build a bed, maybe THIS for now

"Its as strong as a regular bed, environmentally-friendly and great for people who move frequently. And you instantly have 10 boxes worth of storage space under your bed!"- some guy

ok, i'll eat.

i have come to realize that i need to set up a eating schedule for these overnights. maybe we will try this: A LOT of healthful snacks. yogurt, nuts, dried fruit, cheese curds, crackers, vegtables, jerky... i typically eat this stuff already, but maybe i need to atempt bagging up some and bringing it to work. usually, i bring a meal but one, two, or three rolls around on the clock and i am not hungry at all, then i get more sleepy. i think i will try this ditty very soon. ask me, how goes it.

angry easter

happy easter. i said it. i plastered on a smile, and uttered the words several times throughout the day. initaiating the traditional saying for most of the encounters...

while participating in the weekend communication with my parents, a highlighted bit of the conversation centered about the 'holiday' and forced realizations, awakening anew. between the easter falling on varying sunday dates each year, and the fertility gods being summoned, i felt myself unable to offer lulls in the conversation. i am a fan of chocolate bunnies and cadbury eggs just as much as that child with ---- finish later.

they are sleeping now

kombucha. even the fermented mushroom tea drink traci gave me isn't seeming to energize at present. it is good though, try some.oh people. i love them. relationships demand involvment and that at times, can be exhausting, and oh so enlightening and energizing at others. interesting indeed.people interaction today:work team: 3 hr mtg 1 male/ 15 females.matter of fact phone calls to dear friends due to the buisness state mindset i was in.receiving voicemails from individuals i probably should have called back straight away.reconnecting with wisconsin friends via reply notes and phone calls.reconnecting with minnesota kids the same way.you guessed it, the same with the denver folks.hearing a family member's heart ache and beat for a moment before it was time again to hope for connection another day.building new bonds with semi new treasured ones.missed calls.text messages to offer an in on the loop.allowing vulnrability to meet on the couch alongside of the roommates on several occasions.then i had a loaded shift change offered as pivitol information.and the moon was bright and the people went to bed.and i think about them now. all of the exchanges of hope and stillness, the disclosure of life, simply communicating due to some sort of trust level. i wonder what interactions may occur tomorrow.i basically heard somewhere that people are pretty darn important... so, perhaps, it is rather important to be exhausted from the involvment at times-- be exhausted and be energized both-- but regardless, do be involved.so maybe it is that i am attempting this involvment within community (of mankind) moreso, or if it has to do with my first night back on- and yet again, it was seemingly approriate to wave fare thee to the sun for several days... i eat another chocolate kiss sent from wisconsin and i will drink another bit of kombucha while deciphering the actualities.

long awaited closure

eight months ago. i had this dear friend. things got mucky. he wanted something. i did not. i wanted something. he did not. we parted without discussion. no more lengthy hugs. no more deep gazes. no more anything. severed ties. it was appropriate. but it hurt. i wondered about his life. i asked the mutual crowd and i was silenced. days went by. i learned to pretend i was letting go. i learned to control my expression when his name was brought up- for the most part. i miss him. a lot. tears came. i would let go. only to take back. my tears dried. i still would wonder, but the acheing was not alongside. three days ago. i saw him. i stood next to him, hands shoved in my jacket pockets. my body tense but still. my mind caught in a "what is going on" mode. he asked how i was. my left jacket pocket ripped. "good. you?" "good. still at the same place?" "still there. are you still living and working at the same locations?" "yeah. are you doing ok?" "i am. are you doing alright?" "yeah. it's good to see you jas." "thanks. this is weird. i am going to go now." "ok." "ok. bye." "bye." i left with my ripped pocket, shocked state of surrealism. i left and i knew he was ok. and i was ok. and it was such a goodbye. i love him, regardless. but the closure was timely. i wonder whats next.

vainity, plastic bags, and humility

usuually i don't care what-so-ever about appearences. for a long time this statement included my own appearance. i went through a season soon following the college expeirence where i relized the drastic measures i went to "seemingly" not care were a bit out of line, if indeed i was selfless.
new awakening. i am selfish. surprise.
i am of the thrift shop shopping- rather not be seen in a mall- hope to not seem too materialistic breed. i have these pants that make my ass look hot. i mean it is hot. and i have this shirt that fits oh so good.
so, i was wearing the 'outfit'.
home depot.
orange paint.
it's was a movie sceence.
i should have been on a comercial.
i said "no" to the bag that was offered. because i am also of the breed that is saving the world one bag at a time. (good word janny.)
and i reach for the keys and the paint fell.
orange.
splatter.
not just a little.
knees down.
art project.
fabulous comercial.
...
i scrubbed the pants. some of the blue denim lightened due to my determination.
they are pants.
they lady gave me a stack of plastic bags.
so much for saving the world that way.

i wonder if the head pain is an approaching flu.

the girls are asleep. i have a raging headache. im in the office with the chocolate pudding bowl, my passport, and the fair trade email list. i still have a headache. i find myself in a position of both excitment and dread. i am weighing heavily the desicions that i am plunging myself into and though perhaps, i say i am thrilled, and i get wild streaks of adventure in my eyes- i would rather not do the hard work what so ever, i would rather not be deadicated or commited or disciplined. i want to twirll in skirts again and feel just that free when involving myself with the hour of everydays. whatever. so i will twirl and be free and work hard to be exhausted at the close of the day, whatever hour that may be.

p.s. i couldn't get a comment on your page lucas. im not one to fret out. im only one to be a massive skeptic until an day comes when i can not longer deny. that day has already been. continue on fellow warrior. i mean it. sparkle, shine.

____
still determining the gladiator. any opinions i should possibilty consider?
take care. all.