Perhaps another greeting to Mr. H.

good morning

• a strawberry-banana-nectarine smoothie was made by the blender and now it is being consumed. wow. essentially, it is the 'taste of summer.'
• emma is in montana, and my parents went on another weekend excursion. they're plans were, madeleine island. i want to be traveling. i want to be off somewhere living out of my suitcase. that's ok. it will come... right now i have two dollars in the pocket of yesterday's jeans, and my vehicle's tank is on empty. i really hope they have fun. really. i have to sort some more stuff today, a project that i started but have yet to finish. tonight, when i crawl into bed it will be good to finally have it done. That's my goal. it will happen.
• final negotiations bring the car that i hit the deer with into not totaled status. they are going to work hard and fix it this next week though. i pay 250ish and get it back into the condition of when i first got it, minus the mileage. That's a good deal. and i am convinced that insurance is a good thing.
• Current. minnesota's public radio station plays incredible music. i like it a lot. in fact all of the radios throughout the house are now tuned into 89.3 fm. and they provide good independent news. what could be better than that?
• it looks like i may be going back into full time cna work. i am ok with it. i called some places yesterday and will be filling out applications on monday. nothing else had surfaced and the leads that i have made in the direction of the y/ss degree have hired someone with more schooling or with more experience. if i am able to work a 6-2 shift than i could perhaps volunteer for the runaway help lines or do something in which my core weeps about... relationships at the shop are amazing. i do not regret my time there, the people i have met, or the lessons that have piled into my lap. if you are coming to western wisconsin in hopes to land a great job and save some green, best wishes-- but perhaps you may want to seek employment elsewhere.
• within this last week i have both seen the goodness of god and felt it was striped. i walked into a depressive hole and did not see it coming. i believed lies. but, whatever. it doesn't matter. because i am seemingly experiencing the highs and lows of life, does not mean that there is not any stability in who i am. there is solid rock stability because i serve a faithful one. so yeah, the winds are blowing. but i cried out in all seriousness for the opportunity and privledge to see the lord for who he truly is. and allowing the "winds to blow" is part of that. if everything was still, i would not know the stability of my friend, the creator and savior. that is this week for ya.
• how are you? for real.

217: a did you know.

today, i decided to trust this guy at work. we were putting out freight. having a simple conversation about canned food products. pudding in a can. vegtables in a can. soup in a can. "soup" must have triggered campbell's. for he proceeded to share his insightful knowledge. "there are 217 noodles in a can of campbell's chicken noodle." i stared in disbelief. he went on to state that his source was reliable (some fancy learning program, from some fancy network station). so. i am going to trust him. 217. that sounds ok to me. well, at least i am not going to count today... besides, i don't think the cupboard is concealing any campbell's. so, did you know that? __ bethany is my friend. check her little notes out. let your eyes scan to the right of the screen... bjb. and, if you are reading this i'll bet you are my friend as well (er, i hope so). if you would like, i can add your initials which would in essence be a linkage to a public space of your own on thing crazy www. if you would like. let me know.___ bensonwells is singing to me. that is the name of my cousin's band. i enjoy the music, but i am bias. i think i would still enjoy the music if i was being completely objective. yes. i would. use a search engine of your choosing, they are out there. i can already envision sharp designs protraying images that benifit R.Paul, D.Lee, G.Lemon, I.Kremer. i can envision vip passes for shows in large forgein cities. yeah. check them out.

tomato guts oozing

...snap. ooze. tastebuds somewhat approve. the little tiny tomatoes that you are able to fit into your mouth using only a small buldge of your cheek pocket. i usually like them. this evening i do.__ new topic. the car. i walked in the front door this evening, after pausing by the vehicle to see if the Yuck smeared upon the window was washed off from the rain. (yes, i drove around throughout the weekend with it on. my dad thought it would be worthwhile evidence and that the insurance people should see it. i agreed. though it reminded me of the death act i was involved in.) it was. washed off. inside the house, i trotted about asking about the days that my parents were a part of, and ingaged in a bit of usual greeting chatter. than with solom-ness spread over my very self, i approach the question i was waiting for an answer to since 12:39 saturday morning about. "what next?" (with the vehicle as the underlined subject to which the question stems from.) dad went on to state matter-of-factly that the car was totaled. i denied it, as i reminded him that i drove it home that night. now, i understand a bit about cars. a bit. not a lot. a bit. so really i was just playing dumb because if i would have truly paused to scope out the damage and the figured body-shop costs... i would have put it together the way the body shop people and the insurance agent and my father put it together-- i just did not have time to calculate yet. yeah. i asked dad if this was a good thing. totaled. "yes, jas-- and i will tell you why." and he did. i could smile after that. until i asked him if he thought the deer was really actually dead. "yes." than i did not smile for a bit. you probably don't care whether i killed a four legged prancing beast at all (i am not refering to avery this time). BUT the next time your eyes are drawn and fixated upon the rotting flesh on the side of the road-- you might care then. i am just saying you might care, because the image and stench is hard to erase for at least several long minutes. thats all. im just saying. don't cry for me. don't cry about the chunks of fur. whatever. don't cry.__ whatelse? i stopped in a camp last week and two of my campers from 6 years ago now came running up and hollering my name. it was really good. neat, to be reminded about the impact of an individual. it was wonderful to reconnect with these former jr.high loudies, whom are now beautiful ladies yearning to know moreso who god is.__ speaking of impact... i was looking through yearbooks last night. yearbooks from high school and from college. i thought about people as i recalled conversations about dreams and life and current situations with those persons. i prayed. i laughed. i wondered. and i thought about the imapct that they had upon my life. it was something that i hope to never pack to far away in my brain-- i want to always be thankful for the sharing of someones life with my own. good and crazy, crazy good. *bedtime. therefore, i will scamper. right now. night all. i hope the dreams aren't too scary with the roadkill talk.

***

my mind wandered in and out of the following thoughts: the supposed bbq that i was coming from wasn't really a bbq at all for me because i got there late and we sat around and laughed and played poker__ awkward moments throughout the evening that were truely worth it when new interactions between individuals were made__ the lyrics of the green day song that i really like showed up on the radio and it brought along its music__ the rodeo people who were camping in glenwood- i hoped their bodies weren't too sore. HELLO SALLY. the deer ran out, and yes, i smucked it. let me calmly notify you... "I am alive." i was involved in the proper driving techniques for a winding country road, when the moon is up and the sun is not. but yeah. the car's clock said 11:37, but it was really 12:39. i had to make speacial note in case i was to make some offical record of this event. the rest to the evening i wrestled with the idea of being a killer. it was ridiculous but i seriously kept replaying the run-in and i asked my dad if we could go out and shoot him because if he wasn't dead, i was sure he was wishing that he was. no, we did not go out with a gun. yes, i let my dad stay in bed. no, the car isn't crushed. yes, it has a bit of a dent and there is fur and grossness stuck and smeared on places i wish is was not. the end. so, it is sunny out. i was out ealier mowing and playing. i am going to feast upon musk mellow and left-over grad. cake and watch some movie that mom recommended. it is saturday. live it up already!

sarah christine

this is my beautiful friend who died in july of 2003. today i will write a little ditty that concerns her. wednesday, june 15th was her birthday. last year i wasn't home on her birthday so i didn't really hit me... ok. um. honestly, my thoughts concern my friend, and stem from various expeirences that i have had with her and her family, but it is more so the way God turned my focus. does this make sense?___ there is a time to grieve, but there is a time to move on as well. i have been sucking my thumb and crawling up to God's lap since the hour i heard- which is totally fine and approriate at times. however, it was very clear to me, just two days ago, that it was time for me to remove the thumb from my mouth. my thoughts had driffed to death topics-- and they will again. but the focus now must be upon the breath that is being inhaled and exhaled. i won't forget her. i can't. but life. abundant life. is calling. i must respond. *have a really good one. i am applying for yet another job. ha. and... i think i will wear my madi-gras mask around the house today. or maybe in the car when i go to water those darn plants. im not sure. i will wear it though. the colorful feathers want to showcase my eyes. whatever. i shouldn't speak for the mask. enough.

monday, monday.

im listening to m.ward, and it is wonderful. i also have a fresh piece of gauze in the place of my recently extracted wisdom tooth. in fact, if i begin sharing nonsense-- it is because of huge pink pills i was recommended from the man who's profession i will never envy. never ever.__ a lot has happened within the number of hours that i was not logged into this page... i think the best way to go about explaining may be the following. i hope it is the following. and you have already received the disclaimer that i could fade at any time so... read on if you wish. it will be random. * the interview went well. it is a live-in caregiver position for the weekends... they want me, but at present they don't have clients. weird. shady. so, no i do not have another job yet. but i will if they call. *emma's party was on saturday. tornados touched down in several towns right around. (wiped out 22 houses.) locations nearby had thunderstorms and sheets of downpour. it was sunny at our home. light breeze-- seemingly perfect for a large gathering. my face sort of hurt from passing out grins-- but they were genuine so the endorphins kept me going... it was nice to catch up with so many. it was nice to love on people, and let them love on me. it was a dessert buffet, so we have left over sugary morsels and heaps of fruit. lovely. *amber and i went out that night. we went to a show and had a couple drinks. drinking slowly is a smart thing if you are consuming on an empty stomach. i wasn't smart. we were leaving because the music wasn't pleasing in our opinions, but what i was currently holding tasted so good. too good to just set down when we were planning to scamper. yeah, dumb. i was dumb. and yes, i quickly realized. the night went on, i ran into fun people i knew- and now know agian. that was nice. it was nice to hang out with my sister. and be real with her. real, that i love jesus. real, that i sometimes enjoy heavy, crazy, mad music. real, that i like a 'white russian' when it is mixed right. *sunday morning. i went to the young adults sunday school. it is good. honestly, i am really happy that initiative is being taken among my peers. that excites me. *for a while now... God has been breaking me down. he has been taking me through crappy pride issues- and frankly, i know he is not done yet. he has been sorting out some assumptions that i have made about christian living. he has been reestablishing truth into the core and center and priority of what i am about and what i seek. i am seeing more clearly these days that the screaming that i have been about has been in vain. perhaps, not it its entirety simply because it has lead me to where i stand this hour. i have been screaming. passionate words about the injustice of fellow persons made in the likeness and beauty of his very self. i have been screaming to myself. i have been screaming to the trees. to the pillow. i weep uncontrollable when i peer at the intriuqte detail of a shiny beetle. yet, i speak harshly about the ways of the western pew-dweller. i plead that i will shine brightly, but rarely do i put forth effort that is life and death dependent. jesus christ was sent by god in order that the world may be set free from the cords of sin, that entangling so darn easily. FREEDOM TO DANCE INTIMATELY WITH THEIR HOLY CREATOR. not, simply so jasmine may have this nice conclusion as to the way the world works. no. yes, i am invited into the holy of holies so i too may see and know this God, this creator, this lover, this saver. it is so much more than, about my plans for the day or week, or year. it is about more than, what guy i am attracted to. more than, my successes- more than my failures. more than, screaming just to scream. so, through all of this-- God has not changed. he is just still in the buisness of changing the hearts and minds of persons who turn to him and allow the smidgen of faith they are able to muster up and ask that he again simply be God. i have been offering my smidgen of faith. and he is still good and he is still God. *i watched "bring it on" with emma today. i kind of wanted to be a cheerleader. i kind still do. *amber is in the air. yup, right now. flying to her home. *a major community leader in boyceville died when a vehicle hit him while he was on his bike. he has a couple kids. his wife is the elementary principal. this family is hurting. this community is hurting. ...things change- just like that... *i watered the plants at one of the house-sitting homes today. jolene, too bad you can't see me now. i am growing up. it has been a long time since the cheeto foliage... oh, gosh-- and i changed my oil. well. my dad has showed me how about 4 times now, i still don't get it- so i took it to a place where the guys with grease deep under their nails are friendly. they changed it. but i got a sticker in my window and it makes me happy. so now are you due for an oil change, or... have you checked your oil level lately? i hear it is a good thing to be at least somewhat conscious of. bye. continue on, ok?