this.

THE HIGH CALLING OF GOD
1. If God has called you to be really like Jesus in all your spirit, He will draw you into a life of crucifixion and humility. He will put on you such demands of obedience that He will not allow you to follow other Christians, and in many ways He will seem to let other good people do things which He will not let you do.
2. Other Christians and ministers who seem very religious and useful may push themselves, pull wires and work schemes to carry out their plans, but you cannot do it. If you attempt it, you will meet with such failure and rebuke from the Lord as to make you sorely penitent.
3. Others can brag about themselves, their work, their success, or their writings, but the Holy Spirit will not allow you to do any such thing. If you begin it, He will lead you into such deep mortification that will make you despise yourself and all your good works.
4. Others will be allowed to succeed in making great sums of money or having a legacy left to them or in having luxuries. But God may supply you daily because He wants you to have something far better than gold and that is a helpless dependence on Him, that He may have the privilege of providing your needs day by day out of the unseen treasury.
5. The Lord may let others be honoured and put forward but keep you hidden away in obscurity because He wants to produce some choice, fragrant fruit for His coming glory, which can only be produced in the shade.
6. God will let others be great, but keep you small. He will let others do a work for Him and get the credit for it, but He will make you work and toil on without knowing how much you are doing. Then to make your work still more precious, He will let others get the credit for the work which you have done, and this will make your reward ten times greater when Jesus comes.
7. The Holy Spirit will put a strict watch on you, with a jealous love, and will rebuke you for little words and feelings or for wasting your time, which other Christians never seem distressed over.
8. So make up your mind that God is an infinite Sovereign, and has a right to do as He pleases with His own. He will not explain to you a thousand things which may puzzle your reason in His dealings with you. God will take you at your word; and if you absolutely will yourself to be His slave, He will wrap you up in a jealous love and let other people say and do many things that you cannot do or say. Settle it forever, that you are to deal directly with the Holy Spirit. Also that He is to have the privilege of tying your tongue or chaining your hand or closing your eyes, in ways that others are not dealt with.
9. Now when you are so possessed with the loving God that you are, in your secret heart, pleased and delighted over this peculiar personal, private, jealous guardianship and management of the Holy Spirit over your life, you will have found the vestibule of heaven.
(Source Unknown)

pausing to wave

it is now november. the mountians still attempt to beckon me, and i stop in wonderment from something, many things, deemed beautiful. the months and days continue to pass by as sure as the moments on the digital time tellers fail to grasp a minute, longer than a minute.

i took a barefoot walk the other day; where the ground was cold except for those sun spots on the sidewalk. calloused toes have passed with the summer activities, and the seeming sharp edges of the crispy leaves dug into my suple flesh... yes! i long to only do it again. perhaps, this very day-- i will again meandor through the fallen leaves, emersing myself into the churning seasons, as i wish for those tough summer toes once more. tough and tan... not today, although they will reek of scents that may enable you to envision a delightful classic with pages full of dated aroma read by one on a grand leather chair, with velvet wine in hand and the sparks of the fire dancing to the pattering of the rain. fall turning into winter. my feet, given a chance will attest, to the present season.

take care. consider a barefoot staunter. or just eat some soup. welcome to november.

tomorrow

i am planning on flying to wisconsin. needless, to say... i am rather excited.

password found.

does anyone else have a hard time consuming nutrition in the summer time heat? i think... naked juices and odwalla may be the answer to somewhat healthy under-the-weight-of-the-sun's-rays semi-meals, or at least snacks.
its a tuesday work day for me. laundry. dishes. sorting. bills. budgeting this next bit. purchasing tickets... score. im going home for a wedding in july. yes, please. i am so very excited. bonfires. a birthday train ride. a bachlorette bash. a donated to my use vehicle-- thank YOU. it will be lovely, i have no doubt the time will be good.
ok surreal occurance this last weekend. i worked at the hotel friday night (yes, they did work out a schedule i agreed to, therefore i am still employed.), and one of the guests asked if i would be interested in attending the ben folds/ j. mayer show @ red rocks on saturday. i responded with a "yes, my goodness, wow"-- actually i don't remember how i responded... ha. they were going to check with two of their friends but if they were unable to make it, the tickets were mine. WHAT? ok. i continued to clean the rooms... saturday morning i received a phone call while feasting upon my my bagel- which i had to force down because the summer time warmth didnt encourage my chewing/swallowing process at all :), --the tickets were going to be left at the front desk if i could get the night off. FRONT ROW. free. needless to say, i went into work straight away and said im not coming in- please don't hurt me too bad... no, i explained the entire situation and they said alright, youre scheduled sunday , see you then-- enjoy the show. so after i locked my keys in the car at target, and after two hours and a very bent hanger, and after the "unlocker guy" came, and after some delicious wheat beer, we went to the show. front row. arm bands. we chatted with the fabulous ticket offerers and they gave us authentic lays, flown in from maui. what? what a day. i didn't want to go to bed-- ever. so it was amazing, and so generous of them, and you know thats a pretty massive tip. so i still smile. and i wonder what today holds, because life can be ridiculous. like i plan all of these things to achomplish on this tuesday, but you know saturday when i was eating the bagel i wasnt thinking about the kind man from colorado springs who attempted to get the car door open for a long time, and i wasn't thinking about the beauty of the red rocks that i would be able to breath in because of another's giving... generosity. wow. thank you strangers, who love on me. xxx

always thinking it will be different...

once again... i like to play and pretend and imagain and create. i have a hard time being ok with life when it is not fun, and it hurts, and there is confussion and chaos spilt all over. i used to deny it. the messes of life. the complexities of living. the ideals i thought i would immerse myself into that were actually not ideals at all.

i am sitting in a coffee shop. my ass is begining to hurt a bit; although the hard wooden pew provides an amazing sense of enviroment, it , unforenutly does not cater to the body for lengths of time whatsoever.

last night, i worked at the hospital. it is strange to think that i ended my shift at eight this morning. it has been good for me to get hospital experience, although the realizations it has offered, angers me. i have been doing cna work in nursing homes for the last six years. six years! on and off a bit, but for the most part, the great bit of six years. when i lived in minneapolis i tried to get hired at a hospital. my resume was denied with the reasoning that i didnt have any accute care expeirence. when i moved to wisconsin, the same deal. i tried and was denied. colorado, spring of '06-- same thing. ok. knowing "fresh" cna's that worked in a hospital... i was frustrated. whatever. fastforward to now. i got a job with an agency that places cna's in hospitals and nursing homes both. (and am on call for a place that will set me up with home health care and hospice work.) beautiful. i wanted the experience. "there must be more that cna's do in hospitals..." but thus far i have taken vitals, done blood sugars, emptied urinials, made beds and filled water pitchers... i just wondered why all these hospital faciluties from the past wouldn't let me in when cna nursing home work is all that and... caring for these people, feeding, bathing, tolieting... please hear me. i am glad for the oppurtunity. happy for the expeirience. i just wonder if it stems back to this western societies fond approval of idolizing youthfulness and in turn disregarding elderly. ((oh and when i was at a nursing home last week-- an 80 yr old took out her green mood lipstick. no im not lying at all. i was able to witness the perfect application of this lip enhancer prior to the clock reading 7o'clock. funny. you would have laughed to. *i think i discarded mine in the 8th grade.))

now that it is warmish again-- i crave bike rides. it is an appropriate passion, i do beleive. yesterday, i was able to venture downtown with trish. we did a barnes and noble stop and then indulged in the fancy cheesecake that is at burger king for 1.29 and is scrumptious enough to compare with the cheesecake factory. ((the cheesecake factory reminds me of tyler burton while her surname was still stinson... and lem usita on his conference visit from cali... and ms. jenna stanfield *starfield! when we probably both had an overdraft fee and it was freezing and we were deliberating on the 16th street mall. oh, cheesecake.)) and now cheesecake, which trish stated she didn't even enjoy that much-- but we sat in the grass along the bike path and ate not-so-healthful food, after feeling somewhat healthy. then, jenna and i rode along the bike path today. chatting about men. and god. and which route to take. pretty much in the opposite line-up that i just stated.

life goals. to be an RN before im thirty... amber. you said it. not me. i think i want to but um, then theres school, and money and to actually work hard. honestly, i want to lay on the couch and read novels and watch little house on the prairie and eat ice cream and squash.

so the man at the counter gave me two massive chocolate cookies. oh peace floods with cookies consumptions.

ok i work at 6. goodbye. goodnight.

just leave the nose alone

turtle, la headzee's precious cat like to cuddle as close to one's head as possible. there has been several ocasions he has attempted to sleep on my face actually. and yes, it is a bit of a joke around the house that this cat will indeed be a baby killer. so he just climbed upon my chest and laid with his whiskers touching my cheeks his. i blow at him-- a hot blast of mouth air. he then proceeded to bat my nose. i stopped blowing. he continued to bat. goodness. i have since shooed hiowm from my presence. and now find the noise of swing kids quiet pleasent in the background. i am not one to typically like "background tv noise"-- not at all. how however, it was either this or quiet quiet, and hey tonight i choose the 1930's young rebel's music. i started with 'big fish,' then '40 yr old virgin,' then some documentary on sharks... but none of those were in their cases, until i stumbled across the dancing kids. which rememinds me of those lessons i took for a month to learn how to swing dance... hmm. lets just say i don't know yet, though it was fun. ...shoot. i don't remember the doughnut that i was eating... but it is currently gone. oh, next friday will be my last at the hotel. the hospital/ agency place offered to switch me up to day shifts, and i am choosing to give it a go. but because most of the shifts will run from 7.3 to 4 i wont be able to start at the hotel at 4. i chatted with management but they were unable to work with the hoped for set-up that i have a intriquitly woven together in my mind. so... well see what tomorrow holds i guess. this is random. not that you needed me to state that however i still felt it may be nessicary for those attempting to plod through that written prose in hopes for something meaningful, enlightening, and well articulated. well, dear friends, scamper elsewhere perhaps. i just write. and i dont really get it myself. **** i work a 15 hour day today, but it was good-- and knowing that i am working towards a goal, i was somehow driven to try my hardest and not just yearning for the hours to pass by... not that there weren't times of those, but. so i is a bit strange to go from a fairly laxed work place to where i would venture out will the gang nearly... well... a lot. to then, not having work-- by choice though it was still a crazy time. to now... attempting to get a handle finacially and socially both. stange times. stange seasons. the other day... breakfast ephanies-- first off, wow. i think god is up to something with that groups. ana, carrie, anna, jenna, alicia, amber-- passionate, driven, seeking jesus, yeah, wow. ladies. but lets see, overnight wednesday to thursday it snowed. (i was on for a night shift and seriously over a foot of perfect white fluff on the rollerskate-- yes, i ate some.) and mind you i has been quite warm and springish in denver thus far. the birds have been over and about (they dont really leave, i guess) the grass has been getting green and the trees have begun to bud and blossom. lovely. than the snow came. beautiful white blanket. (the best kind for snowball fights, thee best kind) so, we met and chatted about jesus and life and justice and esther, and it would circle about some agreeing so disagreeing, conversation being held, unity occuring despite our widely vary gifts and views. and the green tree stood, with full fresh buds, it stood blanketed with a pure coat of white. and it was a slight to behold, one to stand amazed at, one to ask that your dreams tonight may display it. that is all for now. continue dear friends.

ofically dillusional

sound it out, and stop editing already. i will disappoint all who are present for that reason. "burn denver" has occured since the last time i offered my little secret password to 'get on in.' and wow. i guess because it was a time to intercede on behalf of denver simply because people trust that god is what/ who he says he is, i guess i souldn't be amazed. well. it has been a long time since i have mustered the itsy-bitsy bit of my heart and core that screams that god is reality, it has been a long while since ive joined with others and annouced, "so be it lord" to the land, over the people, and shouted to my stubborn will as well. yeah, yeah... than i have been working at the hotel till 9.3 pm, than of to the hospital a while later to be there till 8 am. it has been an exhausting weekend, but no less than good. no less. ok. i am going to sleep, and then perahps ill... just kidding. im not going to make plans this time around. i did stop at einstein's on the way home... and the toasted honey whole wheat bagel with honey almond smear is almost too much, in a really good way. recommended.