burn denver is soon. come.

im typing with my left hand only. my right one is assisting in consumption, a cookie with which lazee proudly took from the wrapper last night, sliced, and proceeded to bake on a pan in the oven. dough from the store... hmmm. lazee, your terrific. just a bit ago i woke to trish saying my bathroom ceiling was leaking. what? oh dear. we got a big pot, and it has since stopped.____________________beautiful. i just got hooked-up with one of the hospitals. many night shifts. this able body is going to going to get well rested and give it a go. ((next week)) ***oh, tomorrow night is denver burn. 24 hours of prayer and worship. here we go. ill bet. later. now. stopped by sox, for a moment. it was good to see missed faces once again ______read this somewhere, and found myself encouraged, "I am afriad my heart has become entangled. I have ceased to want God, ceased to give Him honor and adoration, and now I find myself peering at my reflection, quite discusted at what I see. I have turned into a worrier, a complainer, and a bit of a self-absorbed brat. I say I want to learn the hard asspects of love knowing full well that I am capable and willing to manuver about manipulativly. I say I hate Christians but what I truely despise is peering at them, and seeing my own self. I need a savior. I have a savior. Oh, Lord quiet this restless heart." ok now, im out. needing a savior this day. later all.

catch-up, one tuesday in march

this day has been glorious. i received a text this morning wishing me a "glorious day," and am happy to declare that it has been thus far. thank you, miss jenna. i took a walk to the grocery store in the sun-- i had to fax some paperwork and purchase brownie mix. but with my jeans and t-shirt, adorned with the makeshift cardigan, i was too toasty. i made it there, but on the return trip i ripped off the extra layer. i comptemplated whether i should take my shoes and socks off. alas. i did not. now, after a cool down bath and eating half a pan of brownies, i feel a bit sick in my grass green skirt and barefeet. the brownies were on sale-- two boxes of betty crocker for three dollars us-- thats beauty. so, i am sipping organic blueberry juice in attempt to counteract what is occuring in my body. im not sure if it is working. i chatted with betty and shandi on the phone this morning. can i tell you people are lovely? the interactions were wonderful and i am glad we were able to connect up again. for the past many months i have been at the restruraunt and improving my social networking, as some might say. i was still involved at sox place, and still attended scum of the earth church. i would love on the people at the restruraunt and allow them to care about and for me. it seem good. throughout this time... my anger towards christians elevated, and the bitterness towards god grew. i was tired of pursuing, i was tired of trying. so, i didn't. i still knew that god was actual. but i didn't get his love. somewhere i had forgotten that it wasn't earned. somewhere i misunderstood, or perhaps it never truely sunk in that i didn't have to "try." anyways. a colorado sweetheart sent me away. i had left the restruraunt and was in the process of typing updated resumes when a conversation with her lead to a four day mountian venture. i was to leave the next day. i did. i was quieted. i was bored. then god loved on me. i fought it. i let him. he told me stuff. i fought it. and i was quited again. and i ate shrimp cocktail and i saw new places i had never seen previously. so. that was now weeks ago. the things that i believe god spoke and reminded me of still encourage and haunt me, this day. there is a part of me that is counting the cost of actually discipleship, but there is another bit of me that simply says "just be, and let him love you." so, yeah. god. and i stepped away from scum, for the time being and sox. i need jesus. not minstry persay, or um the niceites of church. not this moment. maybe when i swallow his love deep again, probably, yes... for sure-- once i let him love me, than more love truely.
oh. art. i had this huge canvas in my room. and now it is back to being white. back to such potential. i like it. trish and i are now going on a walk down town-- only a couple miles-- and it is still beautiful out there. xxx cleaning and bills and probably another brownie await at the house.

tuesday on the couch

later. i will get up but not right this moment. ((that sounds like it has a bit of a hidden meaning... it sort of does. *i am just not going to delve into the conversation during this hour.))

__yesterday, i returned to the rectangular state entitled, colorado. surreal moments in the hills of wisconsin and the high rises of downtown minneapolis, i than returned to the ghost town of the west. i am glad i am back. sort of. it is appropriate. and it is good. i have truly been offered amazing oppurtunities in this place during this time. i am a runner. and i should perhaps, consider that when also attempting to figure out what is occuring in my life presently. (*and not run from it?)

trees. skyline. becky. rachelle. crown nostalgia. no billy. tattoo. shandi. john. reily. annies palour. sarah o. sarah f. pregnancies. 36th. jason. ice cream cone. hwy 94. menomonie. wal-mart. katie. lynnae. lyndsay. jamie. dove. whispers. culvers. shawn. wedding. puffy lamb. mark. erin/brent. hs: leah, andrea, phil, amy, sandy, liz, tom. giggles. jeff/jim? ernie/bert? danny. rain. playing. stuarts...grape, key lime, cherry, origanl root beer pop shots. stories. string cheese. pumpkins. dirty stashes. movies. late night drive to exit 45. bethany. foot soaking. slight yelling. sweet dreams. coffee. omleattes. late. doughnuts. robyn. james. the sarahs. bethany. god? rhonda. cassie. darren. randy. libby. eden. ginger. roger. marsha. jenni. exhausted. new husbands/wifes. new pregnancies. new babies. new stories. new people. fudge. packers. dave. dody. laughter. grass. multiple marys. nap. senior pictures. dirt stains. park. posing. leaves. clear water in clear water. bear. zeal. heated car. bright stars. lots of questions. feast. olives. communication. sky streak. coffee. airpoill rt. more coffee. sleep. more sleep. male flight attendent. mountians.
((my parents are in maine. amber is in salem. and emma is in scottland. with that being stated, i truly did feel as if i was visiting family. and that was lovely.))

ok. now i will get off the couch. now is the time.
love you all.
love you from this ghost town.
((by the way... god is the same in the lush enviroment as well as the arid. i change. but he is the same. and i am still alive. god is still very much in me. what are those verses? those promises. that i now must cling to and remind my existence because i am not able to cast responsibility to another. so, i ask instead: pray. to the only true holy god. because... friends-- there is one. ONLY one though. so, crap. that means a lot. i get to dance. but right now i feel rather crushed.))
ok. the bag of candy corn is gone. the laudry's cycle has been completed. and i must move from the presence of this small dog. ((yes. our new housemate has a small dog. you know how i feel about this.))

i used to fast on thursdays

i think that may have been why thursdays have been my favorite for quite some time now... i wrote a note to jesus on the back of a receipt today. maybe tomarrow, i will get a note in return. *today, i worked a lunch shift as a server. it was the first day they didn't regulate my tables. i broke three hundred in sales, which means it is a fairly good lunch. there were two other 'white shirts.' the customer flow was consistent. troy showed me how to do a proper cashout, and i joked around with minnesotian jeremy and lovely angelina. chef chris 'watched my back' as i climbed up on the bread station to change a light bulb. new days and what they bring...*i then stayed for family meal. eggplant parm. and fett. sup.-- yum. *jenna was doing envelope work, yeah-- i guess i am not going to be there in a little while. i hope they got stuffed. those envelopes...*brought some cash and a check to my friends at wells fargo. we spoken with light hearted banter about the benifits of coffee and red wine. not mixed. *i rode home on my squeaky bike. (tomarrow, i truely do need to grease that timid beast up.) *kris, lazee and i drove in the 'rollerskate' to KMart. we purcahsed an $80 vaccum cleaner. i feel old. it was a good purchase but... *laundry didn't happen. financil figuring, did not occur... woody and trish decided on going bowling. i was leaning towards a no-go BUT i had been wanting to hang out with them... so, i went. after two bowls of late evening raisin bran i figured i could lace up the bowling shoes and bond moreso with some of the fun people who live in the same house i now reside in. it was good. some gutters, a strike- a fifth place game. remeeting people. i smiled, and i meant it. *now i am lying in bed, casually tossing a rollo in my mouth. there was a deal a KMart, lazee and i both bought two bags. *i think i might go to bed now. love you. me

myspace notes.

AUGUST 19
summertime heat
loosed in the freedom of a relentless affair/unsure of what persquaded the current stance/brief hesitencies cling to initial decisions/twirling under the cloud's heavy shadow/expecting contradictions to not withstand/lengthy minutes puzzle past assumptions/movement deciphered through unpredictable whispers/quickened paces with prolonged melodies/volumized silence and colorless brilliance lull this wrecked being
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AUGUST 1o
.downtown.
it is nice to live in the city again. i do not think the suburbs and i mesh together. we manage, we politely co-exist-- but ahhh, we don't mesh, nor meld, nor compliment each other in the appropriate way. that is all. that is my take on the last seven months of living in the suburbs. ((and jolene, is amazing. you need to meet her. you have no choice. i am telling you, you must.)) and it is nice to see the tall buildings and snooze in the sleepy haze of the street lights. nice.the space i have is begining to feel like 'home.' i still have boxes to unload and file neatly away accordingly. i live with 5 others currently. "crunchy, crazy, goodness" is the entitled cereal i am anticipating and expecting to daily indulge in. if, that is the expeirence could be abbreviated to the name upon a cereal box. oh, 5 amazing people, and 3 cats...i'm out. bye now.
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AUGUST 6
learning to be
recently, i have been driven to actual christianity. whatever that means. i don't know. i don't get it. i am hungry for truth, if there is indeed truth. i have been questioning moreso my upbringing and i have been attempting to sort through christian-ise and what the bible states. if that is, the bible is true. i am weary of smiling, and playing the "nice church girl" game. if the jesus is god's son, and persons are to live as he did... the implications scare me. they terrify me. ((i've heard, this man was not "approved" by the religious leaders, he truely loved people, he got angry, confronted individuals, called people to more, and spoke in metaphors that not many understood... ))when the the "sunday school feltboard stories" are not watered down and sugar coated, they are messy tales about persons who bleed and cry, are stubborn and lonely, and some are ushered into transformation.i want to say i am excited. but i am not. but, i would rather actual get to know this god that i hear rumors about than, pretend like i know and continue to smile out of ignorance.what the hell. so, is there a Lord that tossed the stars into the beautiful constellations that we like to trace with our fingertips as we are laying in the back of the jeep?i read the bible at the bartop last night. the book of james goes really well with miller light. i sort of surprised myself. only because, i used to think the two activies couldn't appropriatly mesh. once agian, i am attempting strip away my preconceived opinions/ ideas with christianity--- and i was stopped in my tracks... and i think i'll do it again.
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JULY 26
new addition to the lengthy list
.travel to ireland
.run more
.learn to folk dance, and ballroom
.give really good blow jobs
.make a tee-shirt skirt with shirts i wore in jr. high
the list continues, and it is extensive and growing. this morning, when i finally rolled out of bed and stumbled into the hall, jolene appeared taken back. moments earlier i had greeted her with louder-than-i-had-intended- and-apparently-more-spunky... "hello."
i was on a high. future plans materizialized in my mind. current pipe dreams would perhaps, morph into reality. for the moments prior to greeting my roommate, i lay pondering the possibilities. and it was BEAUTIFUL.
i added "backpacking forgien lands, for real" to my book of-- 'are you living the moments that you have been given, jas.'
and for now... i wonder, oh, do i wonder what today holds. chatting with the little lady at the liberary. uncovering the telephone number of a friend from home. learning about the recent union of two individuals that i hope only good things for. eating cereal. giggling with a four year old. l i f e. i am longing to drink deeply, and often.
*yesterday i received a letter from one of the girls that a meet when i was in russia in '99. it was the first time i had hear from her. amazing. those connections one makes with individuals, who knows when lives will than collide agian. i was in awe. and i think i may still be. yes, awe.
((so, who wants to do a several month backpacking venture? or...um...what are you dreaming about?))
xxx
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JULY 11
a pirate in the apartment
last night, jolene brought the captian sparrow life-size cardboard cut-out home from b&n. it is ridiculous. and i love it, like i love squash. mr. j.depp with amazing dreads and fancy boots will be residing upright in northglenn until the end of this month and than he will be transitioning to minnesota. if you would like to contact him, you will need to be interviewed briefly be jolene. and no, the dreads cannot be cut off.
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JULY10
productivity.
i think that spelling is at least mostly correct. and yes, that word captures my current "ness." helped a bit at the italian place this morning, than did the cell phone thing... it took a bit of clock watching and pacing though i attempting not to sigh too heavily... the number is the same-- and yes, i want to talk to you. hit me up if you don't have it *a friend at work made up a great accranim. and yes, that is wrong. and no, i am not going to look it up. the little wisconsin rollerskate passed his emissions check: and i am so proud of him. and than we ventured off again together to get hard green and white plates with mountians. weird. that is today so far. and the rocks on this site morphed into and ferris wheel. amazing. and i would like to ride one again. ((dunn co. fair please)) would you? cotton cady, perhaps?
mom and dad were in colorado last week. it was good. crazy smiles with italian decor. a lit up and rain upon red rocks show. a movie that made us all laugh and cry both. a gorge, that i still don't get. an elvis horoscope. shots and candy land with the neighbor boys/men. a red rollerskate with a steering wheel. ziti in the springs. road floods. long chats with karen and jim both. wonderful. you should meet them, i think you'd like um.
ok. i am out. enjoy today. or not. it will still be.
xxx
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JUNE 26
monday monday
i lost the phone a bit ago. the computer that i purchased failed to turn on after two days of useage. i am yearning to scream about something, but um, i find myself instead genuinely grinning at customers. i am not sure what the deal is..._and what does joy look like_ church, last night confirmed some stuff. which i want to say is ironic-- but it isn't, at all. i missed the bus this morning. than asked an individual at the bus stop to use their cell phone: denied. am i scarey? is "no" easier to pronounce than "yes"? i wondered what my actual reasons are behind the initial statements/ answers i offer, when asked about various things. oh. ramblings, how i love thee. and, clear nail polish (which i finally found on my bedroom floor) how i love thee, as well.
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MAY 3
a story
i finally decided to answer "nay" to an amazing oppurtunity at hand. perhaps, i had really screwed this one up. immediatly after i went on both a job search and a "what is really next jas" search.
when you have a passion and a desire to someday work with street kids oversea, perhaps, loans are an important issue to deal with straight away. perhaps.
when you are idealist in nature but a crappy "follow througher," it is vital to have goals with little boxes for daily or monthly check-offs. for real.
((i am still looking for another/ full-time job, and um, laundry is on my list for things to be achomplished soon.))
prior to the colorado transition, i was to begin nursing schoool in january. for your information, i opted on the move when it boiled down to it. yeah, i found out about the oppurtunity in november, and um i was here in the middle of december. ((it seems like things happen quickly in my life at times...))
so, after i had decided "no," and i was checking around for jobs and filling out applications moreso, i called some schools to chat about their nursing programs. it seemed everyone was on a two to three year waiting list except for this one place. i chatted with the girl and she told me that they begin to accept applications into the program next week so the timing in my inquiry call was pivitol. we set up a tentative time to meet.
i went to an interview for a job, and totally didn't call this girl from the college. so, yeah-- i stood her up. JERK. ((i had decided at this point that the schooling would lead to further loans-- and i dreaded that whole idea.)) i returned from the interview and our phone rang. it was 10:30 in the morning. what the. it was the girl.
the story continues... but i need to get to work in a few minutes.
turns out there were 30 slots. im in. i don't get it. but it sure seems like a god thing.
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APRIL 21
flag football anyone?
i was walking in the hot sun about 20 minutes ago, and to my left an entire herd of sixth graders waited for further instruction as their visor wearing gym teacher strutted about with her clip board. ((i had a female phy. ed. instructer. more on that later, perhaps. or maybe not.)) you are right, the awkward-aged students did not calmly, and patiently plant themselves on the dry grass until she informed them of what was next-- do you remember sixth grade? boys with shaggy hair were leaping up and smacking the top of the soccer goal, girls in matching shorts and tee shirts were hudled together talking exclusively. i walked on. wearing my jeans; i did not have my running shoes laced up and over my feet, and my red or yellow flags were not flapping in the breeze that every once in awhile came unexpectedly by. i hope they enjoy the game. i wish grass stains upon them all!
and let me know, because i would totally be up for a game of flag football, or field hockey... maybe i will do a bit of crab walking this evening to still this sudden urge to participate in those memories of old once again. you can crab walk too.
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APRIL 8
the control that i can't have but that i want so bad Current mood: -s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d--s-t-i-l-l-
"Today, I would like everything to be perfect according to me."
please put me in bangladesh. or back at the airport, smelling adventure. don't give me an address. i don't want to be sitting. i want to be running. racing through the rich, green countryside in ireland. i would make noises at the sheep, and they would make an animal-like response accordingly.
if i were in Colorado-- i would be hiking at a high altitude, and probably gasping for a breath as i peered about at the beauiful raised landscape. i would listen to the birds, and pause to notice their vibrant feathers. i'd laugh and i'd play outside a bit longer, because the sun will still be out and blazing...
but i am in Colordo-- though i am at a high altitude, i am low in comparison to those mountians over yonder. recently, i have been coming to a different understanding about the position that i have choosen in the past and that i also, pick for this day-- and i tell ya: it is really hard for me to let go. ((...attepting to be vauge and personal at the same time. lovely contradictions.)) to loosen my grasp on the things that i want, i offer my clenched fists with tears streaming down my face. to look beyound my idealist self, though my inner voice screams in utter dismay. to know that GOD is in control, i still beg to see l.i.f.e. sifted through for my personal understanding and commentary.
i thought i had it down pat. but, once agian-- i do not. not really at all. and that is not comfortable, nor pretty, nor clean. to me it is terrifying, and choatic, and messy. my roommate likes to remind me that not knowing is the beauty of it all, at which point i remind her that i sometimes really like the pradictable tales verses those with surprise twists.
oh, control.
i am sick of this wrestling match. exhausted.

that is just today. and the beauty of it. whatever that means...

sleeping until noon

i keep doing it. i continue to sleep until noonish, even if i set the alarm for earlier or make a list of great-morning-intentions the day prior. so, my body yearns for sleep and because i don't allow it to find itself in a resting position until the early hours of the morning... it will not allow for itself to be roused before it is energized again. hmm. maybe tonight i will go to bed before the morning hours.

i have not written in a long time. no guilt. no shame. but now there are a multitude of avenues that i could delve into, various paths we could trot upon.

we'll trot down THIS path. the one were i offer brief intros to longer stories for another time---

i live in a house with five other humans and three cats. ((we had a house party over the weekend and i was floored by how many came from scum. and i liked it a lot.))

emma, my younger sister, left for scottland yesterday. ((study abroad adventure. she will be living in a castle.))

i wear a white shirt and black pants at work now. ((yes, i have made the transistion from a host to a server. however, tonight i will be only wearing black... training new hosts. flashback moments. --oh. and i need help opening wine bottles. so, let me know if you want to have a wine and cheese party.))

god is good. i don't understand. he shows me but i am fighting against. silly? i don't know-- this is where i currently stand.

my parents are renting out our house. (( i am planning on returning to wisconsin for a wedding in september-- but i won't be 'home.'))

there we have it. that is a nice spicy dash, right? jas is back. for right now.
to-da-lou .weird.

no june bugs

*i finished putting the bike together at "derailer." it is a beauty. it is just a practical transportation mobile... i might start on a sweet-looking cruiser. that one has a basket. ((wink.))

*work has been crazy. i have been there a lot.

*i have funny stories. my sandles broke in the liberary so i walked about barefoot, i lost my phone but this guy thinks i am lying, noodles necklaces, etc.