private road construction, eh?

i really enjoy reading the blogs people write which explain their daily events, etc...: bethany- you said it yourself... (live journal, oh, live journal); kyle- it is seemingly just your way, as of late; brad- you do it at times. don't try to deny it. i like reading these, i truely do. however; when i try it myself-- i feel so boring. why is that?
_so, today. i slapped my alarm at 4:00. fell back asleep. than awoke in a start, and toss my covers off. (how are you doing?) i dressed. i drove. i punched in. i dressed others... and now i am in front of a blaring screen. that is today-- so far... enough about today.
***i am questioning again. honestly, i am glad i am. it may be problematic if the wondering ceased.
-i wonder about the way my opinions are formed. -i wonder about my lack of courage. -i wonder about the grass on "the other side." -i wonder about the people that wave through the window of the vehicle speeding by. -i wonder about seemingly petty things like overheard gossip about strangers i don't know, and the actual color of the sky above-- or if it is simply the way our eyes and brain react with one another, and the meaning of the book of revelation. -i wonder about human existance, and my heart aches-- though i am unable to pin point all of the reasons why. i think about the fact that i have money to live on for a long time, and how so many stomachs are hollow at present. i think about how the rest of this liberary is quiet right now, but how i am raging inside with a voice that i do not know how to still. i wonder about the god, who said it is a new day-- i think about how it seems to me this day is boring and drab. -i wonder about the lives of the people that i work for and next to. -i wonder about my own life, and i can't help but think that there must be more to this LIFE-- because by medical definations i am living, yet, by others senses-- i am far from it. still. i am here. and here is where i must live.
*my neighbor died last week. car accident. *there is a truck/ bus accident that is all over the news right now. the truck driver was 22 yr.s old and had a suspended liscense. the bus was one amoung several that were returning from a band competition. it was a smaller school not an hour from where i grew up. *the earthwake aftermath. *the hurricanes that came and are scheduled to continue to come. *i am sure there is more. sad junk. crap that sucks. stuff that just shakes you up and can make a person, or many... crazy. i don't get. i know the "right" answers. but actually? i don't get it. it shakes me up to. *my other neighbors, that my mom just visited last night-- living, hurting, proverty, etc. i don't understand. i have a job that i complain about, but i can feast. my muscles ache, but my body moves. ... i could go on. i don't understand so much. why does the sky appear blue? why do people say they are fine when they are far from it? i don't know.
i do know: i can not deny that god breathes life into those who seek him. that might be all i know today. that might be enough.
---do you think studios down by the river in st. paul, mn are way expensive? probably. perhaps, i will live by a tree. i do like trees.
---do you think i will have enough heat this winter to get a parakeet? there are free ones that were advertised in the paper. but you know... i really don't want to freeze an innocent bird either.
---i really enjoy the community stuff.
---i really do not like the sound of boasting.
---i sometimes think that "really" is approriate. this is contrary to the opinion of one admired english instructors.
yeah. bye. really. good bye.