i wanted to write something...

but i am not too sure what direction i am currently headed as my finger's-on-the-keys get ahead of me slightly. maybe i wanted to mention that it is lonely in the woods when i don't have much money to set a side for excursions. maybe i wanted to talk about how i am reilaizing more so that people relationships are essential. perhaps i wanted to state that i really do not enjoy washing dishes-- even when the music is playing loudly and i am dancing about in something fun-- the dishes are still not inviting. it could be that i wanted to talk about the squash i had for lunch or the way the rain streaked down every window i peered out this morning and how it refreshed my very inards. maybe i wanted to talk about the laptop that i saw advertised and currently believe it is a worthwhile investment. perhaps i do want to talk about me. even though my socks are mismatched and i had a funny black marker smear across my hand today. even though i have again applied at another (job) location. even though... i still talk about me. i am still absorbed in my self, and my views and my opinions. i still crave for them to be heard. do i long to be pitied? understood? appreciated? probably. i wish it were different. i want to give again and not mind my giving going unnoticed. i long to see people once more as valuable treasures and peices of magnificent creation. i desire to know love. not some sappy romantic junk. rather the depth of genuine adoration and respect and grace poured upon. not nessicarly the care that another offers to a friend, but instead the courage it requires to honestly befriend a stranger with a stained reputation. i want to learn agian how to care. and as i quickly usher this information-- i wonder what it will require of me. me= a girl who dispises dishes. enough about me. i must ask another how they are. i must ask another how their heart beats these days. so i will.

crab legs, ...stalking is exhausting..., a pinched pinky, and girly girl scouts, etc.

welcome to my filtered-for-readership mind. hi.

1. karen and dad: (mom said she kind of likes it when i address her the way the majority of the world does. though i typically mention her name in a jokingly-i'm-so-old, and so-are-you manner. notice how i am now attempting to seriously approach this new-call-your-parents-by-their-first-name-thing. dad, or james william... stated that he would continue to like to be mentioned or beckoned to, by that same noise that come out of my mouth when i was about two. so, dad-- i will continue to do my best. *i am grinning. i like those people.) my parents left for an east coast trip. in fact they drove through NY city yesterday-- and if i were with them, we WOULD HAVE stopped to view oliver twist on the big screen. __if you a presently in NY or LA, go see it. come on, you totally have a week on the rest of the nation! take advantage of that privledge already!-- they get to meet the man (mass.) that amber is serious about... that's cool.-- and go to my mom's side reunion (maine) and expeirence faces and laughter that has not been see or heard in many years. and hang out at the ocean. and eat lobster. oh-my-delicious. ((thus my reasoning for pondering moreso the amazing buttered crab legs that i consumed the other evening. even though i am unable to see the waves, i am still able to feast upon the creatures of the deep. delightful seafood, i like you. thank you for making my tastebuds happy.)) and they'll probably eat cake. i don't know, but i would bet big money on it. usually at larger events-- don't people usually eat cake?
2. a question was brought up a bit ago. when you exchange casual information with another person (whom you don't really know), one person or both saying that it would be fun to hang out-- do you call them back? i am sure the person i was speaking with didn't ask the question in the exact same way that i just pronounced it, though similar... this question was pertaining to the scores of cell phone numbers stowed away (friend thing/ non romantic thing), it may pertain to the numerous email addresses that have been filed electronically... we chatted, and discussed, and attempted to solve the dileama of lack of community, within 47 minutes. just in case, you're wondering-- the issue is not "fixed." just in case, you're wondering-- i believe christ-like living requires community. i think it is much more scarey to 'open up' when one has only been 'closed,' than to be a contestent on Fear Factor... because on the reality program, you have away-from-camera's-view-helper-emergency-people in case anything may go wrong... than, of course, if the god i serve is the same god described in the bible, than, well... heck, bring on the community moreso. connect with the hordes that just sit in the filed address books. one muttered comment was STALKING IS EXHAUSTING which i think is true. every time. ((with people there is an obvious point of annoyance leading to unhealthy crap leading later to possible danger, here me shout: r.e.s.p.e.c.t.)) however, now is see that statement could protray truth in more cirrcumstances... GO COmmUNiTY, because people want it bad-- a lot of people it seems. go coMMunIty. RAHH. RAHH. RAHH. (ha)
3. and yes, my dang pinky was smashed by gordon's side rail. it still hurts. i know this because i keep pressing down on it to see if the pain is still present. why do we do that? inflecting pain upon oneself. shoot.
4. the girl scouts are making beaded things in the back room and listening to cheesy pop music. i used to like in a sort of peer pressured way.
5. i want soup. some thick, creamy soup. i am not sure what kind.---i mailed my last september bills today. it sort feels like i am prematurely bidding my "i wish i could see you again but i NEVER will"'s to september. but i guess that is just how it works.--- the leaves are turning.--- avery is dead. i sort of want a cat. probably not really. i just want something to pet and feed. it is like unhealthly relationship searching after a breakup, i suppose. i don't really know. but maybe. anyways. i am not a cat person. but i would really like to have a little kitty for about a week. than i might not recall avery's death... only the other times.--- last weekend i dressed up and played guestbook lady/presents girl/blue drink server at a good friend's wedding. it was beautiful; the guestbook was, and the wrapping paper, and yes, i was partcularly fond of the laddle... well, and the bride= no doubt: stunning, groom= handsome, for real and the ceremony; beautiful. i was able to reconnect with one of my friends from high school. he is a navy man-- weird, and he has a house-- that is so weird. weird, meaning very neat, i am excited for him, we are so old (but not really-- i take care of a lady who is 103.)... and it is weird, and neat, and exciting to see where he is at now. oh matt. i am proud of you friend.---wonder what's up with hurricane rita. i have only heard little and read before-it-hits-land-predictions...--- i ran out of gas for the first time. i was on the interstate. i was more frustrated that anything else because i could see a sign for the next exit being only one mile away. it was nice to stop a cop, instead of vise-versa. bethany was my first hero. and aaron was my second. he and bethany work together to jump-start my little petrol eater. positive to postive, negative to negative. *yeah. we put gas into it. but than the battery was dead. i totally wish i had a camera. i saw too huge crated trucks with pumpkins. if that doesn't speak fall/autumn, than i don't even know. it was nice to be rescued.---i get to sleep in past four a.m. tommarow. what about yourself.--- sleep tight. when you get there.

that is plenty. now into your mind. shall we delve? ha. let it be a good day. and yes, it is your turn.

avery kersting

you will be missed smelly, beloved dog. you will be missed. RIP

i have this book...

it is on the smallish side. it is red, and hardcovered. across the center it reads
P A S S I O N. and than in the bottom right corner, letters are formed together to read every day. it is a blank book except for these thought-provoking quotes on the bottom edges of the paper as you flip through. (i have made it into a planner thing. not because i am in the mood to be artsy-- nope. i simply ran out of money to purchase predated sheets.) here is today's quote ***err, i am making it be today's quote. enjoy. "Follow your desire as long as you live." -PTAH HOTEP. i don't think i will attempt to alter the fonts for a while. that was sort of an exhausting process._______________ the computers are still dead at home. the liberary does wonders.________________for labor day i visited my grandparents. my grandpa's cancer is on the rise, so that is kind of tough. he is 83 and drives way fast. i always think that it may be the last time my feet touch solid ground every time i get in his vehicle with him. funny adventures. they had a bowl of chocolate kisses that were within eyesight basically the entire time i was there. they really enjoyed the camera phone on my mom's new cell phone._______________ (these words don't got together: mom, cell phone.) oh, and i wasn't invited in on the family plan that my younger sister and parents set up with their new communication method. hilarious. now i simply watch with a shake of my head as they venture out to the left corner of the porch to gain reception.__________ i am looking into apartments in hudson, wi. it is a beautiful boarder town. it is definatly a large town. i wasn't looking at large towns! (i was craving a big city-- not in the midwest region) however... as i have been talking with individuals for the long while... and finally pausing to tie some of it together more recently, it seems the this is the next step. i am thinking a couple years rights now, and that is what is running through my mind as i consider some more things that are revealing themseves... the idea of nursing has raced through mind A LOT. i still wish god would hand me a peice of paper about exactly how this life is to unfold but it seems that i am finalizing some decisions that have been long awaited. peace, for real- has taken over when last week, i first spoke these ideas. now, i must see about enabling them to come about and not simply running with my pipe-dreams._________________i was in the cities over the weekend. it was refreshing. it was nice to know that i am still able to be a defensive driver.________ two of my uncles are in new orleans- helping where they are able to. i long to go. they're might be an oppurtunity to get down there with the church my parent's attend. we will see. for tonight i stand in the northern woods and i pray, for that situation and others.______ night all. i enjoy comments. any kind. (funny-- how did that happen?) *where lays your passion?

a list for one who misses classes. (only one tear trickles down.)

several new notebooks. lotsa pencils. two pens-- black/ medium ball point. a calaculator-- the fancy scientific, way expensive ones that i loan out mid-october and never see again. one plastic backpack-- that my bored 'creative' fingers scribble all over. smelly markers-- because i am now teacher-aged. and a good squared eraser-- the yellowy ones. ***current list subject to change/ expand/ evolve...

ENJOY SCHOOL ALL YOU LUCKY DUCKS WITH HEAVY BACKPACKS, SORE SHOULDERS, AND DUMB BUSY WORK. yes. i am yelling. ENJOY IT. bye.

new orleans

insurance company closed due to hurricane. i was mad. raging. now i just wait for the winds to clam themselves so i can call again.

((welcome to the evening's Long Blog. the title was meant to forewarn of length alone.))

*I CAN not continue any longer down this path that I have been trudgging.

*Dry are my eyes. They crave tears. My heart is on the verge of being broken. I cling for control and yet that is what must be lost.
*His name is freedom. My eye are fixated upon his and I can not help but lust. I have grown up to understand that lust is a wrong act. Something by which I must run from. This attraction is not impure, this attraction I feel has been motivated by the very one who enables me to breath. Freedom simply lives. I long for that.
*I laughed at the girls who envied her. She was my friend. I loved her. I had reason to envy her. But it is hard to truly love someone and truly envy someone at the same time. Believe me, I tried.
*"Tell the story." A voice echoed within my hurting body. I grasped to unearth the words that did not naturally flow from the depths of my existance. I dug to capture my raw emotional insight, but my mind remained clouded and in pain. The thoughts could not be roped to be put on display at moments notice.

__________I am not sure when I wrote that. I just found the words that were strung together hidden away electronically… As for my voice tonight; here goes. The week has been busy. Quite. I have really enjoyed most parts of it though tonight I am exhausted and my reflection looks tired. The shift I work at present is from 5:30 am until 2:00 pm. It has been a good change from my typical afternoon and evening shifts. It has been neat to see the new day peeking out from the edge of darkness. I like getting off at 2:00 and knowing that there was a period in my life that I didn’t even get dressed for the day until the clock read pm of some sort. It has been nice.___ I had a crazy overload of evening plans this past week. It seems that my new availability times have been taken advantage of, in a good way. Conversations were laced with vulnerability. Laughter was found in an atmosphere of trust. And sarcasm lingered slightly. Details withheld. If you really want to know I will inform. But, perhaps you don’t and yeah… I am not in the mood to write them out if you don’t really want to hear. ENOUGH. Good times with old friends and new friends and ducks.___________My lovely friend, Shandi, was brave enough to confront me about some things about myself that I did not see. I have wanted to pick up and get-out-of-town for a long while. I have been antsy. She enlighten me about my relationship tendencies: great with interactions with strangers, bad at the bridge from acquaintances to friends, loyal with those whom are choosen companions. In other words, I have a lot of "friends" but few whom I truly consider my FRIEND, persons I am able to just BE while I am in their presence. So, it takes me a long time to make these FRIENDs. …therefore… if I run far, my network will not be as near as it is at present. (…but I have these sorts of FRIENDs throughout this nation and others… hmmm. Maybe Shandi just wants me around physically a bit longer. Ha.)_______I was supposed to go to a fish fry tonight with Christa, whom I met while I was working at the shop. We are going to do it next week hopefully because of exhaustion it is not happening this eve… The pictures down below are of my last day at the shop. They all wrote little notes on a blanket and the break table’s room was filled with flowers and gifts (those incredible velcro shoes!) and food. Anyways. I have been up to visit and it has been good. Tough to leave. Time to leave. Tonight when Christa and I chatted on the phone—it seemed as if I worked there yesterday._________Plans. I don’t know. I am realizing finally that it is ok to not know. So, yeah—I still have new ideas and new inklings every other day. I will need to choose and just go after that, in a bit—but tonight, I think it is ok to not really know. Tomorrow will take care of it’s self, eh? I think I have heard that somewhere._________ My parents were just informed recently that they could go to Sudan to work with a missionary from my uncle’s church if they are interested. So, new things are unfolding. We’ll see. ________Emma is planning on heading to UW Superior to study Art Therapy on Tuesday. I think she should join a sorority.___ I actually just got done on the phone with Amber. She knows hot guys I could make out with but not to have a crush on because they are flaky. Next time I get to Boston, I’ll just meet them. Funny. Anyways. She is good. Her birthday is really soon. Thee forth. I like her a lot. Not just because I am supposed to like her/ love her—nope. I actually really enjoy her and I wish I could attend the-movie-viewing-through-the-projector-while-I-am-in-a-plastic-lawn-chair-arranged-in-the-back-yard-of-one-of-her-friend’s-place with her…that would be nice. But instead I am typing a really long blog, and I am writing you—whomever you are. Do you want to tell me who you are? I am leaving. Nowish. Until next time.

-***-, I forgot that this computer is unable to connect up with the scanner. No ALCO pictures it seems. It is like a movie. Little shops with vests and tags and highschoolers and old people. It could totally be a movie. Emma and I think so.