pause?

i like to think that i am fairly adventurous. im not. i would like to think that i am fairly risky. im not. i would like others to see me through the image that i want them to see me in, not the way i really am. (im spontanious. but in a safe sort of way. im not boring. i just really want to know what im getting into. i think i think too much. shoot. yeah.)

the original intentions to moving back home were to write about this stuff with sarah. life has not gone as planned. i am learning more "lessons" than i ever thought i signed up for-- yet, for some reason i still plead to god that he would reveal to me new things. strange, stretching, holy things. to demand growth within my body.

life.

so, mom my was praying for me last night. and during a silent bit, a picture came to me. it was like this grand adventure was taking place on a tv screen. i was within the dramatic unfolding of this adventure. but suddenly i was standing away from the television set, holding the remote. i was on the screen, but i was also standing with the remote in my hand. i had the control. it was like god was saying i could push play at anytime... i told this to my mom. she asked me if i was willing to press play. i told her that i wanted to. but i was so terrified. its like i know that god is good. i know it. but, i want to know the details that i would be agreeing to by releasing the pause button. i know the ending... and the ending is all fine and dandy. but what about those middle parts? what about not knowing where i will work, or if i will married, or if i get out of the u.s.? what about money? which way do i turn next? what about the people i will encounter? how do i love them? how will i know? what will i say? will i have a house? will i live under the shade of a tent? is english going to be the only language i am going to speak? i don't want to screw it up... it isn't about me. the story isn't about me. i feel like a movie extra that is simply paranoid about tripping when she is just called to saunter across the stage and be seen. its like i would rather read the entire script before allowing the producers to cut and tape the shot that i was called in for. its like i so despartly want to read that script but, they won't let me-- because we have this silly director who keeps going back to the "drawing table" when an new actor/ or extra/ or bug! crawls on the set. yeah. anyways. so i think i have to press play. whatever that means. and try to trust. just try it. because he is good. and i do really know it. (it makes me wonder what is going to happen at the shop tomarrow... there i go. thinking, thinking, thinking. just stop.)

the number eight

do you ever form opinions just to have a sure stance one something? i plead guilty. for instance, 8. i like it. i haven't quite decided the deeper reasoning beyond my tendencies to use the number as an elaboration, or story intensifier. i simply believe it has a nice ring to it. "9," sounds rather boring to my ears while "8," carries with it a strange sort of mystery.

(and it's not even my favorite number. i suppose i do feel that "8" seems a bit neglected. and i would like the hear the number receive some credit for its existance.)

emma checked out uwsuperior today- and she likes it.

coffee. wanna go? (depending on who acts as the company-- variation= likly. but the occasion seems to hold implication to more than hot liquid within a styro-foam container. ...explains the craze over "going for coffee." if it were nothing beyond styro-foam-- why not save $3 and sip out of the mug your aunt gave you when you graduated high school? yeah, i think i have convinced myself. i think going for coffee is more than that. more than hot liquid in styro-foam.) the night was lovely. challanging, encouraging. lovely. same place, same time- next week?

oh annoying.

im playing spider solitaire on another screen (because the computer likes to dawdle about) and i was doing well-- than i pressed 'deal', only to receive stupid cards. now im unable to move any card at all. anyways. i was going to write about something. ahhh. yes. and this was going to be the "title"... 'Tomah. 6:32. The sky is breathtaking.' i was planning on working my magic to place you in a mood that would glorify the creator of this place we have dubbed "home of the brave and land of the free," instead i feel that perhaps i shall now dismiss myself to the corner for 23 minutes for bringing such unnecessary pessimism into this arena. oh dear. bye. **************** the left corner of the freezer. ice cream. this sort of punishment is permissable. travel across the state to visit with my dear grandparents today was good. good meaning great. we made ukranian eggs and laughed, and they loved me. it was nice. nice meaning right now i wish i lived a lot closer to those amazing individuals. on the way home- on the way out of my-quick-stop-at-walmart, i did a double-take glace/stare at the sky. then more than simply a peek was in store-- i gazed. the sky held such magnificance. swirls of muted colors, multiple kinds of clouds. it seemd to portray hope. the colors weren't bright. the clouds displayed no sense of stabilty. if an artist were to paint the imagery on canvas; i would imagian persons, myself included, to mock the artist's inclination to define the peice as something which actually was. the sky held seemingly no sense of organization. if an amateur or professional were to photograph the sky over Tomah at 6:32 this evening: the grand strokes of percission that the creator worked would fail to be captured. a four by six, a six by ten...can not attempt to capture the envelope of hope the was undeniable to this existence. friday. "good" friday. the friday that has been written on calander to remember blood, to recall pain, to i n t r o d u c e faith and power and being stilled momentarily--not only for this one day out of the calander year. it is essential to pause daily. not to became another morning ritual. rather to involve one's self in understanding the story. inside and out. as much as, we persons are able to right now. so what happened "good" friday? what happened the friday prior, what was going on? what occured the friday after? what was than in place? frankly, i don't care if you claim to be a christian. i don't care about your job or your family or your marital status. i don't care if you listen to rap or country or bach. i don't care what brand you currently have etched into your back pocket. i don't care about any of that stuff, not right now. i do care about truth. not necessarily the denominational doctire. not necessarily church services. not necessarily tarrot cards. not necessarily the koran. i have tasted truth. i have seen it. some of you have as well. when you find it, i challanege you to never release your grip-- but if you are not certain the you have found the truth the sets a person free. search the far corners of the earth until you do. meanwhile, i challange you also, to be informed. agian i don't care about a lot of things in this instance: but let us not be ignorant americans. ignorant people. let us know the stories behind the calander's declaration of a holiday. know the stories inside and out.
good night. im off to the nursing home for the next several days. hanging out with more grandparents. i do care about you. i do care that your very being be so invaded with truth that it only can allow you to step back and stare and wonder and rejoice. you sleep tight too. and enjoy egg salad for the next two weeks, truely.

so this is wednesday

i switched a day so i was able to get this one off from working the bolts of fabric. i started the day fairly early because i had opted to attend a job fair in eau claire. it started at 7 and i wanted to have the application in and perfected before noon-- i figured the higher-up in the stack it was... the better my chance of receiving a phone call... i don't know. it seemed somewhat logical at the time. the three rep.s that sat behind the table with their pleasent smiles and bowls of polite candies, seemed bored already (and this "fair" would be continuing until 7 this evening). i made some ridiculous comments about that fact and they laughed and giggled and offered me candy. "take more," the man commanded. "they are low cal." this time i grinned- candy is not supposed to be healthy-- exect for the hard sugar free discs that every grandma should always have on hand. 'bye now-- you three people. maybe i will see you later. maybe i won't. stay awake through this day though.'

next stop. betty's. she wasn't home. i am still brushing my tears a way.

i went to borders. they didn't have any books about bangladesh. all of the india books only mentioned the word in their history section when e.pakistan became bangladesh. i was rather disappointed. (i bet b.n. would carry something!) sickening. i used to thrive only at the library and the tiny, hole-in-the-wall book shops. now i argue to myself alone about my loyality to b.n. and my momentary disapproval of borders. goodness. moving on, they put a fluffy easter bunny on top on the erotica sign. i stared. then i roamed about until my stomach was making loud noises and i could feel the stares of another. i brought two books. they looked good and meaty. i might let you know the titles if they prove to be representing. but not yet. (my car is really dirty. it was looking forward to a bath. carwash with the pink and blue squirting stuff. but i had to choose: book or bath, bath or book. tricky. i found some quarters so we underwent a inside vaccum job. blackberry's outer appearance will need to wait. the vote came through, and the book won.)

according to the local newspaper: 1) boyceville and the surrounding areas (western wisconsin) are currently dealing heavily with meth users and addicts and meth plants. i knew this was occurring but i was unaware of the extent. 2) there was a crack-down on some counterfit money that has been used locally. 3) the meteorologists are predicting a rain/snow mix for this evening. *i feel somewhat enlightened. hmmm.

resolutions...

yeah. a bit later than the typical "goal-setter" it seems. only two months later and a couple handfuls of days, nothing to get too up-tight about. intentions are ok. but the question awaiting a neat answer, will surely be disappointed.

will i achomplish the following list?

will i follow through in order to receive a nice pat on the back from my well-meaning conscience? attainable?

are they life-giving and purpose-reminding?

will they cause my body to get a restless night's sleep if i do not work my hardest at them?

at the end of the year?

or that week?

or that day?

i want to be about the deeping burning of life and truth that will not allow my mind to get soft, or my heart to get hard.

i want to know this god inbetween the stories and snapshots of his character-- what makes his laugh and weep, and to honor that holy lord- what is it even about?

i want to know.

but not only know.

not simply know.

i yearn to dwell in it.

i yearn to be exhausted agian, becease he truely does give sips of refreshing water during those times.

oh, i want to lap at the stream where he and i can just be. so anyways... i want a lot of stuff. i want to learn, and grow, and be and dance. ramblings-- and jasmine kersting give "it" your heart, or else you won't.

some of the trivial and not-so trivial stuff I want to do before January 1, 2006:
-read more.
-laugh more.
-learn to roller-skate.
-visit Sandi in FL.
-run a marathon.
-finish a large painting: oil on canvas.
-visit Amber in Boston.
-pay off the car loan I have out.
-finish some written work on Sarah.
-pay off some college loans.
-stop speeding.
-attend the BHS 2000 reunion.
-learn more so who my parents are.
-read through the bible.
-stop, look, and listen daily.
-be authentic all-the-time.
-allow myself to get bloody knees.
-see, really see, people.
-bike, a lot.
-learn harmonica agian.
-look into the fire.
-change, grow, be still, trust, stand.
-be aware of world events.

-dance.

-continue and have fun!

agian

snow. i like it. i really do. however, i think this will be the seventh snowy weekend in a row, and i am getting tired of making the "scraper's circle" as i seem to walk in a trance, attempting to get the white fluff off of the various angles of the vehicle.

the weatherpeople can not agree on the suposed accumulation. i have heard up to 14 by the time the clouds are through spitting, but we must wait to see what actually occurs.

i really do like snow. but i wish it came when i was in my snowpants and available to go sledding... not when my agenda conflicts.

(in a way im glad the weather doesn't stoop to my likings... just this time it would be kind of nice though.)

hwy 64, forest- LWC

hi. i really don't know the extent of my audience, (am im ok either way-- either you are waving at me through the screen or i am simply doing justice to myself by improving my spelling and typing skills). but hello there.

it is super late. well... i have been crawling into bed inbetween 9 and 10, so this is late for me but i seem to have energy so i am planning on spending it-- spending the last waking hours of the day that is, because i don't want to turn off the lights quite yet and i'm to partake in a quiet activity out of respect for those who need to throw their covers off earlier than i.

i went to church this evening and hung out a bit afterwards with a handful of fun kids.
james is a boy (man now) that i grew up with: we attended the same elementary and high school. we were in o.m. together, and drama, and we used to lead up the early morning prayer meetings throughout those crazy teenage years in the chilly shop room. my friend, james. oh how to describe this man who used to leave corny tracts in the guy's bathroom, and now can not seem to contain his enthusiasm about traveling to brazil to work hard while serving and loving people. he is planning on leaving in may of this year. james now comes to my home church-- good, but weird... robyn and james are engaged.
robyn and i went to the same high school (and james). she is a year older than i but we met across the art table when i was a freshman. a strange friendship and a tight bond grew out of our anyletical sessions of working to decipher our personality types, etc, etc. our times together would delve into great depths and than we would determine that it was time to laugh-- we had to talk about having fun. wow. robyn is still a dear friend whom i admire and trust. and her home church is my home church, thus i saw those two-- she gave me BURT's tonight- a true pal she proves to be. ((it has been really neat to watch, yet another pair of my friends relize that they were good together- and not just hanging out for a bit.))
aaron grew up in clear lake. i don't know him too well, his connection at the church grew moreso after i was in mn for a bit. his heart weeps for people like few i have ever seen. aaron helps with sunday school ministry within this church body- he cares about those little guys so much.
sarah recently moved to river falls but she finds it appropriate to drive back to this particular hub of a church to stay connected and encouraged during this period. she works with the youth and allows her core to break for them. sarah continues to seek and listen and seek and listen. she is a women that encourages me.
darren, my former youth pastor, and current friend found me as i was heading out the door. i gave him an ever-popular side hug and he looked into my eyes and pulled out truth. darren was present when i wept over a list of things i wanted to be at the age of fourteen, and i pushed my broken heap of self onto the lap of this god of nice stories- once agian. darren, my youth pastor, my friend. so i told him tonight of the god that was teaching me little things-- tiny things, that one could argue may not hold great weight in the mighty scheme of things. those things-- for some reason i have to learn them, and i am and you know it's still a day to day, hour to hour, situation to situation deal. darren and his wife, libby, are having expecting their first baby. exciting. and yes, they will be super parents.
the church gang has changed. some have moved. some have changed their priorities. some have _____________, fill in the blank. when i think about statistics, i know that not a great deal of the church building's population consists of 20-something year olds. (sad? i don't know how to describe my thoughts... i don't attend on sundays because now i am working during those morning hours. i just am not sure what i think, besides the underlying dileama, i believe, has nothing to do with the particular day of the week that meetings of teaching and hours of coorporate worship are held...)

good night. now i am sleepy. i am off to dream.