please hear me. i am glad for the oppurtunity. happy for the expeirience. i just wonder if it stems back to this western societies fond approval of idolizing youthfulness and in turn disregarding elderly. ((oh and when i was at a nursing home last week-- an 80 yr old took out her green mood lipstick. no im not lying at all. i was able to witness the perfect application of this lip enhancer prior to the clock reading 7o'clock. funny. you would have laughed to. *i think i discarded mine in the 8th grade.))

now that it is warmish again-- i crave bike rides. it is an appropriate passion, i do beleive. yesterday, i was able to venture downtown with trish. we did a barnes and noble stop and then indulged in the fancy cheesecake that is at burger king for 1.29 and is scrumptious enough to compare with the cheesecake factory. ((the cheesecake factory reminds me of tyler burton while her surname was still stinson... and lem usita on his conference visit from cali... and ms. jenna stanfield *starfield! when we probably both had an overdraft fee and it was freezing and we were deliberating on the 16th street mall. oh, cheesecake.)) and now cheesecake, which trish stated she didn't even enjoy that much-- but we sat in the grass along the bike path and ate not-so-healthful food, after feeling somewhat healthy. then, jenna and i rode along the bike path today. chatting about men. and god. and which route to take. pretty much in the opposite line-up that i just stated.

life goals. to be an RN before im thirty... amber. you said it. not me. i think i want to but um, then theres school, and money and to actually work hard. honestly, i want to lay on the couch and read novels and watch little house on the prairie and eat ice cream and squash.

so the man at the counter gave me two massive chocolate cookies. oh peace floods with cookies consumptions.

ok i work at 6. goodbye. goodnight.

just leave the nose alone

turtle, la headzee's precious cat like to cuddle as close to one's head as possible. there has been several ocasions he has attempted to sleep on my face actually. and yes, it is a bit of a joke around the house that this cat will indeed be a baby killer. so he just climbed upon my chest and laid with his whiskers touching my cheeks his. i blow at him-- a hot blast of mouth air. he then proceeded to bat my nose. i stopped blowing. he continued to bat. goodness. i have since shooed hiowm from my presence. and now find the noise of swing kids quiet pleasent in the background. i am not one to typically like "background tv noise"-- not at all. how however, it was either this or quiet quiet, and hey tonight i choose the 1930's young rebel's music. i started with 'big fish,' then '40 yr old virgin,' then some documentary on sharks... but none of those were in their cases, until i stumbled across the dancing kids. which rememinds me of those lessons i took for a month to learn how to swing dance... hmm. lets just say i don't know yet, though it was fun. ...shoot. i don't remember the doughnut that i was eating... but it is currently gone. oh, next friday will be my last at the hotel. the hospital/ agency place offered to switch me up to day shifts, and i am choosing to give it a go. but because most of the shifts will run from 7.3 to 4 i wont be able to start at the hotel at 4. i chatted with management but they were unable to work with the hoped for set-up that i have a intriquitly woven together in my mind. so... well see what tomorrow holds i guess. this is random. not that you needed me to state that however i still felt it may be nessicary for those attempting to plod through that written prose in hopes for something meaningful, enlightening, and well articulated. well, dear friends, scamper elsewhere perhaps. i just write. and i dont really get it myself. **** i work a 15 hour day today, but it was good-- and knowing that i am working towards a goal, i was somehow driven to try my hardest and not just yearning for the hours to pass by... not that there weren't times of those, but. so i is a bit strange to go from a fairly laxed work place to where i would venture out will the gang nearly... well... a lot. to then, not having work-- by choice though it was still a crazy time. to now... attempting to get a handle finacially and socially both. stange times. stange seasons. the other day... breakfast ephanies-- first off, wow. i think god is up to something with that groups. ana, carrie, anna, jenna, alicia, amber-- passionate, driven, seeking jesus, yeah, wow. ladies. but lets see, overnight wednesday to thursday it snowed. (i was on for a night shift and seriously over a foot of perfect white fluff on the rollerskate-- yes, i ate some.) and mind you i has been quite warm and springish in denver thus far. the birds have been over and about (they dont really leave, i guess) the grass has been getting green and the trees have begun to bud and blossom. lovely. than the snow came. beautiful white blanket. (the best kind for snowball fights, thee best kind) so, we met and chatted about jesus and life and justice and esther, and it would circle about some agreeing so disagreeing, conversation being held, unity occuring despite our widely vary gifts and views. and the green tree stood, with full fresh buds, it stood blanketed with a pure coat of white. and it was a slight to behold, one to stand amazed at, one to ask that your dreams tonight may display it. that is all for now. continue dear friends.

ofically dillusional

sound it out, and stop editing already. i will disappoint all who are present for that reason. "burn denver" has occured since the last time i offered my little secret password to 'get on in.' and wow. i guess because it was a time to intercede on behalf of denver simply because people trust that god is what/ who he says he is, i guess i souldn't be amazed. well. it has been a long time since i have mustered the itsy-bitsy bit of my heart and core that screams that god is reality, it has been a long while since ive joined with others and annouced, "so be it lord" to the land, over the people, and shouted to my stubborn will as well. yeah, yeah... than i have been working at the hotel till 9.3 pm, than of to the hospital a while later to be there till 8 am. it has been an exhausting weekend, but no less than good. no less. ok. i am going to sleep, and then perahps ill... just kidding. im not going to make plans this time around. i did stop at einstein's on the way home... and the toasted honey whole wheat bagel with honey almond smear is almost too much, in a really good way. recommended.

burn denver is soon. come.

im typing with my left hand only. my right one is assisting in consumption, a cookie with which lazee proudly took from the wrapper last night, sliced, and proceeded to bake on a pan in the oven. dough from the store... hmmm. lazee, your terrific. just a bit ago i woke to trish saying my bathroom ceiling was leaking. what? oh dear. we got a big pot, and it has since stopped.____________________beautiful. i just got hooked-up with one of the hospitals. many night shifts. this able body is going to going to get well rested and give it a go. ((next week)) ***oh, tomorrow night is denver burn. 24 hours of prayer and worship. here we go. ill bet. later. now. stopped by sox, for a moment. it was good to see missed faces once again ______read this somewhere, and found myself encouraged, "I am afriad my heart has become entangled. I have ceased to want God, ceased to give Him honor and adoration, and now I find myself peering at my reflection, quite discusted at what I see. I have turned into a worrier, a complainer, and a bit of a self-absorbed brat. I say I want to learn the hard asspects of love knowing full well that I am capable and willing to manuver about manipulativly. I say I hate Christians but what I truely despise is peering at them, and seeing my own self. I need a savior. I have a savior. Oh, Lord quiet this restless heart." ok now, im out. needing a savior this day. later all.

catch-up, one tuesday in march

this day has been glorious. i received a text this morning wishing me a "glorious day," and am happy to declare that it has been thus far. thank you, miss jenna. i took a walk to the grocery store in the sun-- i had to fax some paperwork and purchase brownie mix. but with my jeans and t-shirt, adorned with the makeshift cardigan, i was too toasty. i made it there, but on the return trip i ripped off the extra layer. i comptemplated whether i should take my shoes and socks off. alas. i did not. now, after a cool down bath and eating half a pan of brownies, i feel a bit sick in my grass green skirt and barefeet. the brownies were on sale-- two boxes of betty crocker for three dollars us-- thats beauty. so, i am sipping organic blueberry juice in attempt to counteract what is occuring in my body. im not sure if it is working. i chatted with betty and shandi on the phone this morning. can i tell you people are lovely? the interactions were wonderful and i am glad we were able to connect up again. for the past many months i have been at the restruraunt and improving my social networking, as some might say. i was still involved at sox place, and still attended scum of the earth church. i would love on the people at the restruraunt and allow them to care about and for me. it seem good. throughout this time... my anger towards christians elevated, and the bitterness towards god grew. i was tired of pursuing, i was tired of trying. so, i didn't. i still knew that god was actual. but i didn't get his love. somewhere i had forgotten that it wasn't earned. somewhere i misunderstood, or perhaps it never truely sunk in that i didn't have to "try." anyways. a colorado sweetheart sent me away. i had left the restruraunt and was in the process of typing updated resumes when a conversation with her lead to a four day mountian venture. i was to leave the next day. i did. i was quieted. i was bored. then god loved on me. i fought it. i let him. he told me stuff. i fought it. and i was quited again. and i ate shrimp cocktail and i saw new places i had never seen previously. so. that was now weeks ago. the things that i believe god spoke and reminded me of still encourage and haunt me, this day. there is a part of me that is counting the cost of actually discipleship, but there is another bit of me that simply says "just be, and let him love you." so, yeah. god. and i stepped away from scum, for the time being and sox. i need jesus. not minstry persay, or um the niceites of church. not this moment. maybe when i swallow his love deep again, probably, yes... for sure-- once i let him love me, than more love truely.
oh. art. i had this huge canvas in my room. and now it is back to being white. back to such potential. i like it. trish and i are now going on a walk down town-- only a couple miles-- and it is still beautiful out there. xxx cleaning and bills and probably another brownie await at the house.