now no one else can read this?

i am not sure i buy that. weird.

my hefty rollerskate beast

it is my car.
bumper stickered up; several years ago.
he makes it to Estes Park with the windows rolled down
and the heat cranked up
and the music off
i hear him gasping for some sort of enduring breath
he can make it to Echo Lake
the same precautions are made around the winding incline
churning
i speak words of encouragement
shouting you can do it
so i may visit the mountian goats
after i hike past the picnicing grandparents
but he won't make it to breckinridge
and though i am game for hitchhiking with mates
my high heels tell me i should not make a go of it this time
so i offered my rejection with with slight personal disappointment
as i acknowledged that i do not own a mountain vehical
i owned a gift with racing stripes
i owned a toy that i rarely paralall park
i owned a not-a-gas-guzzler
and i owned a little guy i could traverse the foothills, if i do it carefully
no camping in breck this time around
maybe tubbing in nebraska though

grad school

school counseling.
i'd like to stay in CO.
not totally smitten to Greeley.
but they have a fabulous program.
so does a bunch of places out of the state.
oh, career.
ode to thee.
or... ode to the Great Lord... and you are just a means to love and serve and obey.

we shall see.

asleep on that rock

i missed the coffee date this morning because i fell asleep on the rock. sorry jess. i didn't think that i would fall asleep whatsoever. i had both feet dangling away and immersed in the icey, rushing mountian river water. but i woke with a start and almost fell in. that may have hurt. i am glad i didn't fall in. so i saw her for a minute and then we both had to depart. sheesh. funny. sad. i stayed awake for the mandatory work meetings... Suicide Prevention was on Tuesday and GLBT was on Wednesday. Tomorrow is a client's graduation; so I will stay awake for that, I bet. Well, Thursdays I sleep on the rock. goodness. ((personal time/ people time/ work time-- i think something may be calling for a bit of a more balanced system.))

which first.

i need a new drivers license. and a new check card. and new checks. i lost my offical birth certificate. the people won't let me use the one with the inked baby feet and the fancy seal from the hospital. i found my social security card. my passport was never lost. oh, and new tags for my car. and an emissions check. i would like a horse right about now. i am not complaining. and i have the line up for completion mostly figured out. except i hope nothing gets lost in the mail. apparently, if the new sticker/ tag placement on the mountain plates is not done by the last day of the month, i may be facing a year of imprisonment. if that happens, send me mail... with stickers... they will brighten my day. if jail time doesn't happen, which it probably won't because i plan on sending for tags just as soon as i pose for a DL photo which will be straight away after the birth certificate is received... but if that doesn't happen... and i get the sticker for my plates... you could still consider mail... and you could still consider sending other stickers... i'll share. the scratch and sniff, the fuzzy ones, the delightfully sparkly. i'm just saying. oh, and yes. the awesome velcro lady sense pouch is gone too. probably with some of the formerly listed. send stickers! i'm doing the supposed necessary. (i really did enjoy 'call of the wild' perhaps, it is time for my identification to be no longer?) done. out. getting the tags and a proper mug shot. -j

snake, summer dresses, Homer Geezer

went running on this fabulous trail within some open spaces in wheat ridge. it as along the river. i raced the currents for a bit. and than i allowed them to pass me up. i am not super apathetic. competion just doesn't stick for a long time with me. years of starting track but quiting just to run for long hours with the forgien exchange students from germany and france, oh flashbacks. so, i allowed the river to win. than i went through many moments where i wished that i was culturally acceptable for women to not wear shirts-- i instead left may upper body wear clinging to my flesh, sweat soaked... enough said. i almost stepped on a snake. i wish i had something to capture it with... and i was thankful it was not a coilied python. but i disturbed it's basking in the july desert sun, warmed by the river water. oh, little snake. i hope that the eight year boys find you. that would be fun for them. i hope it might be not too nerveracking for you.
______________________________________________________

every lady, women, and small little girl best be wearing summer dresses. yes. i am serious. it is no harm to your health. paint your toenails, and put on a hot summer dress already. we will do brunch or tea and cupcakes or whisky shots soon. i promise. i'm thinking dazzle for the brunch bit. game? dress... happy july you.
_____________________________________________________

Homer Geezer. 90+ gentleman. Satire-ish. Ridiculous. Religious calling out. ((a character Mike used to play on YES FM radio. www.myspace.com/michealsares oh my.
____________________________________________________
it is hot in dnver. the last couple of days have been way humid. humidity, among other hings, remind my of home and wisconsin and fabulous people there. honestly, i miss home. they are dear folks. home is here. home is denver, for now. i am just getting to the relazation of that. and dealing with the emotional and pyscologial implications. ...i have a bed now. i want to buy a turtle. in fact maybe emerald is waiting at the pet store now? hmmm. these and stable things that are good but they drive me crazy. i would be nie to be in dublin or appleton tomorrow. but, here i must be. right now if it is just to hop over snakes and wear summer dress and to laugh about Homer's take on scary christianity; i will be here. i wonder if this will pass-- i wonder wheni can travel again, besdie the jaunt to the cottage in september... i wonder if i will mov. i don't want to have a house with a fence and 3 kids and mt. vehicle that never leave the city. i don't want to get so comfortable with starbucks that i never introduce myself to that new coffee offering shop. i want to see god moreso. and i don't want myeyes to get dull with the longing for career and money and family and even adventure. fuck. once agian. i am on a roll.
______
enough. i think i am going to see if emerald the turtle is waiting at the pet shop. that aquarium over there wants him to take up residency. drat. must make sure he can at least climb the foothill with me. maybe some 14ers. ill leave him home for other ventures.
________
goodbye. wear sundress ladies. enjoy being shirtlss men. hello, hello july.

facebook entries

(identity, etc.)
recently some stuff has happen.
recently i've maybe began to learn some things, due to this stuff that has happened.

*no more DL: lost/ stolen


*no more card: lost/ stolen


*broken phone


so. i'll plan on getting it all taken care of next week. it is not a big deal BUT it did make me think about:
identity, and money, and people...
and i don't think that was a coincidence.

oh. and i think i am sometimes a bit of a narcissistic beast. that's gross.

new days, new hours, new moments, new mercies come.

hello summer solsticeShare
Saturday, June 21, 2008 at 1:27am | Edit Note | Delete
after the cook grabbed my hand to model his way
after driving on fumes
after hearing that they stopped searching for the body
after listening to her heart question
after another's death was declared
after a housemate talk on the magic bed
after no conclusions were actually determined
after dreams so real while sleeping
after a sporadic water flow in the shower and lemongrass shampoo
after a big tea shipment for another was dropped off
after the arrival of a traveler
after true communication occurred
after participants came
after fashion shows continued
after bags were resealed
after making potatoes, french doughnuts & spinach salads with the deadicated
after more stopped by
after i tried on the pants
after children's chapter books were discussed
after nancy drew was rented
after saturday's plans were finalized
after touching foreheads with my lips X!
after leaving the house

i drove away from the day and...
i thought about small talk and death and community and love and the fit of pants and extreme poverty i haven't expeirenced.
i thought about the movie and the dancing and the idea of a man...
i thought about what i was missing.
i thought about being content.
i thought about giving in to the wind of the spirit, whatever the hell that ACTUALLY means.
i thought about man's confindence verses man's confidence in god, and i felt very tiny.
i thought about the oppurtunities with these crazy, lovely kids- really.
i thought about this day... and i kissed spring farewell.

now i have a wicked headache, and i am laughing.
welcome to summer.
rough soles, painted toes, popsicles. game?




Add a comment | 2 commentsi have been hearing about this man for several years.Share
Friday, June 20, 2008 at 6:15am | Edit Note | Delete
consider a minute to stop. and pray. still, and again. god is good, and big, and mighty. *i was thinking the acheing was due to the pain bethany felt (a close, close friend from WI), and it is. but once again, we, christian people are family. suddenly, i hurt for him and his connections i have never met. this family business we are in may include hurting together... perhaps? xxx.-j

Please read this note about my dear & close friend Jeremy. I met him when I was in Australia and he was one of my best friends at the base. It aches my heart to think of the worst in this situation. He's one of the coolest guys I know, with a gigantic heart, and the best sense of humor around. If you could take a moment to pray for his family & friends, I would more than greatly appreciate it. Much love to all of you.. Bethany.

Dear friends & family,

As you may or may not be aware on Monday 16th June 2008 we as YWAM Australia experienced a terrible tragedy. Two of our YWAM Newcastle staff were sightseeing along the coastline on their day off. As they walked along the rocks at about one o’clock in the afternoon a freak wave washed them off the rocks and into the heavy seas that had been pounding the coast for several days.

Witnesses to the incident managed to throw a floatation device to Jesse Lee who managed to stay afloat for about an hour in the rough seas until he was winched to safety by a rescue helicopter as the water was too dangerous to enter by any other means.

The other young staff member Jeremy Earnshaw was not seen after being washed into the water and has not been sighted since. It’s now been almost 3 days since the incident occurred and despite extensive search and rescue efforts by several different local authorities, Jeremy still remains missing. We are still believing for a miracle. Please continue to join us in praying that he would be found.

We have been in constant contact with Jeremy’s family since they were notified soon after the incident on Monday. They are a wonderful faith filled family who love God and have been incredibly gracious throughout all our conversations.

Jesse Lee, after being rescued, was admitted to hospital and treated for hypothermia before being released later in the evening. Jesse is doing well with no lasting injuries and is grateful to be in the loving embrace of his YWAM family here.

The search for Jeremy continues with police boats, jet ski’s and divers being deployed as soon as the ocean conditions improve enough for it to be safe for them to enter the water.

We here in Newcastle have been so blessed to know God’s amazing love for us as he ministers to us both spiritually and physically during this time. Thank you so much for your warm embrace and support. Your prayers have been and are greatly appreciated.

Dave Stephenson, Base Director of YWAM newcastle.

Add a commentlisteningShare
Sunday, June 8, 2008 at 3:20pm | Edit Note | Delete
to the evidence of the wind
seeing the lush green dance haphazardly

to the lawnmower
smelling the pain of the grass

to that one bird calling to that one other bird
deeming a reply will approriatly be offered

to the typing upon the keyboard
feeling the hard plastic change levels

to the vehicle's engine and his tires meeting the pavement
hoping the travelers arrive at the proposed destination

to the phone's noisey vibration against the blue painted wood
waiting to respond to the caller

to the jet's bellow streaking across the sky
wishing of another location

to the infant's cry next door
remembering the warmth of an embrace

to the door slamming, below and over somewhere
offering a welcoming greeting at some point

to my breathing
knowing it is consistent these hours

to the voice i didn't conjure up
sensing that nowadays are being cared for too

Add a comment | 1 comment4 MINUTES: it's about a building-- addressed to all body parts...Share
Friday, June 6, 2008 at 1:34am | Edit Note | Delete
Hello to the toes and elbows, greetings to the fingernails and shins…

I conversed with a one of those ‘10+ years friends’ this evening. Our relationship has solidified into one that begs the depths of vulnerability and accountability when our voices join together. Nearly 1/2 of the interaction had us discussing various philosophies while noting Christian apologetics… the mysteries of the Godhead, the steady characteristics by which we are rooted to, the organism known as the Church—(also known as the toes, elbows, fingernails, shins, and etc.), the daily news, the weather, the petty situations… the massive situations. We talked about keeping the big deal, the BIG DEAL. We talked about big deals that were big deals, but weren’t the BIG DEAL. We hoped together that God would continue to focus our wandering selves, so we might know.

On that note, I will write.
Scum of the Earth is a church building. Merely a building. Well… It is a group of persons that has been in transitional buildings since it’s founding in 2000. I began attending in December 2005 when I moved to Denver.
Scum of the Earth, the people, has found a building. Yes, merely a building. Yet, this one would not be a transitional hub for maybe a year or two. This, mere building would be a fixed home…
You are right. It is still a building.
Not forever. Made of brick and mortar like some of the others.
You are right. It is still a building.
The Church is not meant to be locked within the walls of four.
You are right. It is still a building.

People, you are right…
Even so, I can not bottle the thrill that has overwhelmed.

A list was made by leadership eight years ago. The details of this building match it.
Financially the cost has been lowered significantly, and now the offer of $625K was accepted.
There are more convincing facts… I could exhaust you. But, perhaps that would be a form of manipulation…
Let’s just say. It is good. It is appropriate.

I am a skeptic, and I am now found with peace alone.


**I too, am for the Church being more than a mere building. But I wonder, if the mere buildings too can offer their brick and mortar to be instrumental to the Church and the Church’s Lord? This is the theological discussion; I will throw myself into silently for now.

Church (toes, elbows, fingernails, shins, etc.),
Please consider prayer.
Please consider financial donations.
Please consider further inquiry.

www.scumoftheearth.net (there is a fabulous letter detailing more so the building, and various opportunities you may be interested in, as well as pictures on this site.)
Checks: Scum of the Earth P.O. Box 101808 Denver, CO 80205
Made to Scum of the Earth, memo line ‘building’
Pastor Mike Sares
Tim Dunbar, Administrative Pastor
Tim’s contact: 720-810-0575 scumtim@mac.com

Oh… yeah… This happened quick. The cash is needed by June 27th.

Blessings to you ALL regardless.

Thanks for your time.
Yes, and how’s ya?
Love from a kneecap,
-j

And when do you want to visit the mountains?




Add a comment | 2 commentstitlesShare
Wednesday, June 4, 2008 at 4:35am | Edit Note | Delete
facebook calls us friends
i don't call you
or maybe i do
or maybe i did
on the telephone
or maybe the seas seperate us
or the states
or the streets
but we know our paths crossed once
your photo is in that one yearbook... or...
photoshopped into my mind forever
our laughter mingled and was comfortably intertwined
while the now muted sceene was still brilliant and fresh
we talked about current days
now we reminisise on the glorious was

many brothers
many sisters
our idenity seems to state
stranger friends, we are family

when time is stripped
when urgency holds a differant definiation
we will sit
we will reminance
we will talk about now
and we will laugh again

and i will attempt to recall that inital photoshopped imagery i have tucked away in my mind of one of the first times we were together.

be loved. be blessed. and be relentless in this seeking truth bit. yes, at all costs. i dare you dear family, as you... have dared me.Add a comment | 4 commentsmagical intervalsShare
Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 1:28am | Edit Note | Delete
close your eyes for ten minutes
then you can read for a bit
or watch M.A.S.H. with us

close your eyes and allow your body to slow
i fought it
wiggling.
giggling.
with my lids plastered shut

close your eyes?
while the theme music caused my limbs to tap?
while the climax of the chapter book's story i was inticed with?

close your eyes and wonder about tomorrow
close your eyes and laugh about the moments spent
close your eyes, close them tight and feel the blanket wrapped about
no more shadow drawings on the ceiling
no more questions of the hours past

close your eyes and know the beckoning forth of the dream chambers.
plunging the depths of longings.
a place for the brave alone.
thrill and adventure.
peace and quiet.
great war and great love.
beyond imagination... most always.

so close your eyes.
be quiet.

if you are still awake, you may read... you may hear more then the theme music... you may get involved with an awake story again.

ten minutes. i will look at the clock.

*i was in elementary school. mom's way. dad's way. passed it on to a 16 year old tonight. she laughed. i laughed. magical intervals. sheesh. oh, but she is sleeping and has been for a bit. i was able to catch some M.A.S.H. episodes and eat mint bon bon ice cream with my parents every once in a while...

Add a comment | 1 commentscreaming birdsShare
Wednesday, May 28, 2008 at 5:47am | Edit Note | Delete
it is morning time. i was having a rather serene time as i wrapped up my work duties and sat here with tea and a magazine to conclude my hours at the center. it was serene until i heard the perched beasts... anything but timid, i began to see the colorful sky traces in a different way all together.

unashamed.
not afraid.
loud.
grating.
harmonious.
screaching.
damn musical winged creatures.

beckoning the slumbering still to wake.
to dance.
to move.
to sing.
to holler.
to get out of bed and take a shower maybe.
to do ANYTHING but ignore their existence.

at dawn's break, the birds scream.

it is beautful, and annoying, and sort of stalkerish how relentless they are, wouldn't you say?

tomorrow morning:
i may throw things at them.
or
i may join them.


morning all.
Add a commentmisplaced birth certificateShare
Saturday, April 26, 2008 at 1:55am | Edit Note | Delete
i drink profanity soup in my sleep. i read humanities' potential and i cringe. i bark commands while i stand ashamed. i sit behind a veil of illusioned ignorance. i am a transformed transformer and most of the time i hate it, but i wear a smile and offer the 'placebo' to those pained. i am ripped open. i listen for more rumors of the character that breaks knees. i hear insanity beackon. fuck. i yearn for my flesh to hit the gravel. i yearn for riddance of my personal prescribed pleasures. i laugh... i wonder why exsitance declares the realities of these todays now. i see the flesh coated dancing digits, i feel the lax posture- hope is an uninvited steamroller that plauges the imagination with possibities. i yawn. i get up. Add a comment | 2 commentslearningShare
Friday, April 11, 2008 at 2:10am | Edit Note | Delete
my cough is dispersing. i woke up half the girls at the treatment center house last night. "jas, you're sick. why are you here?" i gently argued that i was getting better, while interrupting my own statements with hacking.

i am getting better.
better; healthwise
or
better at convincing myself of something that is not actual.

sometimes, i guess, i think i'm god.
or something.

i suppose this is my current reasoning for
...not admitting that i too, can get sick
...justifying my body's lack of sleeping hours
...thinking that "i" was capable of saving her

shift change:
assult. arrest. jail.

hours later, coughing totally subsided: i find myself thinking about today.
*i received a note from Dad, who just returned to Oshkosh from D.C.
*coughing.
*i spoke on the phone with Mom as she told of visiting the beloved ocean off the coast of Maine, and the crazy upcoming journey to wal-mart in which she would be assisting grammie and grandpa. i told of the snow falling on my face as i walked to meet up with caroline.
*caroline and i laughed about the wide array of chocolates the fancy isle in k-mart had to offer, and how we didn't need it- but how the cravings yearned for approval.
*some coughing, some hacking.
*the pillow. and the blankets. the dreams. the hot water in the shower. the dry towel.
*the amazing food in the cupboards.
*the tales that awaited thoughout the house. traci's encounter of further direction. lauren's massive heart for people. meghan's daily adventures and then some.
*sarah and i cuddled up to chat about nowadays and watch a girly movie. i burnt the popcorn, we settled on tea.
*hack. hack. cough. cough. sputter. hack.
*anna revealed her lovely self and i blew kisses and ran out to head to work. (i don't think i did blow kisses, but now that i am writing this ditty, i wish i did.)
*i received shift change and the raw story of a coworker and friend.

this messy, hard, wrecked, ruined, beautiful, good gift of life...

hmm. so, in conclusion, i am not god. i get sick. i need sleep. i don't save people.


good lesson.
out.
-j

build a bed, maybe THIS for now

"Its as strong as a regular bed, environmentally-friendly and great for people who move frequently. And you instantly have 10 boxes worth of storage space under your bed!"- some guy

ok, i'll eat.

i have come to realize that i need to set up a eating schedule for these overnights. maybe we will try this: A LOT of healthful snacks. yogurt, nuts, dried fruit, cheese curds, crackers, vegtables, jerky... i typically eat this stuff already, but maybe i need to atempt bagging up some and bringing it to work. usually, i bring a meal but one, two, or three rolls around on the clock and i am not hungry at all, then i get more sleepy. i think i will try this ditty very soon. ask me, how goes it.

angry easter

happy easter. i said it. i plastered on a smile, and uttered the words several times throughout the day. initaiating the traditional saying for most of the encounters...

while participating in the weekend communication with my parents, a highlighted bit of the conversation centered about the 'holiday' and forced realizations, awakening anew. between the easter falling on varying sunday dates each year, and the fertility gods being summoned, i felt myself unable to offer lulls in the conversation. i am a fan of chocolate bunnies and cadbury eggs just as much as that child with ---- finish later.

they are sleeping now

kombucha. even the fermented mushroom tea drink traci gave me isn't seeming to energize at present. it is good though, try some.oh people. i love them. relationships demand involvment and that at times, can be exhausting, and oh so enlightening and energizing at others. interesting indeed.people interaction today:work team: 3 hr mtg 1 male/ 15 females.matter of fact phone calls to dear friends due to the buisness state mindset i was in.receiving voicemails from individuals i probably should have called back straight away.reconnecting with wisconsin friends via reply notes and phone calls.reconnecting with minnesota kids the same way.you guessed it, the same with the denver folks.hearing a family member's heart ache and beat for a moment before it was time again to hope for connection another day.building new bonds with semi new treasured ones.missed calls.text messages to offer an in on the loop.allowing vulnrability to meet on the couch alongside of the roommates on several occasions.then i had a loaded shift change offered as pivitol information.and the moon was bright and the people went to bed.and i think about them now. all of the exchanges of hope and stillness, the disclosure of life, simply communicating due to some sort of trust level. i wonder what interactions may occur tomorrow.i basically heard somewhere that people are pretty darn important... so, perhaps, it is rather important to be exhausted from the involvment at times-- be exhausted and be energized both-- but regardless, do be involved.so maybe it is that i am attempting this involvment within community (of mankind) moreso, or if it has to do with my first night back on- and yet again, it was seemingly approriate to wave fare thee to the sun for several days... i eat another chocolate kiss sent from wisconsin and i will drink another bit of kombucha while deciphering the actualities.

long awaited closure

eight months ago. i had this dear friend. things got mucky. he wanted something. i did not. i wanted something. he did not. we parted without discussion. no more lengthy hugs. no more deep gazes. no more anything. severed ties. it was appropriate. but it hurt. i wondered about his life. i asked the mutual crowd and i was silenced. days went by. i learned to pretend i was letting go. i learned to control my expression when his name was brought up- for the most part. i miss him. a lot. tears came. i would let go. only to take back. my tears dried. i still would wonder, but the acheing was not alongside. three days ago. i saw him. i stood next to him, hands shoved in my jacket pockets. my body tense but still. my mind caught in a "what is going on" mode. he asked how i was. my left jacket pocket ripped. "good. you?" "good. still at the same place?" "still there. are you still living and working at the same locations?" "yeah. are you doing ok?" "i am. are you doing alright?" "yeah. it's good to see you jas." "thanks. this is weird. i am going to go now." "ok." "ok. bye." "bye." i left with my ripped pocket, shocked state of surrealism. i left and i knew he was ok. and i was ok. and it was such a goodbye. i love him, regardless. but the closure was timely. i wonder whats next.

vainity, plastic bags, and humility

usuually i don't care what-so-ever about appearences. for a long time this statement included my own appearance. i went through a season soon following the college expeirence where i relized the drastic measures i went to "seemingly" not care were a bit out of line, if indeed i was selfless.
new awakening. i am selfish. surprise.
i am of the thrift shop shopping- rather not be seen in a mall- hope to not seem too materialistic breed. i have these pants that make my ass look hot. i mean it is hot. and i have this shirt that fits oh so good.
so, i was wearing the 'outfit'.
home depot.
orange paint.
it's was a movie sceence.
i should have been on a comercial.
i said "no" to the bag that was offered. because i am also of the breed that is saving the world one bag at a time. (good word janny.)
and i reach for the keys and the paint fell.
orange.
splatter.
not just a little.
knees down.
art project.
fabulous comercial.
...
i scrubbed the pants. some of the blue denim lightened due to my determination.
they are pants.
they lady gave me a stack of plastic bags.
so much for saving the world that way.

i wonder if the head pain is an approaching flu.

the girls are asleep. i have a raging headache. im in the office with the chocolate pudding bowl, my passport, and the fair trade email list. i still have a headache. i find myself in a position of both excitment and dread. i am weighing heavily the desicions that i am plunging myself into and though perhaps, i say i am thrilled, and i get wild streaks of adventure in my eyes- i would rather not do the hard work what so ever, i would rather not be deadicated or commited or disciplined. i want to twirll in skirts again and feel just that free when involving myself with the hour of everydays. whatever. so i will twirl and be free and work hard to be exhausted at the close of the day, whatever hour that may be.

p.s. i couldn't get a comment on your page lucas. im not one to fret out. im only one to be a massive skeptic until an day comes when i can not longer deny. that day has already been. continue on fellow warrior. i mean it. sparkle, shine.

____
still determining the gladiator. any opinions i should possibilty consider?
take care. all.

picking the gladiator

might it be in the hair length? or the color of spandex that clings so tightly? gladiator nights beginning this next monday. 7:00 @ the pour house. thats the word on the street. and this word is true. ...no ive just got to choose my pick.