01: employed at a college; lived in Arvada, Colorado; attended grad school at University of Colorado-Denver
02: surprise Napa trip for Valentine's; Ryan took me to try on rings ((!!!!!!))
03: resigned at college; proposed to at Denver International Airport by Ryan, nodded "absolutely"; moved to San Francisco Bay Area, California
04: visited Montana; visited Wisconsin; said "yes" to the dress
05: visited the Pacific Ocean; spent a lot of time at the pool; lived with Claire
06: attended the mountain play on top of Mt. Tam; Ryan attended Chaplain School in South Carolina
07: Ryan completed Chaplain School; I completed grad school; new niece, Tallulah Grey
08: road trip to close storage units in Montana and Colorado; bridal shower in Colorado
09: move into first home together
10: married
11: Thanksgiving at Jeff and Jess' in San Francisco
12: extended Wisconsin Christmas; celebrated both our birthdays
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Sunday, August 21, 2011
can't sleep
there is a lot on my mind.
so much, that it is hard to organize.
i just force me heavy lids to drop regardless of my racing thought process.
so much, that it is hard to organize.
i just force me heavy lids to drop regardless of my racing thought process.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
streets of gold?
i want to go home... oh, contentness and endurance- visit me
LIFE, you are beautiful. thank you for your hugs and kisses this day. ill stay with you, until i am asked otherwise.
LIFE, you are beautiful. thank you for your hugs and kisses this day. ill stay with you, until i am asked otherwise.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
silence
SILENCE
by Tu-Uyen Nguyen
When I was a little girl,
I never said,
I want to grow up and be
Silent...
What?! Speak up!
I can't hear a word
Of what you're saying
Speak up!
For some,
Speaking comes so easily
Just open their mouths
And words come streaming out
For me,
Voice is like a lonely wanderer
Who rarely ever comes by
You see, to come, my wanderer
Must come through many miles
Miles of silent longing
Miles of silent struggling
Miles of silent tears
Miles of silent years...
So you tell me to speak up
Speak up! You say
You, not knowing the miles
I must trod everyday
How do I speak up?
When I don't even know how to speak down
Speak left or speak right
Speak even a sound
I've known only silent travels
All kinds of silent fears
I am so very tired
Of silence all these years
I don't mean the silence
Of dew drops, fragile
In the glistening dawn
Nor of a slowly falling leaf
Cradled as a boat
By gentle waves of wind
For these things speak of what they are
In their graceful natural beauty
No, I mean the silence
Of a child being told
Not to say how she feels
Why do you always talk so much?
Be quiet! Silence!
The silence of asking for a glass
And not getting one
Because the waitress didn't hear you
And telling yourself it's O.K.
Drinking your soda from the can
The silence of being invisible
In the eyes of those
Who only want to see
Their ready-made image of the Other
The silence of having others name you
Internalizing the wrong pronunciation
Of what you want your name
To be.
Nujen? Ne gyen?
The silence of feeling trapped
In darkness
Between two worlds
Vietnamese hyphen American
American hyphen Vietnamese
Opposite ends of the alphabet
Outer edges of two cultures
The silence of emptiness
A hollow more vast than nothing
A void within history
Of the voices of women unheard
The silence of Lotus Blossoms
And Dragon Ladies
Of virgins and whores
Of battered women
I mean the silence
Of my own voice
Of the stories that are locked
In unspoken words
Of the pains and triumphs of women warriors
My mother, my grandmother, my greatýgrandmother and her mothers
Yes, I mean the silence of
Not Existing
I've known only silent travels
All kinds of silent fears
My mind angry, disgusted
Of silence all these years
So you tell me to speak up
Speak up! You say
You think I haven't tried?
Day after aching day?
Breaking my silence,
Can't you see?
Not like you break an egg
It's not that easy
Takes more than dew drops
And falling leaves
Takes lots of heartache
With no reprieve
Takes many dreams
And remembering too
Takes my whole being
Takes also you
So open your ears
And listen, take heed
You can begin to hear my voices emerge
In chorus, with others no longer silent
Saying, we will be heard, we will be heard!
Tu-Uyen Nguyen is a doctoral student in the Department of Community Health Sciences at the University of California, Los Angeles. Taken from "Teaching Tolerance Web site, "http://www.tolerance.org/teach/magazine/features.jsp?p=0&is=34&ar=482#
by Tu-Uyen Nguyen
When I was a little girl,
I never said,
I want to grow up and be
Silent...
What?! Speak up!
I can't hear a word
Of what you're saying
Speak up!
For some,
Speaking comes so easily
Just open their mouths
And words come streaming out
For me,
Voice is like a lonely wanderer
Who rarely ever comes by
You see, to come, my wanderer
Must come through many miles
Miles of silent longing
Miles of silent struggling
Miles of silent tears
Miles of silent years...
So you tell me to speak up
Speak up! You say
You, not knowing the miles
I must trod everyday
How do I speak up?
When I don't even know how to speak down
Speak left or speak right
Speak even a sound
I've known only silent travels
All kinds of silent fears
I am so very tired
Of silence all these years
I don't mean the silence
Of dew drops, fragile
In the glistening dawn
Nor of a slowly falling leaf
Cradled as a boat
By gentle waves of wind
For these things speak of what they are
In their graceful natural beauty
No, I mean the silence
Of a child being told
Not to say how she feels
Why do you always talk so much?
Be quiet! Silence!
The silence of asking for a glass
And not getting one
Because the waitress didn't hear you
And telling yourself it's O.K.
Drinking your soda from the can
The silence of being invisible
In the eyes of those
Who only want to see
Their ready-made image of the Other
The silence of having others name you
Internalizing the wrong pronunciation
Of what you want your name
To be.
Nujen? Ne gyen?
The silence of feeling trapped
In darkness
Between two worlds
Vietnamese hyphen American
American hyphen Vietnamese
Opposite ends of the alphabet
Outer edges of two cultures
The silence of emptiness
A hollow more vast than nothing
A void within history
Of the voices of women unheard
The silence of Lotus Blossoms
And Dragon Ladies
Of virgins and whores
Of battered women
I mean the silence
Of my own voice
Of the stories that are locked
In unspoken words
Of the pains and triumphs of women warriors
My mother, my grandmother, my greatýgrandmother and her mothers
Yes, I mean the silence of
Not Existing
I've known only silent travels
All kinds of silent fears
My mind angry, disgusted
Of silence all these years
So you tell me to speak up
Speak up! You say
You think I haven't tried?
Day after aching day?
Breaking my silence,
Can't you see?
Not like you break an egg
It's not that easy
Takes more than dew drops
And falling leaves
Takes lots of heartache
With no reprieve
Takes many dreams
And remembering too
Takes my whole being
Takes also you
So open your ears
And listen, take heed
You can begin to hear my voices emerge
In chorus, with others no longer silent
Saying, we will be heard, we will be heard!
Tu-Uyen Nguyen is a doctoral student in the Department of Community Health Sciences at the University of California, Los Angeles. Taken from "Teaching Tolerance Web site, "http://www.tolerance.org/teach/magazine/features.jsp?p=0&is=34&ar=482#
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
imagine everyone in their underpants
recently, i have thought about vanity and the idea of being vain quite a bit. the words to me have negative connotations. and yet, i would hope the individual that is speaking to me had proper oral hygiene. i like to hug people, but yes, i have gotten a little bit of a turned-up nose in my heart, when i smell the person even prior to embracing them; not in a oh-my-goodness-i-love-the-colonge/perfume-way either. have you?
thing is, on the flip side: ...i had some good medical spa friends of mine do some laser resurfacing on my face for acne scars. ...and, um, i sleep with my mouth part way open so the bottom half of both of my front two teeth are extra white, where the top half is 'normal' white; so my dentist recommends teeth whitening if i want to see a change. ...i care about my weight and secretly wonder if individuals that are larger just don't; i seem to forget that i have extremely high metabolism.
the scary thing is, the change to caring about the way people view me, and caring about the way i am accepted seemed to come so gradually that i barely noticed it. or, maybe did not notice it at all.
i remember the day in college that my roommate had me try on a pair of her jeans. never had i wore jeans that tight before. (apparently, they weren't even that tight...) immediately, i began getting comments from the girls that were present to the impromptu 'fashion show.' 'Look at your hot butt!' 'I never knew you had such a cute body!' suddenly, i was affirmed in areas i didn't know i needed affirming in. and, so seemed to begin the journey. i was the country girl who ran barefoot and had creativity and resourcefulness valued in her family over trends and keeping up with the jones. i had a lot to learn. apparently, 'cool' could get you pretty sweet status ranking.
so, i submitted to some things over the years. 'jas, your arms are super hairy and may i pluck your eyebrows?' ha. sure. if anyone wanted to do their beauty treatments on me, so be it; i didn't mind it being 'all about me,' even if you are turning me into your project and the best before-and-after shots you have had yet! and little, by little, i began to value and esteem myself according to the 'after procedure' comments of well-meaning, and well-loving people, rather than god's voice solely. p.s. his voice hasn't changed about my beauty (or your beauty for that matter). he doesn't really look at that stuff. ...though, i do wonder, if i would have been listening... if his voice of warning would have spoken 'just remember that it all fades and it really doesn't matter, but how is your heart, are you well? i love seeming you be delighted, and joy that seeps... but find where that joy is coming from. is it rushing from everlasting areas deep within your character--or not? i love you daughter, friend, child, follower, bride- i created you well. just be reminded, when you forget. i am with you.'
i absolutely understand that vanity is a cultural thing. and, 'beauty' is a women's issue a little more than men, per lots of sources--but it is still a universal dealing. and... beauty is in the eye of the beholder... yadda, yadda, yadda. what i fear, it that i was boiled without knowing it. see, i didn't care about oral hygiene of others as much as i do now, or whether someone smells decent-according-to-me or not. call me naive, i was. call me innocent, i was. and i loved people, period--i truly did. now, i make snap judgements based on hair style, and sunglasses.
oh, god knows. we chat. but this is a big deal, im thinking. remember nakedness in the garden of eden--there is something about seeing past people's outer layers; facades, attire... ha. maybe it really is like what our friend told us in high school prior to the midterm presentation, 'imagine everyone in their underpants, it helps.'
thoughts? comments? hmm...
live well. x.
thing is, on the flip side: ...i had some good medical spa friends of mine do some laser resurfacing on my face for acne scars. ...and, um, i sleep with my mouth part way open so the bottom half of both of my front two teeth are extra white, where the top half is 'normal' white; so my dentist recommends teeth whitening if i want to see a change. ...i care about my weight and secretly wonder if individuals that are larger just don't; i seem to forget that i have extremely high metabolism.
the scary thing is, the change to caring about the way people view me, and caring about the way i am accepted seemed to come so gradually that i barely noticed it. or, maybe did not notice it at all.
i remember the day in college that my roommate had me try on a pair of her jeans. never had i wore jeans that tight before. (apparently, they weren't even that tight...) immediately, i began getting comments from the girls that were present to the impromptu 'fashion show.' 'Look at your hot butt!' 'I never knew you had such a cute body!' suddenly, i was affirmed in areas i didn't know i needed affirming in. and, so seemed to begin the journey. i was the country girl who ran barefoot and had creativity and resourcefulness valued in her family over trends and keeping up with the jones. i had a lot to learn. apparently, 'cool' could get you pretty sweet status ranking.
so, i submitted to some things over the years. 'jas, your arms are super hairy and may i pluck your eyebrows?' ha. sure. if anyone wanted to do their beauty treatments on me, so be it; i didn't mind it being 'all about me,' even if you are turning me into your project and the best before-and-after shots you have had yet! and little, by little, i began to value and esteem myself according to the 'after procedure' comments of well-meaning, and well-loving people, rather than god's voice solely. p.s. his voice hasn't changed about my beauty (or your beauty for that matter). he doesn't really look at that stuff. ...though, i do wonder, if i would have been listening... if his voice of warning would have spoken 'just remember that it all fades and it really doesn't matter, but how is your heart, are you well? i love seeming you be delighted, and joy that seeps... but find where that joy is coming from. is it rushing from everlasting areas deep within your character--or not? i love you daughter, friend, child, follower, bride- i created you well. just be reminded, when you forget. i am with you.'
i absolutely understand that vanity is a cultural thing. and, 'beauty' is a women's issue a little more than men, per lots of sources--but it is still a universal dealing. and... beauty is in the eye of the beholder... yadda, yadda, yadda. what i fear, it that i was boiled without knowing it. see, i didn't care about oral hygiene of others as much as i do now, or whether someone smells decent-according-to-me or not. call me naive, i was. call me innocent, i was. and i loved people, period--i truly did. now, i make snap judgements based on hair style, and sunglasses.
oh, god knows. we chat. but this is a big deal, im thinking. remember nakedness in the garden of eden--there is something about seeing past people's outer layers; facades, attire... ha. maybe it really is like what our friend told us in high school prior to the midterm presentation, 'imagine everyone in their underpants, it helps.'
thoughts? comments? hmm...
live well. x.
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