i wasn't going to write.

but, i changed my mind. (didn't what you to be disappointed bethany b.) it is late. or really early. perspectives... anyways. amber is coming home. actually, her plane supposedly landed in the cities on wednesday-- yeah, she is doing the 'friend mingling' prior to greeting her own blood-kin. i am just excited. excited to she her. and hug her. and hear her stories. and see her new tattoo that she is quite happy about. saturday is emma's big 'ol bash for her recent departure from high school. she has been getting all the mail. it has come to the point where i appreciate receiving bills-- just so i can start a stack of my own for the week. yes, it is a contest. emily. emily. oh-big-fat-one-for emily. james and karen. james. emily. oh, how i so subtly complain. of course, there have been times when i've received heaps of mail-- and pretty soon i just don't open them because i am sick of ripping the envelope that was purposfully sealed. actually, i am happy for emma. and thankful for all of these willing to "sacrifice" a stamp to congratulate. her smile is brilliant.___ tonight i watched 'secret window' with my dad. i have seen it before. it is a good amount of scary for me. i thought, "just in case, i get too freaked out-- he is in the room with me." this reasoning worked fine until, he started snoring really loudly. i laughed. then, i called to him. he woke up and decided to trot of to bed. i love that man. i was just fine watching the remaining bit in the dark by myself. (yes. i am still awake. but it has nothing to do with that...)__what to discuss with a screen that blares light alone, in the wee hours of the morning?__ the boys kept spraying old, stinky, colone and snazzy new guys' deodorant at the shop today. seriously. it is bad, i try to be stern and somewhat authorative with them when things could-soon-be-out-of-hand, but i end up cracking up. well. they are hilarious. "yes, it totally smells like my grandpa." "ooh. yeah. i like that one." "for real. stop spraying them. i have to be over here for awhile and i can already feel the on-set of a headache." "leave. now." by the conclusion of the entire ordeal, this was my only remark to the recent h.s. male grads who work at the shop: "i smell like a boy." i waved goodbye. they laughed, and continued to laugh.__ i went running. dusk. i thought i would see some deer. nope. only avery weaving throughout the tall ditch grass. he kind of prances like a fawn though. prancing dog. you could not even deny it if you saw him.__ i am leaving. consistency is grand isn't it? until a couple days from now... maybe.

the acoustic atmosphere

im not sure what exactly occured today that suddenly changes all of my previous ravings about acoustic cafes... but what i know for sure, at this point, is that i will not enter into the shop on the corner of main and hwy 25 without a moment of rememberance tossed towards this day. it really isn't a big deal. i should just drop it already. i will. i guess i will.__ a man was painting at the next table over. with oil. on little canvas slabs. he had all of these funky metal objects that he kept digging into his work with. i suppose it was to make it better. and supposed it did make it better. i am not really sure. i wrote. and looked about. and ate my tomato florintine. then left because i was disgusted. not about the soup. not about the painting. i took my lemonade and bid farewell to my new painting friend. anyways. i will probably go back. to acoustic's. just not over the lunch hour.__ i wasn't scheduled to work today. that was odd. the district manager is coming tomarrow so it was only recovery today. i am sure it was a mad house over there.__ i am going into the cities on friday to see about a job. there is this place that wants live-in caregivers. i would quit the other job, and just do the live-in thing on the weekends. it pays well. and i'd be with people. and i would have time to write. it will be hard when they die or when i have to go... but at least it wouldn't be saying goodbye to forty people, and at least you could count on five people not passing away in one week. that will be friday that i get to hear more about the entire possible situation.__ i heard about this amazing juice. it is called Xango. you can read more about it if you go to this link. www.mymangosteen.com i plan on trying it as soon as i have a chunk of money that isn't quite spoken for. i wonder if it is really as wonderful for your body as they make it sound?__ i jumped on the trampoline with my little friends today. maston. debbie. i like you. and my legs feel healthy because you kept asking me to play and i decided to go for it.__ i am reading crime and punishment. i like the form. long sentences that start you with one emotion but leave you wrestling with another. the plot- i am getting into it.__ two families asked me to house-sit for a couple weeks coming up. well, since your in town... "sure. i'll do it. it is not a problem at all. just let me know the specifics about the dog and the fish and the lawn and the plants and whatever else you have that is in need of support while you are off dancing in the south." house-sitting. thats cool right? i don't know. if i ever move out of my parent's place. (maybe i should stay. they treat me pretty decent. and i am entitled to at least one balanced meal a day.) i might just live in the car. for real. park it in well-lit areas and get the needed r.e.m., but besides that- i don't really need a place. the car has a roof. if i run out of books i could just drive to a book shop and get at it. i even have cup holders. my glass of water has a higher chance of being spilt on the kitchen table than when it sits in the holder. see, no need for a kitchen table, no need for a house. if my car is messy, my posse could always attend gatherings on the hood... enough. whatever. "yes. i will house-sit. and i will even be nice to your dog... if he's nice to me."

a delicate one, that i was obviously too forceful with.

getting out of bed

some friends of mine have started a young adults sunday school. i had planned to get up for it. i didn't. usually, i enjoy going to church-- but this morning i had rather not peel open my eyelids. the dog started barking-- so i reluctantly climbed out and let him frolic in the great wilderness, while i rushed back to the warm covers and my dream (i was having a good one). i slept for another bit. then i just laid there. i did not want to go to church. the verse about not giving up meeting together-- came to my mind. i dismissed it. a thought about betty showing up and looking for me took over, but i justified it by reminding myself that one should not come in to a "holy place" simply to look about and see if their friends are in attendence. i closed my eyes and felt the pillow taking shape around my head. then i opened my eyes. i looked out the windows. the green-ness on every tree i could spot was shaking and dancing about. another thought came to my mind. the trees were worshiping. the voiceless trees still offered praise. rational thinking took over and i wondered about the great breeze that the weatherman must have made an announcement about. i laid there. breeze or praise, praise or breeze. well if it was praise they were readily offering to their maker, i will not pass up a moment longer to stand with them and declare truth. declare that god is holy and good and righteous... ever if my will would rather submit to a dream and a pillow. so i went to church and than potluck. i loved jesus with others, and i still love jesus with others-- though they are scattered throughout the world and i am not within two feet of some of them at this time. the leaves are still and quiet now. for real. out the window i look. --- and the dizziness has departed. i turned down the job offer. the looking continues. i am not worried. and libby and darren had a baby girl on friday night. eden elizabeth. beautiful. im out. today i get to budget and clean and write and look for more jobs and talk with melissa.

light headed

i had a blue rasberry dum-dum on the way to work today. i didn't think about the blue tounge until i checked my teeth in the mirror. blue lips, blue teeth, blue tounge. i than guzzled some water and popped in a strawberry one- to down play the horrified looks i was now anticipating from my elders. for the first hour i was just fine; however, those to follow were bad. (i don't blame the dum-dums...but...) i was dizzy and way hot. i was sweaty but my arms felt chilled. i was walking zombie-ish. i couldn't just leave because i was the only one in softlines. but one of the guys came over from hardlines, and helped me straighten the fabric. we laughed about the theraputic magic of cotton. i left when another could replace me. i made some soup and laid down for a bit. i watched "swing kids" while under a quilt. and now im doing computer stuff. so here i am. i feel numb. it is as if the world and all of it's activities are passing before me. like i have to yell in order to break back into reality. it is weird. i don't hurt-- i am just chilly, and slightly light headed, at present. once i fainted at work, my freshman year of college-- i am glad that did not occur today.

my dear friend, Thursday.

i am eating hamburger. it has been a long time since i had meat. i am reminded that i like it. cow-- i like to eat you. yummy. you'll be glad i found out about watergate today. i feel like a smartie. shawn, from work shared his intellect. i listened, and questioned, and listened some more. watergate, oh watergate-- why? (i still like deep and throat put together- although it would be a horrible nickname.) i had the interview. basically if i want it im pretty much in. now im not sure though... it turns out to be only a part time thing. i don't know if i am willing to switch my timeclock around for a part time. i have thought about a lot of various options for right this instant, but just when i want to be willing to do whatever to pay up this money stuff-- i remember that money doesn't really matter... and that people do. so yeah. im not really sure. i want all day to write and take cool pictures (GET A CAMERA ALREADY.- im working on that part-- but i always see really incredible images and wish that it was able to be captured) and meet people but now is not the time-----. i am remembering to live today. the interview guy and i, laughed about country music. it is funny because i don't really like it-- but i do. it was playing on the school bus for all years that i rode and somehow it is engraved-- along with the ABC's and geometery. my roots= country music. funny. oh and i saw betty. she is back in menomonie. we ate dilly bars and just were together for a hunk out of this day. it was really really good... she's amazing. ya'll just need to meet her. (aparently my country-ness is oozing out.) and. i bought the 3 ninjas dvd today. yes, thursdays are the best.

deep throat

(i like those couple of words together. do you?) anyways. i don't get it. i don't really understand the watergate thing. i tryed to in high school when it was first supposedly explained, but even now, i just don't get it... but i read two long articles today about mr. deep throat, in effort to better clue myself into what many others simply stow away as a underlined historical event that took place in america. reading them makes me feel informed-- but i still don't quite get it. perhaps i will be enlightened while my eyes are shut and im in a horizontal position. hmmm. oh, but so do you get it? (in case, my dreams don't provide insight...) night.